It Happened One Night
by Joei Cassidy
Summary: Next chapter is up! A man and a woman and something that was not supposed to ever happen but did. They agreed once a year & on the tenth year many intense things happen that only serve to bring them closer and yet threaten to also tear them apart... Please note this story is based on actual episodes of the show. So spoilers will be present! Please r&r. And thank you for reading!
1. Prologue

It Happened One Night

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine. AU fiction.**_

_**Please enjoy!**_

He was pretty sure she had seen his wedding ring. But it didn't seem to matter to her because he was now at her apartment and inside her. Oh God damn, she felt so good. So wet. So tight.

All his years of marriage, he had never cheated on Kathy till tonight. And somehow it felt liberating.

She moaned from under him as he started to thrust in and out of her. "Oh God, Chris. Your cock feels fucking good. So big!" He had not given her his first name. Instead he had shortened his middle name.

What he didn't know was that she had done the same thing. She knew this was a one night thing. And she saw the wedding ring. But she didn't care. Not that night. He was too handsome and she was too horny. So she had brought him home and told him that her name was Grace. Which it was and wasn't. It was her middle name and no one called her that.

Suddenly she flipped them over and she was on top. She grabbed his hands and put them on her breasts. He took the hint and he pulled the hardened nipples with his calloused fingers.

She moaned and she rode him harder. She ground her pussy against his pelvis, and then clenched her vaginal muscles voluntarily making him gasp and shout. "Grace! Do that again! Please!"

A mischievous smile came upon her face and she began to go up and down his hardened shaft. Christ, she was glad she chose him tonight. She had never had a man as big as him. Or as long. He had to be at least 8 inches and THICK.

When she was going down on him earlier, her fingers barely met around his cock. And she almost gagged as she took his cock down her throat. And now he filled up her like no one has before. It was good thing he was married. Because aside from being well endowed and good in bed, they had a fucking great conversation prior to fucking liking rabbits. If he hadn't been married, her heart would be in danger she knew.

She squeezed his cock again with her pussy and Chris moaned in response. He released her breasts and his hands quickly went to her ass, one of them slapping her ass cheek soundly. Grace gave a little yelp but then the slight sting only managed to make her more aroused and wetter.

She started a faster rhythm, grinding her pussy relentlessly against his cock.

But then just as she was feeling her edge come closer, Chris flipped them over again and suddenly he was the one straddling her. A moment later he pulled out and Grace protested. "What the fuck?"

He chuckled and replied, "Relax baby, we're going to finish – both of us. But right now, I want to fuck you doggy style. Is that okay?"

She nodded and gave him a sexy smile. "Sure." And then without needing instructions from him, she went on her fours and wiggled her ass for him.

The next she thing she knew she was being pummeled from behind. She was also so wet that she could hear the wet sounds of him going in and out of her as well as his balls slapping against her. One of his hands grabbed her hair while the other went on one of her breasts, pinching the nipple yet again.

She whimpered loudly. "Fuck! That feels so good! I am so close, baby. Fuck me."

He grunted from behind her and pushed her gently down making her lie down practically on her stomach. The position made it only tighter for him inside her and he could feel his orgasm nearing when his cock twitched.

She was getting close too. He could tell because her pussy which was so wet suddenly clenched around his cock again. But then all at once he pulled out again and quickly turned her over. He opened her legs wide and with one thrust, he rammed his entire length inside her that she gasped.

They were looking at each other now. She gave a little gasp when she saw the unadulterated lust that was surging in him through his stark blue eyes. At the same time, she could tell that he was feeling something beyond lust. But right now, she didn't want to analyze that, she just wanted to drown in those beautiful blue eyes and she just wanted his cock to keep ramming her.

Wow! He thought. She had beautiful eyes. Suddenly, he wished he wasn't married. He had fun with her at the bar. Great conversation and everything. And, God, this fucking great sex too. Better than he ever had with his wife, that's for sure.

She moaned and whimpered loudly once more and he felt her pussy spasm. He gasped. That feeling of her squeezing his cock inside her was absolute heaven.

He grabbed her legs and put them on top of his shoulders. Once again, what was tight was made tighter and suddenly all other thoughts flew from his head. Right now all he could think of was how hot and wet her pussy was and how it felt good inside her even with a condom. He could just imagine how hot and even better she would be bareback.

"Baby…" She whimpered, "I'm so near, fuck me. Fuck me hard."

At her words, he started to thrust harder, faster….her hands that were on his ass began to grip his cheeks harder, her fingernails digging into his skin there. That slight pain only made his movements more frenzied.

"Shit, baby, your pussy's fucking tight."

"And your cock's so big and hard. I love it! Fuck me, I'm so near, Chris."

He took one of her legs down and then getting on his knees, he continued to thrust in and out of her while one hand traveled in between them and found her swollen clit and began to rub it.

She bit her lip as pleasure flooded her entire being. The man was a fucking sex god, damn it. Then suddenly he was crying out loud and she was crying out loud, her pussy started to clamp and pulsate around him as her orgasm crashed squeezing his cock, milking it, driving him to his nirvana. She could feel his cock's every twitch - his cock was spurting his seed now. She could feel him cumming hard and she knew that he must have spilled a lot of semen because his orgasm lasted a long time. Almost as long as hers.

When their orgasms waned, Chris collapsed against her. And then before he could get soft, he pulled out of her. After a few moments, when his breathing normalized, he peeled off the full condom off of him and stood up. He motioned to her and asked, "Where should I dispose of this?"

"Bathroom." She told him, smiling.

"Where is it?"

"That door in front of you."

"Okay. Do you mind if I wash up as well?"

"No problem. Towels are on the cabinet inside, just grab one."

"Okay thanks."

She watched him go to the bathroom and close the door. As he was inside, she also got dressed and grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge. When she came back, he was done and was already wearing his jeans.

She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight and she had an early day tomorrow. As great of a fuck he was, she needed him to get out now.

"So I hope you don't mind if I don't ask you to stay." Her brown eyes met his blue ones.

He smiled and replied, "No it's okay. I gotta get home."

"I noticed." She returned pointedly, giving his wedding ring a knowing stare.

He saw where she was looking and his face suddenly went red. "Uh, I.."

She laughed. "Don't worry about it. It was one night. It was great but let's not pretend this is something it's not."

He felt a little disconcerted at her words, but again he realized that she was just saying the truth. And besides even if she intrigued him and they had a fantastic time earlier even without the fucking, she was right, he was married.

"I've never done this before." He told her truthfully.

She gave him a smile that could only be described as cynical and replied, "If you say so, Chris."

"I'm serious, Grace. I've never done this before." His tone was suddenly serious, like he really wanted to make her believe him.

She searched his face and found nothing there but sincerity. Maybe she was tired. Maybe because he fucked her so well she wanted…needed to believe him but she did believe him. So she nodded and said, "Okay, Chris. I believe you. But let's not make this complicated. I had fun. You had fun. That's it."

"Yeah, that's it…" For some reason even though she was only speaking the truth, he felt let down.

"Well, hate to do this to you, but I have an early day tomorrow. It's my first day in my new job so I can't be late. I gotta get some sleep. Thanks for the great sex."

He was dressed by now and he laughed. "Same here, Grace. Thanks."

"Thanks Chris, bye." She returned, standing up and walking him to the door.

There they shared one last kiss and then he turned around and left. As she watched him leave, she felt a twinge of regret. Why were the good ones taken? She sighed and finally closed the door.

He waited for the elevator to come and as the doors opened, he took one last look at apartment 4D and felt a pang of sadness. Part of him wished this wasn't just a one night stand. But it was and he had to accept that. He knew that he would never see her again. As the elevator doors closed, all he could do was sigh in regret and sadness.

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"You what?" Munch exclaimed loudly. It was morning and another day was beginning in the 16th precinct.

Elliot had just told Munch that he had cheated on Kathy and slept with a hot chick the night before.

Elliot shrugged and ran his hand through his short cropped hair. "I've never cheated before this John. But man, she was just driving me crazy yesterday and so I went to this bar and the next thing I know I was in this girl's Upper West Side apartment and we were fucking each other's brains out."

Munch began to grin and replied, "Well St. Elliot isn't so saintly after all. I'm glad to hear that you're not as moral as you so moral as you seem to be. So how was the sex?"

Elliot looked at the older detective and replied, "Oh my God it was fucking incredible John. Kathy…Kathy is so freakin' inhibited, this one wasn't. Man, if I were the type to have an affair…"

"But you're not." John interjected.

"No, I'm not. Anyway…I'm never going to see her again. I mean I didn't even give her my real name and plus she saw my wedding ring."

"Well then that's good, she won't be able to stalk you…"

"I highly doubt that she's the stalking kind…."

"Stabler!" Captain Cragen called him.

"Yeah, Cap."

"Come here and meet your new partner, will you?"

"Oh here we go." Elliot rolled his eyes, looking a Munch. "How long do you think this one is going to last?"

Munch snickered. "Well maybe if she's gorgeous, then hopefully a while."

"Fat chance. And besides how did you know it would be a she?"

"Stabler, now!" Cragen called out to him again, looking annoyed at the delay.

Elliot glance at Munch and Munch answered, "Because he told me. Get your butt over there, before he has to call you a third time."

Elliot rolled his eyes again and then muttered, "Here goes nothing."

He stood up and entered the Captain's office. "You wanted to see me, Cap?" Elliot said, closing the door behind him.

A woman was sitting on the chair in front of his desk, but Elliot barely glanced at her.

"Yeah, Elliot, I'd like you to meet your new partner," he motioned to the woman on the chair who now stood up and faced him, "Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler.

Suddenly the world stopped. Not just for Elliot but for Olivia too. They could not believe their eyes, and it was all they could do from gasping and asking a million questions.

In front of Elliot was Grace – the woman he slept with last night. Only she wasn't Grace, she was Olivia Benson. His new partner. His new partner the woman he had slept with last night.

What was he going to do now? What were they going to do now? And suddenly what had been a one night stand no longer was just that. Suddenly it was complicated.

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_**So I figure this is going to be a two to five chapters. What do you guys think so far? I don't want this as an affair fic. But we shall see where it goes. **_

_**In the meantime, please review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	2. The First Year

**The First Year**

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**A couple of things that need to be said before you read this. First, the previous chapter is actually a prologue. Second, from this point on, everything is told from Olivia's point of view, unless otherwise specified. This is Olivia telling the story of her and Elliot, 13 years later. To whom she is revealing all of this to will be revealed at a later part. But for now, just know that this is Olivia finally telling her story. Her story with Elliot. **_

_**I've written this in first person and this is my first attempt in a first person fiction. Hopefully I've succeeded. Please enjoy and please do review!**_

And that was how we were introduced. Boy, talk about awkward. Of all the men I could have picked that night, I had to pick the guy that would be my partner in my new job. But on the other hand, it told me that I'd never be bored with him.

We also knew it could never happen again. Not if we valued our jobs. And we did. We had both volunteered for SVU and we never would want to jeopardize our positions.

After that introduction, he and I had gone to our first lunch ever as partners and once again, it was awkward. What do you say to a man you thought you'd never see again only to find out that you'd probably be spending most of your waking hours with him from now on?

I still remember the first attempts at conversation. At first we didn't speak but we just eyed each other. We were like two caged animals circling each other warily.

During that lunch, after my initial shock had worn off, I was able to see him fully for the first time. Chris – no Elliot. His name was Elliot and he was a handsome man. He exuded raw masculinity and sexuality even dressed in a staid suit and tie. His eyes in the morning light were even more remarkable from what I remembered last night. Though they weren't smoldering with desire anymore, the intense blue of his eyes took my breath away.

I knew underneath those clothes, his body was equally impressive. Especially his…well I didn't really want to think about _that_ then. We were now partners and as much as I enjoyed fucking him, that couldn't happen again. I remember how my stomach fluttered with butterflies especially those first few days at sudden moments when I would have flashbacks of our night together. But then I would have to rein myself in.

When we finally got to actually saying something that first lunch, we said almost the same thing.

"Why did you tell me your name was Grace?" Elliot asked me, looking a bit hurt.

I chuckled, the ice broke a bit then and I returned the question to him. "Why did you tell me your name was Chris?"

At that Elliot actually started to laugh and the next thing we knew we were both laughing, almost hysterically. Later on I would find out that the reason for his hysterical laughter was nervousness. And when I heard that, I had to laugh again. Elliot was nervous? That's definitely hysterical.

After our laughter had died down, Elliot turned to me, his blue eyes gazing straight at me and made a confession. "I'm sorry I lied about my name. I mean I didn't lie. My middle name is Christopher but no one calls me that and I figured, it was one night. Just like you said, so it didn't matter. So there…your turn."

"Wow, it's kind of scary how a man I just met last night could think so similar to me."

"What do you mean?"

I chuckled again as I replied, "My middle name is Grace. I figured I didn't want to lie but at the same time, I just met you and you were clearly married and I didn't want complications."

After he heard what I said, the smile on his face faded and it was replaced by a serious expression. I wondered if he had the guts to ask the obvious next question and to my surprise he did. "Neither do I Olivia. I know today is different from last night but…I need to know if you can handle this being not complicated."

There was a part of me that wanted to get mad. It was irrational because he wasn't anything to me. I just met him officially but a part of me got insulted in a way. It was almost like he was implying that I would not be able to stay away from him. That I would want to continue from last night.

Good thing I realized where my thoughts were going and I put on the brakes. My background hasn't really made me trusting of men and here I was already judging someone I just met. I knew that what he did last night with me was wrong. But to solely judge him based on that would be also wrong. So I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and just smiled at him. "Elliot, last night was last night. And today, we're no longer Chris and Grace, we're Elliot and Olivia, SVU partners. No, there's not gonna be a problem, El."

The smile came back on his face and he asked me, "Did you just give me a nickname?"

"Huh? What?"

"You just called me El."

"I did?"

Still smiling broadly he had nodded and replied, "Yeah, you did."

"Sorry?"

"Nothing to be sorry about Liv. I like it."

"Liv?"

"You know, Liv - short for Olivia."

"You giving me a nickname too, Stabler?"

"I think I like El better. And yeah, I am." His eyes were twinkling now. And I knew then that the discomfort from a few moments before was now gone.

"Liv…Hmmm…" I remember thinking it over saying the name over and over, testing it out. Then finally after I was sure that he had been tortured enough I gave my verdict. "Liv. I like it, El."

"Good."

And thus that was the start of Liv and El, Benson and Stabler, the dynamic duo of SVU. And for nearly the entire next year, we kept our promise. We grew closer and our friendship blossomed. I became his confidant and he became mine. He knew my secrets and I knew his. I even met his wife, Kathy and their four kids, months after we became partners and by then, our one night was practically a non-issue.

We even survived my sleeping with someone else from SVU, Brian Cassidy. Again, it was supposed to be a one night stand but Brian liked me. El convinced me to kill him with kindness. And eventually Brian who couldn't take the kind of victims we get in our job, left SVU.

Thinking back, I often wondered why Elliot wasn't more uncomfortable with that situation. But then again, Stabler can be very cocky. And also I think it's because he knew Brian would never be able to get under my skin. Not in the way he does. Yes, I think even then we knew we were under each other's skin. But we didn't say anything. We just passed it off as deep friendship. And we were able to fool everyone and ourselves that it was all that it was.

There were other unimportant guys after that…guys that I would only mention in passing. Or not at all. And whether he knew about it or not, it didn't seem to matter – after all it shouldn't matter.

A shrink would have probably said that we became co-dependent but whatever. A lot of people began to notice us. They told us we even walked in sync with each other. That we had a way of communicating that they could not understand. But again, we passed it off as the results of spending so much time with each other. I think looking back, we never allowed ourselves to really look for any other meaning to our relationship. I don't think we were ready then. And so, we were able to keep that up façade, we were able to believe that lie for a while until a case nearly a year into our partnership made us need each other again. Until a case so messed up made us turn to each other again that no two people who are only friends should.

You would think it would be a case of rape that would lead us to temptation again. I remember a case earlier on involving a rape victim in the beginning that got to me. Being a product of rape, rape cases tend to get me a lot more than the other people in our unit. But that wasn't it.

Of course, the case I'm talking about still involved rape but it was so much more than that. It disturbed us both a lot. With me again, because it involved rape. As for Elliot it was the fact that the victim was a girl just slightly older than his oldest daughter. We couldn't believe that this well to do couple both of whom seemed so normal could actually be guilty of keeping a young girl imprisoned. Not just imprisoned. But my God, when we finally found her, she was in this made up drawer or box – however you would like to call it that pushes under their bed and that's where they kept her locked and caged like some sort of belonging you store when you don't need it. Before that we found a torture chamber full of S&M gear – the whole gamut of it. And after we found her, we knew what kind of hell she had been through for 3 years. 3 years!

After we made sure she was alright and turned her over to the proper department and we arrested the bastard who instigated the torture on her, we did our paperwork. And it seemed on the surface everything was normal. Well at least, as normal as anything would ever be in our line of work. Only this time it wasn't.

I saw El finish his paperwork and normally once he was done, he would start to pack up and then be on his way home. But that night, he didn't. When he was done and I was finishing up mine, I could see that he was still tense. There was a look on his face that told me that everything wasn't alright with him. His face was distraught, his expression tense and sad and angry all at the same time.

By this time, we had been able to move on from our one night together. I admit from time to time, I would have flashes of that night and how good the sex was, but by this time, it was practically out of our system. Almost like it didn't happen.

A week or so after we were officially partners, he finally told me why he had done what he had done with me that night. He told me he had no excuses. That he had been weak because he had been in a fight with his wife. I didn't really want to hear it. But he was my partner. So I listened.

As I got to know him through that first year, I realized what he told me then was true. It WAS the first time he had done anything like that. And even though he did end up cheating on Kathy then, I felt better somewhat that this wasn't something that he usually did. I realized then that maybe he was really just a nice guy, who tried to do the right thing when he married his pregnant high school girlfriend who now years later, had a weak moment.

But I digress, as I said, that night was practically out of our system or so we thought.

After I finished my paperwork, I invited him to go out for a drink. I kept thinking he really needed it. And honestly so did I.

Usually Elliot was quick to say yes or no. But tonight, something seemed to make him hesitate. I heard it in his voice. I could see he was about to say no but then I don't know what, something changed his mind. And he said yes…sort of…that is he told me he didn't really want to go home yet – but he didn't want to go out either. He said, "Liv, you think we could just have a couple of drinks and take out at your place? I'll buy."

That's what he said.

A look in his eye set off alarm bells in my head. But I ignored them. I thought to myself I was being silly. This was Elliot. It wasn't that I thought he was going to hurt me or anything like that at all. But I had the distinct feeling that this night was going to be different from our other nights.

But once more I ignored that intuition and I agreed.

So once we were done packing up, we took a cab to my Upper West Side apartment. Once there, we ordered Chinese food at my favorite place and then I took out my stash of vodka and we started to drink while waiting for the food.

"The case got to you, huh?" It was my first foray into making him admit what was bothering him.

"And it didn't get to you?" He shot back, pain in his eyes. He finished his first glass of vodka quickly and poured himself a second glass right away.

"Maybe you should wait for the food,El. Get something in your stomach before you drink again."

"Fuck that. I want to drink. My God, Liv, did you see where he kept her? That torture chamber?" Elliot took another long sip of his drink, but this time, he did not finish it.

"You were seeing Maureen in her…"

"God damn it, Liv! Of course I did. I can't imagine what sort of depraved person can do such a thing? And for his wife to let him get away with it – keep his secret and go along with it! What kind of people are they! Are they even human?"

I saw unshed tears in his eyes and in order to not let them fall, he finished his drink and poured himself a third drink.

I was about to protest but thankfully my buzzer saved him from my ministrations. "Food's here." I told him.

He nodded and he went to my door to buzz them in. As he waited for the delivery I told him that I was just going to go and change. He nodded again and I went into my room.

When I came back out, the food was already laid out on the table in front of my couch. When I walked in, I suddenly felt goosebumps on my entire body. For the first time since that night, I saw and FELT him rake his eyes over me with lust. Yes, I saw it, I knew it. And suddenly as sure as I had been a year ago, I knew we were going to end up in bed tonight.

Maybe I should have kicked him out then. Nipped it in the bud. But I didn't. In retrospect, I think I thought I could say no to him. That I could resist him. That I was that strong. And well….

But that's getting ahead of myself. I saw that the third drink he had poured himself was nearly halfway done with it. I was about to say something again, but once more I guess even then we had that Benson Stabler way of communication that everyone said we did and without a word, I knew that would be a bad idea. So I didn't say anything. I simply started to eat and so he followed suit.

It was the first time I think that we ate a complete meal in utter silence – well nearly the entire meal. I wanted to draw him out – but I knew him well enough to know that until he was ready, Elliot could not be convinced to do say or do anything he wasn't ready to say or do. So I simply shut up.

Finally when we were down to our last pieces of our General Tso's chicken, he spoke. "Liv, you know I know that girl wasn't Maureen but I kept seeing her face. And it hurts. It hurts a lot to know inspite of all our efforts there are people who get away with these things."

"It wasn't Maureen El."

"I know but, damn it Liv. Days like this I just wanna give up."

"You can't. We can't. Because if we do, then more good for nothings like that would be out on the street."

"I know. God the things we see!"

"Do you ever talk to your kids or Kathy about it?"

"Not my kids. Not ever. I don't want them to see how scared I am for them."

"What about Kathy?"

"I try but I can't. I don't think she can bear it, Liv. Honestly. She's not as strong as you. Plus I don't want her to see my fear either."

"Why not? Maybe you're underestimating her."

"No. I'm not. I know her. And besides, I'm not supposed to afraid. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one to protect them. And if I talk to them about it, then for it's like bringing the horror to them."

"Okay…but wouldn't you want them to know the dangers out there? So that they can protect themselves?"

"But that's just it, Liv. I don't want to be the one to shatter their innocence. It should be enough that I know. And since I'm the one who knows, it is my duty and obligation to take care of them and protect them."

"But El, you can't be with them all the time. Plus keeping all this to yourself is killing you. I can see it."

"I'm not keeping it all to myself…"

"Oh yeah, you just told me you don't talk to Kathy….so who do you…"

"You Liv. You. I talk to you. I sincerely don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."

"You've had other partners before me, El."

"Yes, but no one quite like you and me. I don't know Liv. Sometimes, I wonder how I survived those years without you as my partner. But somehow I did. But now it's been 5 going on 6 years for me in SVU and maybe I'm tired. My wall is crumbling. And I'm glad I have you and your strength to help me up. And maybe it's because I know you've been through a lot too in your life. You see the same things as I do Liv, but I can see you remain strong and true and etermined to make this world better. And I realize for the past several months that's what's been holding me together."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. People may see me as aggressive, strong, cocky...but in all honesty I think you're so much stronger than I am. And because of that, when I'm with you, I also feel stronger. Is that wrong? Is that too much?"

I don't know what it was but suddenly, we found ourselves just staring at each other. Suddenly we were just quiet. And now, I don't even remember if I reached for him first or if he did. All I know is that the next moment, he was kissing me. Hard. And the very moment our lips touched, we were in trouble. We knew, both of us knew, we weren't stopping not until we made each other cum over and over again.

It was almost a year ago then from that night we first fucked. Chris and Grace. That night had been amazing in the way an encounter you thought you'd have only once could ever be.

But this time, it was different. Chris and Grace were long gone. That night it was Liv and El. Two people who had grown so close.

That night Elliot spent that night in my place. He didn't go home. And he made me cum over and over again. And I did the same for him. I can still remember the way his cock filled me up and the way he made me quiver. The way he made me shout his name over and over. I don't think I've ever so much pleasure before. The more he did to me, and the more I did to him, the more we needed and craved one another. All our pent up emotions from everything in the past year came bubbling up to the surface.

I also remember the way he held me. The way he looked at me. And I remember how he had cried the last time he came that night. He let it all out and I'd like to think afterwards he felt better. And because he felt better, so did I.

We knew that night it wasn't about two people being horny. Or succumbing to temptation. It wasn't about him cheating. It wasn't about me getting my kicks over his wife. It was about comfort and the need to feel safe from all the tragedy that we saw daily. In a way, it was about comfort that only he and I could give each other.

Did I love him then? I don't know. I guess I did. But I don't think I realized the extent of it until later…much later.

This is only the beginning after all.

After we tired ourselves out from making love three times, he and I just laid in bed silent, our arms around each other. It was then that Elliot asked me a question that had anyone else asked of me, I would have surely slapped them. No, he didn't ask me to be his mistress. He didn't ask me to have an affair with him. Not in that sense. But he did ask me something that I said yes to. And to this day, I both revel and regret that fact.

What was it that he asked me?

He and I were face to face in my bed. I could see so much emotion in his face and I know my face held the same kind of expression. He touched my cheek and then kissed me. When he pulled away, that's when he asked it.

"Liv, can I ask you something? And I'm already warning you that it might be the most selfish thing you'll ever hear me ask you. It might even be the most selfish thing that you'll ever hear a man ask of you…but I need to ask it."

My brows furrowed and I grabbed his hand that was on my cheek and held tight in own hand. It was late and after so my whimpers and cries and moans, my voice couldn't manage more than a whisper. "What is it, El?"

"I love my wife, but when it comes to getting comfort from all the tragedy we see, she can't give that to me. Only you can give that to me. I was thinking…as selfish and wrong as this may come out – God, how do I ask this?"

I gave him a little smile then and replied, "Just ask."

"Okay…well, have you ever watched a movie called "Same Time, Next Year?"

When he said that my first thought was, 'what the fuck', because I had no idea where he was going with this. But all at once I remembered the movie. I was quite young when it came out but I remember watching it years later.

"Yes, I think so. Isn't it about two people who were married to other people but after a chance encounter one night, they agree to meet the same time every year? And during that one day or was it one weekend a year, they would be with each other and only each other?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"What about it?" My heart was pounding already at that moment. I knew what he was going to ask.

"Liv, can we meet like them, like this once a year? Once a year – where we can let everything out to each other. Comfort each other, listen to each other. One day or one weekend, whichever is okay for you, once a year where we can just talk, argue, fight, joke, eat, sleep, make love and just release every hurt and sorrow and tension we built over the year? I think I need that to survive this job. I know, I know why not just quit. Because I can't quit. With all that we see, how can I quit?"

My mouth had fallen open amidst his speech and I thought 'No, no way. Is he for real?' But then he wasn't finished. It was what he said after all that got to me.

"And Liv...I...I think I need it to survive you."

He needed it to survive me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. Yes, I asked him.

And he replied, "Because Liv, we've been together twice and as banal as it may sound, I've never felt with someone the way I feel when I'm with you. That has been in the back of my mind since I found out we were partners. And I can't do it anymore. But I can't leave my family. I'm not asking you to be my mistress or to have an affair with me. But as selfish as I may sound right now, I am asking you to be with me once a year, just like that movie. And the rest of the year, we can be just Benson and Stabler."

"What if I get involved with someone?" I could not believe I was even considering it. But the moment that question was out of my mouth, I knew I was considering it. In fact, I was more than halfway to saying yes.

"That's not part of the equation. It's once a year until…until we no longer need it."

I know he probably didn't realize it but basically he had put me on the same boat as him. He never asked me though. He just assumed. And amazingly he was right. I had no one to comfort me whenever anything I encountered bothered me. I didn't have an outlet to let it all out when it got too much. And too much was always part of our job. And not that I would have told him then, but he was right. Like him I have never felt anything in my life with anyone else, the way I felt when I was with him. But he didn't need to know that. Not right now.

I didn't realize that I had remained quiet for so long until I heard him say my name again. "Liv?"

I looked at him as he finished saying my name and even before I said the words, I had already agreed with him. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Elliot asked, needing confirmation.

"Once a year – the two of us – one weekend, no matter what. Until we no longer need it or each other." My voice hitched at the end.

"Are you sure?"

He gazed at me, his expression serious and earnest. I paused for a moment and then I replied softly, tenderly, "Yes, El, I'm sure."

He groaned then and the next thing I knew we were making love again. And we made love well into the dawn.

When we finally stopped making love, the first light of the next day was already peeking through the dawn sky. I asked him if he was going to go home or sleep there.

He never replied, instead he just wrapped his arms around me and for the first time, we fell asleep together.

When my alarm clock buzzed a few hours later, I found Elliot still there and just before we got up to go to work again, he made love to me once more.

A couple of hours later, we were at work. And we reverted to Benson Stabler mode. Until next year.

And that was the first year. We were partners for 12.

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_**TBC…**_

_**What do you all think so far? Up next, we find out about their second year together. So yeah this is going to be more than the 5 chapters I mentioned. Most probably 13 or 14 chapters. **_

_**By the way, "Same Time, Next Year" is a real movie. It came out in 1978 and it starred Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn. Ellyn Burstyn if you all recall actually played Bernie Stabler in the series. And no the movie also does not belong to me. I put the disclaimer here because I didn't want to give away the plot in the beginning. **_

_**Again, I hope you enjoyed reading! Again, please review! Here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	3. The Second Year

The Second Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

"Why are you holding back Liv?"

That's what he asked me when he came up to the cribs. It had been a month since my mother died. And for the first time since we became partners, Elliot saw me really closed off to everyone including him. I don't think he liked that.

But still at first he just let me be. Maybe for a week, he left me alone. I'm sure he figured I just needed some space. After all my relationship with my mother had been a complicated one. Having me as a product of her rape was something she never fully reconciled with. I came from her so she loved me. But I also came from her rapist so she hated me.

All throughout my life, we had a love hate relationship. When I was good in her eyes, she would love me. When I was bad in her eyes, she would hate me. And it seemed throughout my life, it was the latter that reigned.

She became an alcoholic after she had me. Probably because every time she looked at me, she saw him. But every time she saw me, she also saw herself. I was an angel to her and yet I was also the spawn of the devil.

I had resigned myself that it was just going to be like that with my mother. But of course, she was my mother. I never gave up trying to get her to love me. To get her to somehow forget what my father – whoever the hell he was – I didn't know then – I did eventually – but that's later on, we'll get to that later – was to her.

I don't think I ever succeeded. And because of all of that – well that was why joined Special Victims. She hated it when she found that I took a post in SVU. She thought it was just me solidifying my obsession to bring her rapist, my father to justice. She didn't buy the excuse that the reason I volunteered for the unit was so that if I could help it, no one would ever have to go through what she went through again…that no other child would have ever to go through a childhood and growing up years as I did again.

Of course, that's a pipe dream. I'm not Wonder Woman and my team as wonderful as they were then and still are now - well we're not the Superfriends. But at least I could help. At least I could be their voice in court when they came forward and testified. I would be their support and their rock. I would be to them what my mom never allowed me to be to her.

So when she died I was devastated. She had slipped on the subway stairs because she was drunk and died. I now had no one in the world. I never really did, but having Serena Benson alive even if she was drunk somehow allowed me to have some sort of family, some sort of stability.

Suddenly, in one moment that was gone.

We were in the middle of a very fucked up case when Captain Cragen told me about my mom. I didn't even cry when he told me. Very gently he had told me to go home. And he had told me to take a few days off. I did and then right after the cremation, he was very surprised to see me back at the station. He insisted I take the day. I said no. I told him I needed to work. He saw that I couldn't be dissuaded so he let me be.

That day and for a week after, Elliot just let me be. But then he saw that while I was en point during work, I was also quieter. I was less effusive with him. One time, he saw me talking to a victim's mother and he could see I was on the verge of tears.

At the end of the second week of my withdrawal, he started trying to draw me out. He would invite me to dinner, bring me snacks, and just talk to me about nothing and everything. He tried to bring back the Olivia that he knew I was.

But I was still in shock. No one knew that I didn't cry during the cremation or the service. All throughout the entire ordeal of dealing with the details of such a death I was just numb. It was like all my emotions were just stopped. I was incapable of feeling. And when I did feel a tiny sliver of an emotion, I would quickly try to put a stop to it.

I don't know. I think looking back, I thought if I didn't cry about it, it wouldn't be real. I was able to hold on like that and I was able to resist the attempts of Elliot to draw me out for a month. Until he came up that day to the cribs.

It was near the end of a very shitty day for us. What day isn't shitty for SVU after all? But as far I knew, there was nothing on his side that really rattled him for the last couple of months. Maybe it's the consequence of the job. Getting numb and being able to finally stomach what we actually saw.

The end of the day for us was actually at 8 am. We had worked through the night and I had told him that I was just going to take a nap in the cribs and to come get me if I was needed. When 8 am rolled by, he came up to tell me that we could go home.

I remember feeling his hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. My eyes flew open and I sat up groggily. "Hey, something break?"

"Nah.., " he said, rubbing his jaw. "It's 8 am, Liv. We're done for the day. Cragen said to come back in two days."

"What?" I knew I sounded upset and Elliot gave me a puzzled look.

"You're not happy to be off?"

"It's just that…" My voice trailed off and I could feel the tears about to come. I took a deep breath and steadied myself.

Elliot saw what I did and asked that question. "Why are you holding back, Liv?"

I didn't reply. Instead, I simply stood up and walked out of the cribs. I quickly grabbed my things from my desk and walked out into the morning sun. I didn't look back.

When I got to my apartment, I quickly went in and I showered. I showered because the warm water always managed to calm me down. And it usually made me drowsy especially a hard day or night at work. And right then I just wanted the oblivion of sleep.

I was just getting out of the shower when suddenly I heard a knock on my door. I have to admit I was annoyed at whoever it was. But I was never the type to ignore knocks. Most of my neighbors knew I was a cop and there was something me that always thought what if it was someone in trouble?

So I suppressed a sigh, put on a robe and went to the door.

Before I even looked through the peephole, somehow I knew it was Elliot. Just over three months ago, I had given him a key to my apartment – the building entrance and to my apartment door. I could surmise that he used that building key but not the apartment key. I was grateful for that. As close as we were he always somehow knew where I drew the line.

I opened the door and let him in. As he walked in the first words out of my mouth were, "What are you doing here, El?"

"Jesus, Liv you left the precinct like a bat out of hell and you didn't think I'd be worried?"

I remember sitting on the couch and shrugging and telling him, "You didn't have to worry. You told me that we were done and so I left."

I saw him sighing as well and weighing what he was going to say next. I didn't want any emotional speeches from him so I tried to pre-empt him. "Look, El. I'm fine, I'm tired…I just wanna sleep."

"Liv, you're depressed. Or at the very least, sad. Why won't you talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about, El."

"Your mother died."

"Yeah." I tried to maintain my composure.

But then he did something that broke it. Elliot stood up, sat next to me and the next thing I knew he had me in his arms. He held me tight, embraced me and told me, "Liv, just let go. Cry, sob, shout whatever. Just let go. I'm here. I'm here for as long as you need. I won't leave you."

The next thing I knew I was crying…HARD. Finally I cried for mother. I cried for everything we shared. And for everything we didn't get to do or talk about or share. Elliot held me and not for one second did I feel him move or loosen his arms around me. I cried long and hard. I had soaked his shirt by the time I was done. But after I was done, I felt better. Amazingly, I felt better.

When I finished crying, I slowly untangled myself from him. He looked at me and suddenly he kind of gave a moan which he suppressed the moment he saw that I heard it.

I was puzzled at first as to why he made that sound and then I realized that my robe had fallen open and he could see my naked body through the open portion.

Then it was like someone had lit a fire under me and I was on top of him, straddling him, kissing him hard.

"Liv…I…" Elliot hedged as I tore my mouth away from him.

"What's wrong? Wasn't it our agreement? Once a year? If we needed each other? Well I need you now, El." I told him. I knew my eyes were blazing with lust and need.

"It's just that I don't want you to think I came here for this. I was just really worried about you."

"El, I don't think that. So get it out of your brain."

"Okay." He breathed, reassured.

I removed my robe and I exposed myself to him. I let him see all of me. He saw my hardened nipples. He saw my flat stomach. He saw my flushed skin. Then I grabbed his hand and moved put it in between my legs and let him feel how wet I was.

He whimpered the moment he touched my pussy. I was suddenly so horny and aching from wanting him. And I could feel that he too, felt the same aching need because I felt his dick twitch and harden from under me.

"El…" I whispered as I went up and down on his hand in between my legs. "Fuck, I'm so wet. Let's take this to the bedroom."

I used all of my strength to stand up from where we were and to drag him to the bedroom. Once we were there I told him to strip, which he did very quickly.

I was soaking and aching for him so much so that I know that I pulled him quite roughly to the bed. But he didn't bat an eyelash.

There was no foreplay this time around. There would be time for that later on. And just like that he was inside me. I cried out as he plunged in and out of me. He felt so good inside of me. His cock, my God, it was probably the biggest I've had. And every stroke, every thrust he made was heaven. The friction was amazing. For the first time in my life, I didn't ask a man to put on a condom.

I know it was reckless behavior but I didn't care. I needed him so badly. I needed to feel every inch of him. I didn't want to miss out on a single sensation.

He had almost brought me to my edge but I hadn't had enough. So I flipped us over. And I pulled up, and suddenly he was no longer inside me. He looked at me with question in his eyes.

"Liv?"

"Sssh…wait. I don't want to cum yet." I told him.

He groaned. He needed to be inside me I knew. And I wanted him inside me but not yet. Instead I just sat on his dick – but I didn't put him in. I bent down and started to kiss him. Gently this time. As the tenderness replaced the frenzy, I could feel my emotions getting the best of me again. And this time, I didn't fight it.

As I kissed him passionately, his arms went around me and the moment they did, my tears began to fall again. When he felt my tears stain his cheeks, he sat up, taking me with him.

We stopped kissing and I lifted myself up a bit, reached for his hard length, lined it up with pussy and then impaled myself on it. The sweet pleasurable sensation filled me up and my tears came pouring forth. I put extended my legs in front of me and then locked my ankles on his back. The position made him go deeper in me than I ever thought possible. But we didn't move. Instead we just continued with our tender kissing.

It was probably one of the most emotional and most intimate moments I've ever experienced in my life. To this day when I remember that day, that moment, I still get goosebumps. It was an amazing, heady, sweet and seductive experience.

We couldn't stop kissing and we didn't. Even as we started thrusting against each other again, we continued kissing until we couldn't anymore, until we finally had to give it each other the release we needed that I needed.

Our foreheads touched as I grinded and thrust on his cock. His hands were on my ass - digging on them causing a bit of pain that only enhanced my pleasure. The sounds that were coming out of my mouth that night were nothing that I had ever heard from me.

I think I loved him then. But I couldn't say it. And I don't think it ever occurred to me at that time. As they say hindsight is 20/20 and it was only years later…oh maybe after he went back to his wife that I realized that we loved each other even then.

So there we were, having sex…or was it making love? At that time, I would have said we were just fucking each other out of need. And that time it was mostly me who had the need. I fucked him out of need.

But was it really just that? Because even though I never thought about it back then, looking back, even then, he had the ability to stir so much feeling and emotion and passion from me. Was it really just fucking or sex? It's 13 years later and maybe I'm just tired now but I really would like to think it was more than that even back then.

But anyway, I've run away from the story again. So there we were, our limbs entangled, our foreheads touching, his hands on my ass and mine where around his neck. I continued to ride him and he continued to thrust upward to meet my every motion. And my God, I'm sorry, I knew he was committing a sin with me because I wasn't his wife, but it felt fucking good. In the midst of all that pleasure my tears subsided finally when we pulled apart to look into each other's eyes, I don't know what we saw, or maybe we didn't want to know but that's when we both shattered and came apart. I swear to you I could feel every spurt of his cock spilling his semen into me. My pussy clamped and squeezed his cock so hard. I know because he said so. He kept shouting it. Just like he kept shouting my name. I kept shouting his too. Over and over. Until our orgasms subsided. Until we could no longer shout and cry.

Once we were done, I got up and when he felt his cock slide out of me, he moaned. "Shit, Liv. I hate not being inside you." That's what he told me.

And I remember just smiling and telling him that I felt the same.

It was nearly 10 in the morning and I was exhausted physically and emotionally but I had one more thing on my mind.

"El?"

"Hmmm?" He looked at me and reached for me. I willing crawled into his waiting arms.

"We said once year, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"I know it's not a weekend and out of the blue but we were told not to come back to the precinct for two days…can you…can you make an excuse to stay here with me?"

I looked at him hopefully and he smiled. It was a smile weak from the physical exertion of our fucking but a smile nevertheless. "Of course." He told me. "I'll think of something."

"Okay, good. Thank you El."

"Liv, I'll always be here for you."

I nodded and kissed him briefly. "I know."

"You better."

"El? It hasn't been a year yet since our last…well you know?" I asked in a tentative tone of voice.

"Don't worry about it, it's a different year and well you needed it."

"What if you need me, what then?"

Elliot chuckled. "You worry too much, you know? We'll figure it out, okay?"

"Okay."

We were quiet for a few minutes and then Elliot spoke up again. "Liv, I have something to tell you."

I smiled at him a bit sleepily and asked, "What is it?"

"Please don't be mad, okay. Just hear me out."

I remember my brows furrowing at his words and then I nodded. "Okay. What?"

"Well the NYPD's records section called while you were out the other day and they were going to ask you who to put as your next of kin now that your mother is gone…but you weren't there. So I told them to put my name. I hope that's okay. If it isn't then just call them up when we get back to the precinct in two days and change it. But there, I told you."

I look at him in wonderment then. I couldn't believe that he would do that. And a feeling of tenderness surged in me again for my partner. I know it sounds bad, but I didn't even think about his wife then. I think I got teary eyed too when I told him, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Liv." He said.

We drifted to sleep after that. And when we woke up in the afternoon, he called Kathy. I don't know what he said to her. I didn't really ask or want to know. All I knew was after that call, Elliot and I spent the next two days together. And just like we promised each other, during those two days, we laughed, we told jokes, we got to know each other more, we watched tv, we played video games, we cooked and ate, we took showers together and we…had…made love.

At the end of the 2nd day, after we made love one last time, I felt a pang of regret as Elliot got dressed to finally go home.

When he was dressed I walked him to the door and kissed him. "Till next year." I told him, a smile on my face but a bit of sadness in my heart. He had made me feel better and happier in the last two days. And now it was ending.

I think he felt the same but of course neither of us let on. So he simply echoed, "Till next year."

Then as he stepped into the hallway, I watched him as he walked towards the elevators. Halfway there he turned back, a grin on his face and told me, "See you tomorrow, Benson."

"See you tomorrow, Stabler."

And that was it. The moment he stepped out of my apartment, we were back to just being the dynamic duo of Benson and Stabler.

That was year two. Just the second year. We have ten more years to cover.

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**TBC….**

_**Perhaps next chapter, we'll find out who Olivia is talking to. Perhaps not? But whatever may be the case, we delve into Olivia and Elliot's story on their third year of partnership next. **_

_**In the meantime, please do review. Here or on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	4. The Third Year

The Third Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine, they are Dick Wolf's.**_

_**Please note that the change of point of view / speaker indicated by the italics. Everything that is not italicized is still Olivia's first person POV. **_

_**In this chapter, we find out who Olivia is speaking to. Please enjoy reading and do review! **_

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_The box had been left in his apartment door. He didn't know who delivered it or how it got there. All he knew was when he got home from his new job, it was there. _

_It's been almost a year since he left SVU, almost 8 months since he's been living in this apartment in Manhattan's Lower East Side and almost 5 months since he and Kathy had been officially divorced. His life was a mess since he killed Jenna. _

_He'd had a nervous breakdown after the shooting. He had to go into a rehab of sorts to get himself together. It had been hell but there was light at the end of the tunnel. He realized in rehab that he and Kathy were long over and when he got out, he made sure to take care of that. _

_Of course, Kathy had been mad and the result was that he only got twice monthly visitations with his kids. But for now, that was okay with him. He knew he had to go slowly. Once he was okay, he was going to petition the courts for joint custody. But for now, he wasn't capable of that. He knew it and he accepted it. Acceptance of things he cannot change for the moment was part of his learnings in rehab. _

_He had actually faced a lot of his demons in the last year and though he wasn't 100 percent yet, he was proud of what he had accomplished thus far. But there was one thing he refused to think about and that was Olivia. Once in a while, an image of her face would cross his mind and when it did, he quickly shut it out. He still couldn't deal with her. He still couldn't deal with his feelings for her. Couldn't? If he was honest with himself, it was more of wouldn't rather than couldn't. After 12 years of denial, it was now a habit – one that was wrong but at the same time, hard to break._

_At least, until the box arrived. It was a plain box and there was no return address. There were no stamps or airway bills of any sort. It was a just small brown box with his name written at the top. At first he hesitated to open it. Over the years, as detective, he had made enemies – people he had sent away to prison have been known to make threats against him when they got out or even in jail. So he was wary at first. But then after careful inspection, he was convinced that this box was just that. A box with something inside for him. Something benign. Nothing deadly. So he took a deep breath and opened it. The contents of the box puzzled him. It was filled with cds. He counted them and found that there were 13 cds in all. The cds were labeled with dates from a month after the shooting and the most recent one was only 2 weeks ago. Aside from that, there were titles that said The First Year, The Second Year until The Twelfth Year. The 13__th__ cd was different. Written on the 13__th__ were the words, Save for last. There were no other labels or writing in them and he had to admit, he was curious. And the short note included inside that said, "You need listen to these." made him all the more curious. He carefully studied the writing on the note. And he surmised that the note along with the cd titles were written by a calm, steady hand that he did not recognize. _

_He decided then not to worry about who sent it but instead to focus on what was on those cds. So he took the one that said, The First Year, popped it into his laptop and played it. He paled all of a sudden when he heard the voice on it. Olivia. "And that was how we met…." It began. His heart began to beat faster. And as much as he didn't want to hear, he couldn't bring himself to press stop. He heard Olivia begin to tell their story. And he cradled his head in his hands. _

_He missed her. He missed her so much. Why couldn't he bring himself to see her?_

_He continued to listen. For the first 10 minutes, it was just Olivia talking. He wondered who she was talking to at first, and when he finally heard a second voice, it was a voice of another woman. It sounded familiar but he couldn't place it? His first thought was Rebecca Hendrix but then again, Liv knew he had a brief flirtation with her – she wouldn't have gone to her. So who was she speaking to? _

_It was only when he was nearly done with the second year that he realized who it was. Liz Olivet. She had been a psychologist for the DA's office. She went to Liz? Did he really fuck her up that much? _"Well you won't ever know will you Elliot? Not until you finally get the balls to go to her."_ An inner voice suddenly taunted him. _

_He ignored it though and concentrated on her voice telling their story. He couldn't believe that she was actually telling their story. It was sordid, wrong, right, amazing, full of love, full of passion, full of hate, anger and sadness. They had been all of that. Their story had been all of that. _

_For the next hour and a half he listened to the first two CDs. At first he was impassive. By the time he got to the end of the 2__nd__ cd, emotions were starting to course through Elliot. Try as he might, he could not remain stoic and detached. This was Olivia. His partner, his best friend and his part time lover for 12 years. How could he remain detached and unemotional hearing everything that she was saying? It was an impossibility. _

_When he finished the second cd, he grabbed a beer from the fridge before he got the third cd to put on his laptop. Before he even played it, he already knew the pattern that the rest of the cds and the recordings contained in them were going to go. The Third Year was the title of this one and he knew that it would be about their 3__rd__ year on the job. The third year of their so called agreement. _

_Looking back and up until now he couldn't believe that she had said yes to that. He truly was a selfish son of a bitch. Instead of calling it quits with Kathy, he had managed to find a way to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it was once a year, but still…he knew that if he needed to do that with her once a year, then something had been wrong with his marriage. It went on for 12 years. If Jenna hadn't had happened, it would be probably still be going on now. _

_He sighed. It was too late for shoulda coulda wouldas. He pressed play then and listened once more …_

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Honestly, I think by the time we were on our third year, Elliot and I were in a full blown emotional affair. Not that we would have ever admitted to anyone…even to ourselves.

Sure, we only got together once a year so far. But sometimes I wonder if we could actually keep it at that. But again we weren't ready to admit to anything.

The third year was quite an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. Mostly because that was the year of 9/11. We lost so many of our friends to that tragedy that it was all we could not to give up. And to just say "To hell with it."

But we didn't. We trudged through that. We survived. We knew we had to survive for those who didn't. For those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have a future. So that we could go on. We owed them that. We owed them not to give up hope but to continue to fight the good fight.

However that was easier said than done. Once more, less than a year after the last time we came together, two cases threw both Elliot and I for a loop. Mine was the first.

I had sent an innocent man to jail. For many years of his life, he had been locked up. This was because I was good at my job and I had made my case. When the case went to trial, a jury believed me and the district attorney and found him guilty. But now thanks to the advances of science, DNA technology had found him innocent. His conviction was overturned and he was a free man. Of course, though he was free, we….I could never give back the years he lost in prison. I cannot undo anything that was done to him there.

I didn't know at first that he his conviction had been vacated and that he was released. This only came to light after three bodies turned up in a body farm just outside of Poughkeepsie. It was a federal area and so the bodies had been discovered quite quickly. I wasn't there when Elliot was called and he was the one who went up there. It made sense that it would be him to go up there because he was our federal liaison.

We later found out that I was the connection to all three. And later on we found out that Eric Plummer – that was the guy I had put in jail wrongly – was the one behind the murders. He murdered 3 innocent people plus one that wasn't quite so innocent because he wanted to get back at me. I was beyond humiliated and mad and devastated. Four people were killed because of me.

When I finally caught up to him, to Eric, he had taken another woman hostage. And I felt that I had no choice except to shoot him. I fired my gun and I killed him. I killed him only to find out that the gun he was wielding had no bullets in it…just like he told me right before I shot him.

Of course I knew I had no real way of knowing that. And knowing what he had done, that he was capable of murder, didn't really bode well for him and his credibility. As I confronted him, he freely confessed to the murders – he said he had wanted to set them free from their pain. So when he said that his gun wasn't loaded, I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. How could I after a confession like that? But nevertheless, I felt very guilty. I was the reason that all these murders happened. And I couldn't forgive myself for that. Rationally, I knew the system was not perfect and that I had not rendered the guilty verdict. But still maybe if I had checked the evidence again, maybe if I had not been so single minded in my quest to prove him guilty I would have seen something that would have exonerated him and 5 people would have still been alive.

After I had shot him, I shut down. Elliot kept calling me, knocking at my door but I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. No one – I thought – no one could make me feel better right now. Not even my partner.

I took a week off after that and when I returned, I was almost back to normal. I was able to talk to Elliot again. I was able to do my job to the fullest again. Though we never talked about it, I think Elliot understood. Or so I thought – at least until a case came along that turned the tables. And at that point, however irrational it seemed, I thought he was getting his payback.

Right before that case however, there was a case that I admit made me think about us. It was this case about a man who was running around on his wife. Of course, the parallels were not a hundred percent. Elliot and I weren't having an affair in the very sense of the word. And this guy was not only running around with one woman other than his wife, he ran after a lot of them. Still, it made me think. That case ended really badly. Again, there was no way what happened there could have happened to us. Peyton Cleberg was targeted for a hit that went awry. And that would definitely not have happened with us. But still, I knew what we were doing was wrong. Albeit it was only once a year then. It was still wrong. And no matter how justified Elliot and I were in doing what we did, it was still wrong.

Unfortunately, neither of us had the strength to say that. Neither of us had the strength to say no more. Especially since neither of us wanted it to stop.

The next case almost ripped Elliot to shreds. And the reason wasn't actually that one case per se. Right before we caught that one, Elliot had a previous case that went down the toilet. A pedophile grandfather who had raped his granddaughter and given her gonnorhea was acquitted. Elliot couldn't believe it. He was so angry. Worse, he made a promise to the girl that she was never going to get hurt again. And when the case was lost, I knew that was what was really bugging him and getting his goat. That because the system failed, a pedophile was now free to rape his granddaughter again.

Nevertheless, even though I understood this, it did not prevent me from being pissed at Elliot when we caught our next case. He had shut down as I had with the case of Eric Plummer. And because of this new case, he had to rein himself in and do his job. But he wasn't doing it very well. It'd have been fine with me, except his leftover frustration and anger was now spilling over and affecting the new one.

I could see the change in him. He was cold, detached, angry as he interviewed our victim. I had to get in between him and her because if I didn't he would have surely broken the already injured party. And I knew Elliot was better than that. Elliot was a great cop. I couldn't let him continue that way and get his career flushed down the toilet. It surely would have been had he had continued the way he was going.

And then after all my efforts to protect him and shield him, he did something that pissed me off. He pissed me off because when Hawk, a guy out of Manhattan South, whom he knew from the Academy suddenly swooped in and hijacked our case, Elliot automatically went with him as he commandeered the squad. I mean what was I? Who was I? I was his partner. I didn't care who this Hawk was. I wanted him to know that I was Elliot's partner. Not him. I had been covering his ass all this time and suddenly I was thrown to the side unceremoniously. Yeah, I was pissed.

Fortunately, thanks to their tenacity and stubborn nature, the rapist killer was found quickly and the case was put to bed.

But I was still pissed. I was pissed that he didn't seem to trust me enough to help with the case. I was pissed that he had so easily given in to Hawk that he work the case with him and not me. I was pissed that he had once again shut down. I was pissed that he did not give me enough importance to tell Hawk that if he wanted the two of them to work together, that I was part of the package. But he did none of that and I was pissed beyond belief.

Of course, I had shut down and ignored him during the Eric Plummer case too. But god damn it! Did he have to have payback? Deep down I doubted that it was payback, but in that moment that was what it felt like. It felt like that he was punishing me because of that.

So three days after that case was closed, I cornered him in the cribs. He was resting and I stormed into the room locking the door behind me. I shook him roughly, waking him up. He was startled and I could see that his cop reflexes had kicked in. As he sat up, he was ready to pummel whoever it was who woke him up. When he saw it was me, he took a deep breath and said in a very irritated voice, "What the hell, Liv?"

"What the hell, Liv?" I mimicked. I paused for a second and then spat out, "Fuck you, Elliot."

I knew I was being unreasonable. He didn't even know what I was mad about and I already cursed him.

"Yeah, what the hell?" He returned, his voice was cold, on the edge.

I looked at him, my eyes I knew were glittering from the anger that was surging through me. I don't know why I was so enraged. The case was over. Hawk was gone. He and I were full-fledged partners again so what the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was fuming. I very angry at Elliot.

He looked at me, as if trying to figure out where my anger was coming from. But before he could say another word, my lips were on his. And I was kissing him, hungrily, angrily, urgently, roughly. All my resentment, all the pent up emotions that I had locked up since shooting Eric Plummer were bubbling to the surface.

I had managed to push him on his back, and he was now lying flat on the bed. He tried to put his arms under my shirt but I had grabbed them and pushed them over his head. I pinned him down. I could feel my lips getting swollen as I continued to devour him with my kissing. I could hear him struggling for air and several times he almost got out of the hold that I had him in. But my anger made me strong and I was able to hold him back.

Suddenly, his cell phone rang and I knew he had to answer it. I tore my mouth roughly away and exclaimed, "Fuck!"

I got up from straddling him and without another word, I left the cribs.

I ran towards the restrooms. I was breathing heavily as looked at myself in the mirror. My lips were swollen from the kissing and my lipstick was smeared all over my face. I turned the faucet on and started to wash my face.

All of a sudden, I heard the door open and close behind me. Before I even saw him, I knew it was Elliot. He was looking at me, the expression on his face I couldn't figure out. I could still see traces of my lipstick by his mouth.

I wiped my face with a towel and then turned to face him. The next thing I knew, he had pushed me against the sink and his pelvis was thrusting against me. His lips were on mine and his hand was underneath my shirt, squeezing my breast.

I gasped and managed to say, "Elliot, fuck. What the hell?"

"What the hell, Liv?" He returned, releasing my mouth. "What the hell was that up there?"

"I…I…" I stammered, suddenly not knowing what to say.

"What, Liv? Fuck, you're gonna drive me crazy."

I looked at him, my ass pressed against the sink and saw his blue eyes dark with lust and passion and need. I moaned soflty then replied in what could only be described as a harsh and ragged tone of voice. "I need you."

"What?" Elliot's voice was dangerously low and his hand that had been on my breast was travelling south.

"I..oh God!" I gasped as suddenly his hand was now under my pants and he had cupped my aching mound.

"What Liv?" He asked again, his voice rough as ever as he started to rub me between my legs as best as he could with my pants still on. "Say it, Liv."

"I…I…God damn it, Elliot! That's feels good." My breathing became rapid and I knew my face was flushed.

"Stop stalling, babe and say it." It was practically a command. The cocky son of a bitch. Suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one suddenly in control and demanding.

"I need you, El." I croaked. "I want you."

"Now? Right now? You want me to take you right here, Liv? Say the word and I will." Elliot told me. His face had a reckless look and one of his fingers had now entered my dripping slit.

"Fuck." I breathed. My control was slipping. I wanted him alright. But I also knew it couldn't happen there. Not because I was scared. But because I knew that it wouldn't be enough. I wanted him and I wanted him to make me squirm and cum and shout and shudder many times. And that couldn't be done here.

"You wanna fuck, Liv?" Elliot asked, his expression dark and ominous but also very seductive and hard to resist.

I nodded feverishly. My heart was pounding, scared that someone could walk in on us. I could feel Elliot's hardened cock against me and involuntarily I moaned at the feeling of it against my thigh. Forcing myself to speak, I said hoarsely, "Yes, I do but not here."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

"Because what, Liv? Because we might get caught?"

"No."

"Then why not here, right now. I can feel you Liv, you're fucking wet and ready and I'm sure you can feel how ready I am." Elliot replied, his words almost taunting.

I whimpered and I bit my lip. I didn't want anyone to hear us.

"Why not, Liv? Come on, tell me."

"Be…because, I don't want you just once El." I confessed. I looked away then, feeling not a little dirty. Once again, I needed him. God damn this job.

Elliot smirked and replied, "Is this going to be our yearly thing Liv? Because if it is, then fuck, you don't know how long I've needed this already."

I looked at him and nodded. "Yes."

He released me then and as I stood there catching my breath, he let me watch him lick the finger that had been inside me clean. "You have good timing you know?"

"Huh?" I know I looked puzzled.

"We're off again for the next two days."

I suddenly remembered that yes we were off. "So…" I started to say.

"Let's finish with our day and I'll call Kathy."

I looked him and nodded. Then without another word, I walked out of the restroom. A moment later, he walked out too.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

_Elliot hit pause, momentarily stopping Olivia's narrative. Fuck. Had they really been that reckless? Elliot closed his eyes trying to remember. He couldn't believe that Olivia had been able to tell all of this to Liz Olivet and in great detail. He could almost see her during her session. He could hear the passion, the lust, the anguish in her voice. She must have really needed to finally tell someone their story. _

_He heard the voice of Liz Olivet on the cd next as she asked, "Olivia, did you even question your actions then? Why him? Why Elliot? He was married. You could have had any man, why Elliot? This is only year 3 and yet…why?"_

_He heard Olivia sigh on the cd and for a moment there was just a white noise. He could tell that Liz wasn't pushing her. Finally after a few minutes, Olivia began to speak once more._

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I don't know why it was only him who could make me feel better. You're right. I could have had any man. God knows, not to brag but I've had lots of guys ask me out over the years. But for some reason, none of them ever met my standards.

And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that the reason for that is because Elliot was always there. And now thirteen years later I could probably say that you're on the money with that. Honestly I think it's the reason I was able to let David Haden go so easily.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

_David Haden? Who the fuck was David Haden? _

_For a minute, Elliot paused the cd, wracking his brain if he knew who that was. But then he realized he didn't. _

_Though it bothered him, he decided to shelve worrying about this David for now. For now, he had to finish listening to these cds. He pressed play again and listened once more._

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

But back then, three years in, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that. Heck. I don't think it even occurred to me. Or maybe I didn't want to even to start thinking that way.

To continue with the story, yes, we did get together that night and for the next two days. By the time we finished our shift, we were feeling antsy and not more than a little horny. I could see it by the way he looked at me. He wanted me now. And God knows I wanted him.

Thankfully by the time the end of our day rolled in, nothing came up and we were able to get out of the precinct without any hardships.

We took a cab to my Upper West Side apartment again. During that cab ride, we barely spoke. We were on opposite sides of the back seat and we didn't dare touch. We didn't because we knew the moment that we did, we would be all over each other.

So we waited as patiently as we could. Finally after battling the endless Manhattan traffic we made it to my apartment. The moment we were inside that door, we jumped on each other.

Literally, we tore off our clothes off of each other and by that time I didn't know who was leading who anymore.

Whereas the last time we did this, our experience was intimate, tender and gentle, this time around it was the complete opposite. Tonight and well into the dawn hours, we let our rage lead us. We were angry. Angry at each other. Angry at ourselves. Angry at everything we saw in our jobs. We were angry at the limited things that we could do to make things right for the victims we encounter every day. We were angry at the things we couldn't, wouldn't and weren't allowed to do.

Though we didn't get so rough that we actually hurt each other, I think it was the first time that I had ever had sex with anyone where I ended up with bruises. Though not deliberately and intentionally, the rage that had bubbled to the surface made us rough with each other. There was no gentleness this time. No tenderness.

Elliot pummeled me, rammed me and thrust hard while he was inside me and I enjoyed every minute of it. I bit him, scratched him, slapped him and he took it all. During that night, the pain we inflicted on each other was our pleasure. We liked it. We loved it. And though we knew we would never repeat it again, we reveled in it.

By the time we woke up the next morning however, the rage had drained out of us. And in the morning light, I could see I had bruises on the back of my thighs from being propped against my dresser while Elliot pummeled me. In the light, I could see the scratches I had given him running down his back, bright pink.

I could see Elliot stirring and I softly touched one of the wounds I had inflicted on him. He flinched and then turned towards me. "I'm sorry." I told him when his gaze rested on mine.

"It's okay, Liv." His words were soft and hoarse from sleep.

"I'm full of bruises too." I laughed ruefully, showing him the back of my thighs.

"Oh shit, Liv. I'm sorry." Elliot apologized, looking distressed that he had caused them.

"El, it's fine. Last night was something else. There was a lot of anger in us."

"I know. But still I'm sorry." Elliot said, looking regretful. "I didn't mean it…"

"I know…don't worry, I'm fine. I'm sorry too. I mean shit, your back is scratched up to say the least." I told him. "What if…"

He stopped my thought then. He knew so well by then. He knew what I was thinking and he knew who I was thinking about. "Don't think about it."

I nodded, glad for a reprieve. But nevertheless, for a second, I felt guilty. Once again, he was lying and cheating on his wife. And because of me. I knew that for the second year in a row, I was the one who asked. I was the one who led him to this. But then I knew it took two to tango. He didn't have to say yes. Not that I would have known how I would have felt if he had said no. But in my gut, I knew he'd never say no. At that point I didn't even want to think why he wouldn't say no. I didn't want to think why I thought he'd say yes to me all the time.

He reached out for me, pulling me down into his arms and whispered, "Don't think about it, Liv. Don't think about her. Don't think about the bruises and the anger from last night."

I nodded in his arms, but didn't look at him. "I'm sorry, El. I…I feel like I'm bad for you."

"Why?" Elliot asked.

I finally looked up at him and sighing, I replied, "Because you're married and once a year, you cheat on your wife because of me."

"That's not true and you know it." Elliot told me firmly.

I nodded again. "I know but still…I feel like I'm doing you wrong."

"Liv…you're not. Okay. I want this as much as you. We agreed that first year. But if you can't do this…then just let me know. No hard feelings. I was the one who asked you for this in the first place. I was the selfish bastard who came up with this idea."

"Yes, that's true. But I didn't have to say yes."

"No, you didn't. But why did you?"

"Because…" My voice trailed off. I could swear I felt tears behind my eyes. But I took a deep breath and composed myself. "Because I need it to survive you too…"

Elliot gave a small moan and at that moment I think he understood. We both understood. That's all we were willing to admit to right then.

That second day was so different from the night before. I think we practically stayed in bed the entire day. We did remember to eat – we ordered from my favorite Chinese place and then later on in a pizza place that we both loved. But aside from that, we made love the entire day. This time our actions were far from the way we were the night before. This time our actions were gentle, loving, tender almost poignant at times.

But it wasn't the making love part that second day of our third year that I remember the most. What I remember the most was how it felt to be in his arms. How I felt safe, comforted, taken care of. For the first time in my life I think I finally didn't feel alone.

When we finally fell asleep that second night wrapped in nothing but each other's arms, a traitorous thought wormed its way into my mind. For the first time since that first night we thought of each other as Chris and Grace, I wished that Elliot wasn't married. I wished that he didn't have to leave me in the morning. I wished that instead of partners at work, we were just partners. But of course that wasn't the case. He was married. And except for our trysts once a year, he was strictly faithful to Kathy.

_Does that make you sleep better, Liv thinking that? Who are you kidding? You guys are in deep shit. _

I closed my eyes trying to shut that voice. I couldn't think that way. I wouldn't think that way. I would not be so cliché as to fall in love with my best friend. I won't let that happen.

Elliot felt me stir and he tightened his arms around me. Finally, I was too exhausted and I decided not to think anymore. It was better that way after all.

I fell asleep then. The next thing I knew it was morning. I woke up before him. I dreaded the minute he woke up because I knew then he'd be saying goodbye. But in a way I was relieved too. Though I felt better now, I was also emotionally drained. The emotions we had released on each other were so much that I couldn't help but feel tired.

I expected that he'd be out the door the moment he woke up. But I was wrong. He lingered. We were still able to have breakfast courtesy of the bagel place around the corner – delivery again of course. Then Elliot made love to me again one last time. It was only after that he left. I loved that he had loved me one more time before we had to become the dynamic duo again. However, because he did, it left me wanting more. And for now, there could be none.

That was the third year. The fourth year would bring more for us. But that's for another session and another time.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

_The cd came to an end and Elliot didn't realize until then that he had been crying. He remembered everything Olivia had said in that cd. He remembered their rage, their passion. His cock twitched even now remembering the way they had made love then. _

_For the first time in a long time, he let himself think of her. Really think of her. Where was she? Was she okay? Who sent him the cds? _

_Suddenly, he needed to know the answers. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed her number. He tried three times. Every time it just went to voicemail. _

_Something told him that something was not right. Someone left those cds for a reason. It was almost like someone was trying to remind him of her and maybe also tell him she needed him now. But he had not been in touch with anyone since he left. _

_He buried his face in his hands again, feeling helpless. What was he supposed to do? He thought hard and then finally he came to a decision. He was going to finish listening to everything and once he had done that, he was going to find Olivia. Somehow he knew he needed to._

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_**TBC…**_

_**Whoa! Who sent Elliot the box? What was he going to do? Is he finally going to find Olivia? **_

_**Up next as well, we get to the fourth year of their partnership. What happens? Do they continue? Do they decide to stop? Find out next!**_

_**In the meantime, please do review! It only takes a minute of your time and it totally makes my day. And because it makes my day, it speeds up the updating process. Lol. Thanks in advance. Review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	5. The Fourth Year

The Fourth Year

_**Author's Note: Law &Order SVU and its characters are not mine. **_

_**I'm sorry it took so long to update this. But I need to know each season well to know where my chapter can jump from and season 4 was one of the three seasons I was unfamiliar with. **_

_**If you do see any errors, be it spelling or grammar, I apologize ahead of time. I do not have a beta so this is all me.**_

_**Also, just as a reminder - Dr. Olivet is NOT a psychiatrist. She is a psychologist. **_

_**Anyway, I hope to put up The Fifth year next week. In the meantime, please do read and review! Thank you!**_

. . .

_It was nearly 11 pm when he finished the 3__rd__ cd. He didn't have work the next day. And so Elliot decided to continue on. _

_He grabbed another beer from the fridge before popping the next CD on his computer to play. But before he did that, he glimpsed his cell phone and tried calling Olivia's number again. But once more, it went straight to voicemail. _

_He sighed. He felt out of sorts. Hearing her words on the cds, telling Olivet about them and their years together was a painful trip down memory lane. Not because he regretted any of his experiences with Olivia. No it wasn't that. It was painful because it was the past. He realized right then and there, he wished the Olivia wasn't just a part of his past. He wanted her to be part of his present._

'But that's your fault isn't it?'_ A voice in his head suddenly spoke up, somewhat taunting and blatantly laying the blame at his door._

_Yes, it was his fault. He admitted it now. But what could he do? He couldn't undo what was already done. _

'You could look for her.'

_Yes he could do that. But not yet. Someone had sent him these CDs for a reason. Maybe someone wanted him to finally face everything about Olivia. He and her…12 years…and if someone had asked her to put a label to their relationship he wouldn't have been able to. The best he could probably do was to say, "It was complicated…"_

_And it was…and probably still is. _

_He sighed one more time and then finally pressed play._

. . .

During our fourth year Elliot killed a cop. A dirty one but a cop nevertheless. He was devastated. And though he was cleared, he was ordered to go to therapy. I had gone through the same thing the previous year and I remember him asking if it helped.

"What did you say?" Liz Olivet asked.

I told him the truth. That it didn't help much. At least not for me. But then again, I had killed someone who was once innocent and because of my doing he was sent to prison. I felt that he had become the killer that he was because of me. So it was a whole different thing.

Looking back maybe I shouldn't have told him that. Maybe I should have not tainted something that he hadn't even started. But there you go. I could never lie to Elliot. At least not blatantly and not on a matter that was important to him. And so I told him what I felt was the truth.

I remember he looked dejected after I had told him that. But he took it. Elliot always took things and let it fester inside him. We never spoke about his therapy again. Eventually he was cleared by the psychiatrist and things seemed to go back to normal.

I have to admit though, after he had shot that cop, I so badly wanted to go to him. To offer him comfort. But even then I realized if I did that it would be for selfish reasons. You see that year was the year I realized that I actually looked forward to our once a year rendezvous. In fact, I kept looking for a reason for it to happen. I guess by then I was in love with him. I had done the cliché thing and fallen in love with my best friend. Unfortunately my best friend was also married so I knew as much as I wished for him to leave his wife, it wouldn't happen.

And so I put it at the back of my mind. And even though I knew consciously I was doing that, I wasn't near ready to admit that I was in love with him. I know I know, I just told you that by then I was in love with him. I only say that in retrospect or at least I only admit that in retrospect. Back then though, no way. I would have rather died first before anything of the sort. I know it sounds confusing. I knew it and maybe even thought it, but to say it out loud even if it was just to myself? There was no way that was happening during that time.

Anyway, finally, finally everything went back to normal for me. Well at least as normal as someone who had my job could ever be. I dated a string of guys that year. No one ever stuck. And I kept telling myself it was because the guys I chose to date never understood my job, never could take the nature of my job. But once more, in hindsight that wasn't the case.

Yes a couple of them could not stomach what I did. A lot of them hated that I had to end dates abruptly because I was called in. There were even times that I had to leave in the middle of having sex with some of them. But as much as my job called me to sacrifice a lot, I couldn't leave it. I had requested…volunteered to be with SVU and I would be damned if that was jeopardized because of some guy.

Of course there were a couple that didn't care what I did. They understood the demands of my job and why I had to leave in the middle of a date or even making love at times. But sooner or later I found fault and each of them. And each of them ended.

Looking back, while there were a lot wrong with most of them, there were that one or two guys whose only "fault" was the fact that they weren't Elliot. Again had someone actually told me that before I would have laughed at them and called them delusional.

But 13 years on, you see things you didn't see before or at least things you didn't want to see before. 13 years on you start thinking, admitting, regretting and even asking - what if?

. . .

_Elliot pressed the pause button, his heart was beating fast. Olivia had been in love with him. She had been in love with him as much as he had been in love with her. And they never knew. Well at least, he never knew._

'Oh come now, Elliot, this is bullshit. You both knew.'

_There was that inner voice again. _

"_No we didn't," he answered it. "At least, I didn't."_

'Uh huh and the sky is green, right?'

_Elliot closed his eyes tightly to shut out that voice. Then he grabbed his beer and drank deeply, draining the bottle. Before he pressed play again, he got up and got another one from the fridge. He had a feeling he was going to need it. _

_When he settled back in, he pressed play again._

. . .

Anyway, like I said, everything went back to normal. The dynamic duo was back in form.

And then Elliot stumbled onto a child pornography case. And cases like that, well it was hard on Elliot. He had four kids. During our fourth year, he only had four kids. Eli came much later. But regardless of the number of kids he had, the fact that he had kids always made it hard for Elliot to take on cases with kids as victims.

It started out as a rape-homicide but then as the investigation wore on, it was discovered that it was a much bigger case than anyone had anticipated. I was busy with another case, on my own then and I was not able to partner up with him as usual. He worked with a guy out of homicide, someone named Sam Bishop.

Anyway, not to get to caught up with the details, basically it led him to look for two girls. To find one of them, he had to go all the way to Czech Republic. Elliot had never needed a passport before and he was issued one by the US State Attorney's office because they had asked him to go after this guy in Europe.

Thankfully, it was one of those cases, though always heartbreaking – that ended happily. Elliot found the girl, Mia in Europe and they were able to collar the guy who brought her there. He told me later on, he had beaten the crap out of him and the Czech police and Europol just let him. I guess things are really different over there. I can't recall his name now, but the guy was a real sicko. He not only was a pedophile who abused Mia and made her have sex with him and pedophile pals, he also had a pornography business. And his business had a lot of customers in the USA.

Before he came back though, there was the question of the second girl they were looking for. Mia was 14 – so she was somewhat mature enough to realize that she was being done wrong after Elliot and the Euro police talked to her.

But the other girl. The other girl couldn't have been more than 8 years old. And they still had no idea where she was. Fortunately, they did have a lead, a slim one, but nevertheless a lead on who might know where the other girl was. They knew her name – just her first name though. Amy. The perp that took Mia had a website set up just for her where pedophiles could visit and enjoy Amy. It was really sick. But like I said they also had a lead on the sicko. A slim one but nevertheless it was better than nothing. Their lead was nothing but a screen name – nick2shy – I will never forget that screen name – and when they raided Tassig's – I just remembered, that was the name of the scumbag who had Mia – place and his computers they were able to get an address for nick2shy. His real name was Nicholas Taylor and he lived in New York.

So long story short, Elliot went back stateside and not even bothering to go home, he got the caravan and went straight to the address they had retrieved from Tassig's records.

When they got there, Elliot was expecting the worst. But I guess sometimes even with all the bad, good things can still come. And it did this time. When they got to the address, Elliot's knock was answered by Amy. She was okay – well at least as okay as she can be. From the website that they saw about her, they knew that she had been abused by Nicholas Taylor since she was three. Can you imagine that, Liz? When she was only three years old she was already being raped. What kind of damaged evil mind could even begin to think that was okay? I mean having sex with a girl who could barely speak let alone comprehend anything.

Anyway, they had gone to the house of Taylor at night and the bastard was asleep when they got there. Sam Bishop was with him then and while Sam took take care of Amy, Elliot had gone upstairs to the sicko's bedroom and found him asleep.

Elliot told me after that he had almost blown the guy's head off. He had actually put the gun to his head and I'm sure he had to rein himself in to not just do it. But he didn't. Elliot's Catholic and he would never kill anyone intentionally even if the guy was scum of the earth. And so he did the next best thing and woke up the guy by hitting him. Elliot told me that he was breathing hard and shaking as Nicholas Taylor raised his hands in surrender and asked him where his "daughter" was. Elliot was so mad at the fact that he had called Amy his daughter.

They dragged him to the precinct where he had lawyered up at once. With his attorney present, Sam and Elliot interrogated him. And you can imagine the sick feeling Elliot got when the guy started saying that his feelings for children were natural. It was all Elliot could do from not killing him again.

After that, he drank with Sam and then he went home to his children. The captain gave him the next week off and had explained to me what happened. I understood and didn't question his absence.

However at the end of the third day of his forced vacation, he called me. He asked me if he could come over after my shift. Till now I can hear the pain in his voice then. I knew what would happen if I let him come over. And in a way, I was almost glad he needed me again. I know. It's wrong. But there you go. Like I told you earlier, I had already been looking for a reason. And finally the reason arrived. So, I told him, yes.

He had the keys to my apartment and by the time I went off duty and came home, he was already there, waiting for me.

He had brought a bottle of scotch and I could tell he had had more than one glass by the time I came home.

I didn't say a word as I entered. I didn't even ask him how he was or what happened or anything. I simply went to where he was seated on my couch and embraced him.

Elliot clung to me like he was holding on for dear life. I could swear, Liz that he was shaking. For a while I just held him. Then he pulled away from me and I saw his red eyes.

"El.."

"Liv, he abused her since he was 3! She was just a baby and he was having sex with her!" Elliot's voice was choked. He could barely speak.

It brought me back to that first year when he was so wrought over that girl who was a sex slave, who was trapped literally in box under that posh couple's bed. But I could see that this case got to him more.

It got to him because it was an 8 year old girl. She was just a child. A child who couldn't understand what was happening to her. A child who trusted her so-called father and therefore didn't fight.

Elliot tried to hold back his tears and he grabbed his glass again and drank the whole thing straight.

He was about to pour himself another one. But I wouldn't let him. I grabbed the glass out of his hands, placed it on the table and then I made him face me. I cupped his face in my hands and my eyes gazed into his tear-stained blue ones and I implored him, "El, I'm here. I'm here, tell me what can I do? How can I help you through this?"

He didn't say a word. All I knew was that the next moment, he had lifted my arms over my head and he was peeling off my shirt.

"Liv…" He spoke again, his voice soft and hoarse, his hands going to the front of my chest, unhooking my bra, "can I stay with you? Tonight? Will you love me tonight, please?"

I swear my heart was breaking for him then. I couldn't speak because I knew if I did I would start crying too. So I simply nodded.

He stood up and extended his hand to me which I glad accepted. I know it was my place and my bedroom but right then, that didn't matter. And I let him take the lead. He led me to my bedroom.

There, he finished undressing me until I was completely naked in front of him. He never took his eyes off of me as he undressed too.

It's funny but with other men I always felt completely exposed and vulnerable when I'm finally naked with them. Almost always I insist on turning off the lights or at least dimming them before we had sex. But it was so different with Elliot. Even during that first night before we knew each other's real names, it was different.

I did still feel vulnerable with him but never exposed or scared. In fact if anything I loved the fact that I could be vulnerable with him and still feel safe.

One moment we were standing and the next moment we were in my bed. Whereas the last time we did this, we had been almost violent, at least that first day, this time Elliot was very gentle with me. In fact his tenderness, the gentleness in the way he was making love to me then, made me scared for the first time. It wasn't that I didn't feel safe with him. I ALWAYS felt safe with Elliot. But after months of pushing the thought back and ignoring it, the night it came rushing back. **I was in love with him**. And I wanted him so much. Whereas I only had physical bruises the last time, I felt this time it was my heart that would be battered.

Maybe I should have stopped it but God help me, I didn't. I let him continue.

I still remember the way his mouth captured mine in a slow languid kiss before tearing it away to trail kisses down my neck until he reached my breasts. Even the way he kissed and licked and sucked my breasts were gentle and soft. And it only made me want him more.

His hands had been pinning my arms over my head but suddenly he released them. His hands started making their way down my body. I was writhing from under him and I remember whimpering and moaning loudly. God, he knew how to make me feel good.

One hand found its way between my legs and I heard him gasp as it reached its destination finding it soaking. He cupped my mound with his hand before letting a finger graze my wet slit. He gave a low guttural moan as he felt his finger slip inside. I was that wet. I wanted him so badly. But this was for him. So I let him take the lead and I ignored the growing ache for the meantime.

Elliot always could read my body well and even though I was willing to let him take his time, he also knew what I wanted and he gave it to me. The next thing I knew he was inside me and he was thrusting in and out of me oh so slowly and deliberately. I was going a little bit nuts from pleasure from under him.

I closed my eyes, unable to help myself. He felt so good inside me. He wasn't a small man by any means at all and when he was inside me, it was always a tight fit. And that feeling of snugness always made me even more aroused and even more wet.

"Open your eyes, Liv," I heard him ask.

It took all of my willpower but I obeyed him. The moment I opened my eyes and met his blue eyed gaze was the start of his undoing and mine.

He started to thrust in and out of me faster and I could hear sounds from both us – sounds that neither of us could identify even though we knew it was us making them. He pinned my arms over my head once again and then bent down to kiss me, continuing to pummel me until finally together we reached our nirvanas. We didn't stop kissing as we both came undone, the cries we would have made swallowed by our kisses.

When we came down from our highs, Elliot pulled out of me and I could feel wetness – his semen and my juices - between my inner thighs. For a moment fear gripped me again as I realized that once more we did not use protection. And I knew Elliot was a fertile man. He had 4 children after all. But then I put it out of my head. I didn't want to think about that right then. Back then it was easier to just push everything to that back of my head. It was easier to not ponder on it. It was easier not to think about it. To make excuses.

Elliot pulled me close to him, spooning me and wrapping his arms around me. I remember a chill going through me and he felt it. "Cold?" He asked from behind me.

I twisted my head to look at him, smiling while shaking my head no. "Okay," he consented, accepting my answer.

For the next few minutes we just laid there like that. Then he gently turned me around to face him. The pain was less now on his face and immediately I felt better for him too.

"Thank you," he told me, reaching out with his fingers, tracing my lips with them.

"For what?"

"For being here for me."

"I will always be here for you, El." I promised him and I knew in my heart that it was a promise that I'd be keeping for the rest of my life no matter what.

"Liv, I swear I could have killed him."

"Sssh, El. You got the bad guy. It's okay. She's okay now."

"You think so?"

I sighed then and once more I had to be honest. "I hope so, El. I know the horrors she' went through – but we can only hope for the best. At least she's safe now."

"Thank God for little favors, huh?"

I heard the bitterness in his voice and this time it was me who reached out and touched his lips. "El…"

But before I could even go on and complete my thought, Elliot's lips were on mine again. And once more he was kissing me. Oh God, kissing Elliot Stabler was a completely out of this world experience and one I would repeat over and over again. Even now, 13 years later I dream of his kisses.

We didn't talk anymore after that. We couldn't because Elliot started to make love to me again. And once again we drove each other to the edge. That night was different. I know I've said that before but it's always different each time with him. I think it was almost like we couldn't stop loving each other that night. I knew what he needed and what he needed was to feel love that night in order to erase what he had witnessed. And each time we came up for air or stopped, he would recall the terrible tragedy of it and he needed to feel love again. We must have made love 4 times that night. I never said no. I never told him enough. I never told him each time we did, my heart was just a little more in danger than the last time.

We finally fell asleep close to dawn. By the time I had to wake up for my 1 pm shift, I was still exhausted. Elliot stirred too when I woke up.

I started to get out of bed but then he pulled me down and almost hungrily, kissed me again. I really thought he wanted to make love again and I'm pretty sure he did, but something stopped him. I could see it in his face.

I wanted to ask him why he stopped and at the same time I didn't want to ask him. And I didn't. I think I thought if I asked why, he might have given me an answer I wasn't ready for.

So we got up, had breakfast together. As I got ready for my day, he left but not before giving one more kiss before he did. And that was it. "Till next year, El." I thought as I closed the door after him.

Or so I thought. That year was the year we realized that maybe we wouldn't be able to keep our original promise of doing it once a year. Because that year, it happened a second time.

"A second time?" Liz asked, surprised. "How did that happen, Olivia?"

Well, El and I had this case – it was towards the end of our fourth year actually. We had caught this rapist and the case wasn't going well. I mean, we knew it was him, but even though he went pro se in court, he was good and he was able to poke holes into our cases.

When it seemed that he was about to get acquitted and get away scot-free, I couldn't take it. I drove all the way to Glen Oaks to see Elliot. It was our night off and he had told me that Kathy had taken the kids somewhere.

When I got there, the house was empty but I waited around. I didn't even care if Kathy found me there waiting for Elliot. I needed to see my partner. I was so distraught over the fact that Michael Gardner was about to get off. Despite a restraining order, he found ways to be in their vicinity that were perfectly plausible. He was torturing them, letting them relive his attacks by making them see him and there was nothing to be done. It drove me crazy.

When Elliot came home, he found me there and he talked to me. The entire conversation we had is now a blur, it was so many years ago. But one thing he told me stood out. He told me that the difference between and Michael's victims was the fact that I could walk away.

But I was never the type of person to walk away. At least not from people I cared about. I walked away from my feelings. But never from people I cared about. It's what makes me a good cop. But it's also my downfall because there are times that I get too involved. Elliot knew that and he knew that was one of those times.

When he said that, I remember responding to him and saying to him, "No, I can't." Then feeling sad and still out of sorts but knowing that there wasn't really any comfort to be had, I left.

And that was that, I thought. I had gone to Elliot's at about 8 pm. Glen Oaks was quite the distance from the Upper West Side so by the time I got home it was past 9 pm.

It was almost midnight when suddenly a knock came through my door. Even before I looked I knew it was Elliot. He had come after me. He had been worried about me.

I let him in.

And I don't think I need to elaborate anymore on what happened next.

Yes, the moment he walked in that door we were kissing once more. And yes once more he stayed the night. And again we made love over and over again. And once again, it was almost dawn by the time we finished.

When we woke up the next day, we didn't talk about how we had broken our agreement. It hadn't been long since our last time. Not even three months probably. Definitely NOT a year. But there you have it, our agreement was now broken. But still, we didn't talk about what it meant. All I knew was that by the time Elliot walked out of my apartment just before noon the next day, I surrendered. To what did I surrender to? At that point, I was not ready to say.

And I guess that's it for the fourth year. When we saw each other again at work, it was as if nothing had happened. We were getting so good at switching to being just partners. And we were for all intents and purposes. Or at least we good at pretending to be just that. Because deep down, whatever we may have been feeling we still could not take the road less taken. For now, we couldn't stray from the easier path.

. . .

_The CD ended and Elliot rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted. He needed to sleep. He needed to figure everything out. _

_For some reason, alarm bells were now ringing in his mind. At one time he had always sensed it when Olivia needed him. And right now, his mind and his heart were both shouting that she needed him now too. She needed him and someone wanted to tell him that. And whoever sent him the CDs - they wanted him to know everything. He had a feeling that whatever was causing this sense in him right now, he knew that to listen to all the CDs could only do good for them. _

_But they would have to wait again till tomorrow. He was getting a bit tipsy and he was tired. He finally surrendered to his exhaustion and went to bed. His last thought before he slept was, "Liv, I'm sorry. Please be okay."_

. . .

To be continued..

_**The fifth year coming up! What happens to Olivia and Elliot when they think Alex Cabot died? **_

_**In the meantime, please do read and review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista **_

_**Thanks for reading.**_


	6. The Fifth Year

The Fifth Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine, they are Dick Wolf's!**_

_**Sometimes, the place where it all began is the same place you end up in….**_

_**. . .**_

_Elliot's phone beeping a message woke him up several hours later. He looked at it and saw that the message was from a blocked number. _

_He opened it and his jaw dropped, sleep quickly leaving him as he read the test message._

_**Did you get the CDs? I hope you're listening to them, Elliot.**_

_Quickly he typed back. __**Who is this?**_

_A reply came back just as swift. __**That doesn't matter right now. But Elliot you need to finish listening to those CDs soon. You need to know everything. Olivia needs you to know everything right now.**_

_**Why? **_ He quickly replied.

_Another fast answer. __**You'll find that out shortly. I promise I'll be in touch. But it's important that before you see her that you need to know how she feels completely.**_

_**Is she okay? And why?**_

_**Let's just say after 13 fucking years, it's about time to be honest, don't you think? I'll be in touch, Stabler. And by the way, don't bother using your connections to try and trace this. It's a burn phone. **_

_**Who is this?**_

_**Just listen to them quickly Elliot. Will another 2 days be enough?**_

_**I'm about to listen to the fifth one. Who is this? Is Olivia okay?**_

_**You've only finished 4? Hurry up Elliot. **_

_**Is she okay?**_

_**Just hurry up. Enough for now. I'll be in touch later. **_

_It wasn't lost on Elliot that whoever was texting him had not answered his question if Olivia was okay. He texted one more time._

_**Please, is she okay?**_

_But unfortunately, there was no more reply. _

_A bit panicked, Elliot dialed Olivia's cell phone number. But once more it just went to voicemail. But this time, he left a message._

"_**Liv, it's El. I know you must hate me. But please as soon as you get this can you just call me back. Thanks. Take care. "**_

_He was about to hang up and but he then he hastily spoke again. __**"Liv – for what it's worth, I miss you. VERY…"**_

_He heard the voicemail recording cut him off then and he finally hung up, sending the message. _

_He looked at his phone once more and re-read all the text messages he just got. He wondered if this wasn't some sort of sick joke. But his gut was telling him they were for real. His heart began to pound fast once more. Over and over he felt he had to get through this fast and find her. _

_He quickly got out of bed right then, grabbed his laptop and the CD's from his dining table. Forgetting all about breakfast, he went back his bedroom and popped in the next cd and started listening again. _

. . .

"Hi, Olivia. You ready to go?" Dr. Olivet asked.

Ready as I'll ever like every other time.

"Good, let's get started. I believe that we've come into the fifth year of your partnership with Elliot. Of course, we don't have to talk about him. You know we can talk about anything you think will help you be a better you."

I know, Liz. But…with me for the last 12 years one way or another it's always been about Elliot.

"I understand. But before you tell me about your fifth year with him, I'd like to ask you a question."

Sure. What is it?

"Did Elliot's wife ever find about the two of you? Or at least suspected the two of you?"

. . .

_Elliot barely heard Olivia's response. His mind travelled to the years he spent with Kathy. Ever since Olivia became his partner in 1999, she had always been suspicious of their relationship. She resented that they were close. She resented that he could talk to Olivia about things he couldn't talk about with her. He kept trying to explain that most of their talk was centered on their cases and he didn't want to bring that home with him. But that didn't make her stop. _

_But of course in reality, Kathy had a reason to be suspicious. She thought he and Olivia were having an affair. Elliot didn't see their agreement as an affair, but…then again even once a year was wrong. He was married. Kathy should have been the only one. But she wasn't. And ever since that night when he thought her name was Grace and not Olivia, Kathy had no longer been the only woman in his life. _

_A car horn blasted from outside his window, interrupting his reverie. All of a sudden, Elliot realized he had not heard a word of what Olivia was saying on the CD so he stopped it and backtracked until he got to where he had lost track. _

. . .

You're joking right, Liz? Of course Kathy was suspicious. She's been suspicious of me from the first day Elliot and I became partners. It's amazing to me how she never really found out or caught us. Or maybe she did and he never told me. Who knows? But I'd like to think I know – knew Elliot. I think if she did find out, he would have told me. At least again, I'd like to think so. God, we lied to her so many times. _**HE** _lied to her so many times. But there you go. However we managed that feat, we did.

There were many horrendous cases that we had to deal with in the fifth year of our partnership. But I guess after facing so many by this time, there is really just one that stands out from that year.

. . .

_He knew then what Olivia was going to tell Olivet. She was going to tell her about their time together after Alex Cabot was shot and they thought her to be dead. _

. . .

Our fifth year – that fifth year – it hadn't even been 6 months since we had a second time the previous year.

But I guess I told myself it was okay. We had a pass – hell, why do I even kid myself, with our job, we always had a pass. We always had a justification. We always had a reason.

But this time, it wasn't just a victim getting to us because of what he or she had to endure. This time it was personal.

Alex Cabot – do you know her? I'm not sure if you ever met her but I'm sure you've heard of her. She was the ADA that handled all our SVU cases back then. If it was a Special Victims case, then you could count that she was the prosecuting ADA.

Anyway, Alex and I had become friends over the years and that friendship really helped us through our cases. She was smart, level headed and gutsy. That was – is Alex Cabot.

So one morning, Elliot and I were called to the scene of body that was dumped by an alley just off of Central Park. The victim was actually uncovered by a dog – she was naked and wearing only a fur coat. Aside from being raped, her tongue had been cut off.

So just like any other case, Elliot and I worked it. Later on, Melinda – the ME called us in and she told us that according to the tox screen, the victim had a large amount of coke in her system. She also did the usual combing of the victim's clothes for any forensic evidence and found that the fur coat that covered her when she was found was also soaked in cocaine.

So basically Elliot and I now knew that this was probably drug related. As we continued to work the case, Elliot and I found that the victim had not existed till a couple of years ago. Meaning, her social security was newly issued from two years ago, no records under her name existed until two years ago. So we began to think she was an illegal alien. But then we realized that we were being followed. Elliot and I saw a sedan with two men watching us. If she had been an illegal alien who was a mule of some sort, we knew that we would never been followed. So she had to be something else.

Elliot and tried to do a surprise attack to try and confront the men in the sedan but as soon as we started running they knew they had been made and fled. It was only when our investigation led us to the victim's storage unit in Queens that we found ourselves face to face with the men following us. It turned out they were DEA agents and our victim was an undercover cop. And with that it suddenly became clear why all her identification only existed from two years ago onwards. With that revelation, we became more determined than ever to bring her rapist/killer to justice. After all, we were all brothers and sisters in blue.

One of the agents who tailed us was the handler of Livia Taez or as Livia Sandoval which was her real name. I'm not hesitating to say her name because she's already dead. But the identifying details from this point on, I won't tell you Liz. The less you know the better. These people are dangerous. And though per last information all involved have been brought to justice, let me just exercise this caution.

Anyway, Alex was prosecuting the case and even though she has a lot of cases under her belt – she had never been involved in a case like this. As the DEA was knee deep in this one, I'm sure you can imagine what line of business the people in question were involved in. Anyway, when we finally made an arrest – we believed the guy we collared was the one responsible for Sandoval's rape and murder and Alex went after him tenaciously. Alex was always that way. She always spoke for the victims.

Unfortunately as she was talking to him and his lawyer one day, he said something that pissed her off and she verbally retaliated. And that was all it took. He almost attacked her in the DA's office and then the next thing we knew the DEA Agent – his name was Donovan – again I can tell you his name because he is also dead – and we'll get to the how later – who had been Sandoval's handler had received a credible threat pertaining to Alex.

So, he came to her at once and we happen to be there when he did. At first Alex didn't believe him but he knew Alex was likely not to believe him so he had brought proof of the threat in a form of a taped conversation and we listened to it. With the proof right there, Alex believed it last. We secured her that night – Elliot and I made sure that when she left the DA's office we were with her. I asked her to stay with me but she wouldn't. She was determined not to be scared off the case.

Just before Agent Donovan left, he promised her that the situation was handled. That she had nothing to worry about. He had refused to come forward and testify against the thug whose name I cannot mention. But I think Alex got to Donovan. And before he left he said that if the situation turned for the worse and it wasn't handled, he'd come forward. I don't know if Alex believed him, but I guess he thought she did because I honestly don't think he would have left until he had somehow reassured Alex and made her feel safe. As he walked to his car, leaving Alex in our care, Elliot spoke about how we were going to do a drive by Alex's area first before letting her out. We were so wrapped up on what we were going to do that the moment Agent Donovan walked away, we didn't really pay attention to him at all. I remember a vague sound of a car door closing – Donovan getting into his car. And then boom! There was a loud explosion. Agent Donovan's car had exploded and he was dead. No way could anyone survive that explosion.

I guess if the danger hadn't sank in before, it did now. That was when it hit home for Alex. That's the moment she truly finally believed she was in danger. If they could kill a skilled DEA agent, what more a mere ADA. She was definitely in danger. There was no question about that anymore.

When the partner of Donovan reached the crime scene, he was seething and Elliot and I had to calm him down and get him away from Alex. He blamed Alex for the death of Donovan. And Donovan had two kids who were now without a father. I actually think he might have punched Alex if Elliot and I didn't get in between them.

At that time, the DA was Arthur Branch. After what happened to Agent Donovan, he called Alex into his office and told her to drop the charges against the guy who was responsible for the rape of Sandoval and to let the Feds handle him. When Alex protested that he could not give in to such tactics from a criminal, Branch wore her down by telling her that too many people had died already. And since the Feds had a better case than they did, he told Alex, it was the best thing to do. Still, Alex didn't want to. She was determined to see this case through. She was angry and scared. No one made her this scared and this angry and got away with it. She wanted the bastard responsible to pay. But Arthur Branch overruled her. He told her that she was to drop the case. And that was it. So as much as she was against it, Alex reluctantly did as she was told. Fortunately, there was light at the end of the tunnel. The moment the judged dismissed the charges, the US marshals took over and arrested him. I remember Alex telling me later on that the guy had given her the dirtiest look as he was led away by the marshals.

Since the case was dismissed, everyone believed that there was no longer a threat on Alex's life. Boy were we wrong. We had gone to celebrate the fact that the case was no longer in our hands – we were all there – Alex, me, Elliot, Munch, Fin and even the Captain. We had all gone out drinking in this bar near the precinct. It wasn't our usual haunt, but we wanted a quieter place because truthfully none of us felt like celebrating. We may have quashed the threat on Alex's life but we still not had gotten justice for Sandoval. Just before we left the Captain told us that the guy had struck a deal with the Feds – witness protection in exchange for testimony against the highest guy up in the food chain.

Anyway, after that so called celebration, Elliot, Alex and I left together. Alex was apologizing to us for being such a buzzkill. We waved her concerns away. We understood. Our jobs on a normal day already took a lot out of us. What more the last couple of days? Elliot offered to get her a cab but Alex, believing she was no longer in danger said she'd walk. All of us believed that and so our guards were down when we left the bar.

Like I said, boy, were we ever fucking wrong. We had only gone a few steps down the street, when shots rang out. First one, then another, then another. Elliot went for me instantly, pushing me to the ground, covering me. We both glanced up and we saw a black SUV careening out of sight. Elliot immediately got up and raced after the SUV fearlessly. I stayed on the ground, looking apprehensively at Elliot in pursuit, when suddenly I remembered Alex. I immediately looked behind me and to my horror, there she was on the ground, blood pooling from under her from a gunshot wound.

I immediately cried out for help and everything after that was a blur. I remember Elliot running back to us, the same look of horror on his face that I'm sure I had in mine. I remember pressing on Alex's wound, blabbing to her – trying to make sure she didn't fade away and die.

After that, I don't remember much. I remember the ambulance coming. I remember the Captain coming. I remember going to Bellevue with Alex and Elliot. But that was it.

The next I remember fully after that was Elliot and me in my apartment. I knew that Cragen had sent us home. There were three shots that rang out, not one. So it meant that Elliot and I were supposed to have been shot too. At least that what Cragen believed.

Elliot didn't want to go home. He didn't want to lead whoever the shooters were to his house. Before we left the hospital, he told me he had called Kathy and told her to take the kids to Long Island at her mother's place first until everything blew over.

As for him, he couldn't go home not until they had left and again he didn't want to go home. Not if someone was following us and he'd just be leading them there. Instead, he wanted to stay with me because I lived alone. In fact, he INSISTED in staying with me. At first, I told him no. But I could see that he wasn't going to take no for an answer so not having in it in me to fight after what happened, I simply conceded to his request.

And there we were finally in my apartment. Once more we needed each other. We were there for each other. The way we have been for the past 4 years. AGAIN.

Alarm bells were ringing in my head as Elliot led to me to my bedroom and put his arms around me. I started to cry hard as he held me. Alex was in surgery and I didn't know if our friend was going to make it or not. I didn't know if our lives were still in danger. Captain Cragen had wanted to put a protective detail on us, but we both refused. We told him we'd stay together. And we'd keep each other safe. I knew he probably wondered what we meant by that. And he probably wondered where we'd stay. But he was so distraught that he didn't ask any questions. He just made us promise that should we even suspect anything was off, we'd call the station right away. And so we did.

Elliot was crying too as he held me. He had not been as close to Alex as I had been but he still considered her a good friend. And therefore what happened was also hitting him hard.

That night, miraculously, Elliot and I didn't have sex. We actually just fell asleep, fully clothed in each other's arms, exhausted from the day's harrowing events.

We woke up a few hours later, our phones buzzing with a message. It was Cragen asking us both to call him. Wordlessly we both decided to just make one phone call. After all, we had told him that we'd stay together. And if he found out that either of us were alone, a protective detail may be next.

Elliot made the call because I didn't feel capable of it. But before Elliot even made the call, I knew that he had bad news. Elliot had stood up as he made the phone call and when he got the captain on the line, he turned away from me rendering me unable to see his expression.

It wasn't a long conversation. And Elliot barely said anything except for okay, uh huh and when. That was it. His last statement to Cragen was, "I'll tell her. Bye."

When he hung up, he turned around towards me and I saw tears in his eyes. And my heart stopped. I knew.

"Is she….?" My voice trailed off. I was unable to say the dreaded words.

"She's gone, Liv." Elliot voiced it out for me, confirming my worst fears.

After all the tears I had shed earlier, I didn't think I was capable of crying again. But I was wrong. I broke down again. I sobbed hard and Elliot started crying again too. I think both of us couldn't believe it. Alex was gone. She was lost to us forever.

We both let all our emotions out then. I was completely spent after I finally finished crying. And I think so was he.

Elliot and I lay silent in my bed for a few minutes, our arms still around each other. Then Elliot finally spoke up, "Liv?"

I turned to him but didn't speak, still unable to do so.

"I keep thinking what if that was you? And…"

His voice trailed off and he was unable to continue. I saw a tear slide down his cheek again. I knew what he was thinking, I had been thinking the same thing.

And so I did the only thing I could do. I captured his mouth in mine and I began to kiss him. I began to kiss him deeply but gently.

And once more, just like a few months ago, we were shedding our clothes until we were both naked in each other's arms.

We were exhausted – emotionally spent – and at first even as we moved closer to each other, wrapping our arms around each other completely, I really thought we didn't have anything left to give each other. Nothing left at that moment to comfort each other with.

But I was wrong, because the second Elliot's arms were around me, I melted into them and I found myself molding my body into his. And after that, I was on top of him and he was inside me.

I suddenly forgot about being tired or sad or devastated. All I could think of right then was how he felt so good inside me. His hands were on my ass and his lips were on breasts, sucking and licking, making me feel so good, sending shocks of pleasure down to my core.

I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter as I rode Elliot. Like before, being with him was an out of this world experience. The only difference this time from the others? We were dead silent. Yes there were some heavy breathing and soft moan here and there but all in all we were silent.

I think in that respect we were too emotionally spent. But it didn't lessen our experience. If anything our silence, made us pay attention to each other more. We were able to feel more and want more and crave more. Our energies were not let out through cries or exclamations instead they were let out by our motions and actions. Every movement I made was more intense because the emotion behind it was bottled up, not let out. Each stroke, each lick, each suck was so much more.

I think that was the first time we made love that I wanted so much to tell him how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. But I knew if I said that, the moment I said that I would change everything between us in that second. And I wasn't ready. I didn't think I'd ever be ready. And then it hit me, what I was thinking what I was wanting to say and a cold fear seized me for a second. Thankfully the pleasure I was getting was too good for me to concentrate on my thoughts and on my fear. It didn't take long before I forgot all about it.

But my reprieve was temporary. The next minute, Elliot broke the silence by speaking at last, tearing his mouth from my breasts. He removed his hands from my ass and cupped my face in them and told me in the softest of voices, "Liv, you know…that I…"

His voice faltered but his gaze never wavered. I saw him swallow hard and I stopped riding him. I felt my breath hitch and my heart start to pound crazily as I waited for him to continue. If he continued. I didn't think he would actually. But he did. I held my breath more. "Liv, God Liv…you mean the world to me, you know that? And…and…I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I'm sorry about Alex but I can't help it, baby, I'm glad it wasn't you."

I gasped then and tears stung my eyes once more. I wanted to say something back. I wanted to tell him so much how I felt right then. But I couldn't. So instead, I just kissed him once more, my open mouth almost devouring his, my tongue plunging inside. It was an urgent and hot kiss that he responded to with the same intensity. I started riding his cock hard once more.

I wanted him to feel what I wanted to say but couldn't say. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. And I wanted him to know how I felt even without words. I wanted him to know all that through my body and its actions.

His arms went around me once more as I went up and down his cock. I rode him hard but slow. I wanted him to feel every emotion pouring out of my body. The aching desire we both felt got worse and finally I had to tear my mouth away from his.

His eyes flew open and he stared back at me as my movements became more frenzied. His cock sliding in and out of me was pure heaven and pure pleasure. I bit my lip hard and I held his face, cupping it in my hands. I could feel my orgasm start to build and I felt his cock twitch inside me and I knew he was close too.

He couldn't take it and he groaned. Loudly. His hands gripped my ass once more. His grip was iron clad and I knew again that it would leave marks but I didn't care. My hands flew to his back as our lovemaking became more furious. We never looked away from each other. He barely flinched as my nails started to claw and scratch down his back. It wasn't a light scratch either, I knew that I would leave marks but it didn't matter to us then.

Elliot started to guide my movements and he met my every downward thrust with an upward one of his own. He was so deep in me and his cock so hard and big and thick – I was so full of him. God, he felt so good inside me. I loved him being inside me.

It was like suddenly our emotions came spilling out of our bodies and we literally could not get close enough to each other. He couldn't be deep enough inside me. We wanted to be closer, deeper. Our arms closed around each other. He let go of my ass one more time and he locked his arms around my waist while I tore my hands away from his back slid them under his arms and locked them on his shoulders.

We were breathing hard, but despite the intensity there was curious lack of cries from us. The fires of our lust and craving for each other burned bright within us but still we didn't let go.

I threw my head back but then that meant tearing my gaze away from him and he didn't like that. So he spoke up and demanded, "Liv, look at me."

I heard him – that tone of command and obeyed at once. And when I did that and I saw all that he felt in those blue eyes of his is. That was my undoing. His blue eyes were so dark with want and something I couldn't define and whatever it was that I saw drove me to nirvana. I shattered then. I started to tremble and I could feel my pussy start to pulsate. I could no longer stay silent and my mouth flew open and an unidentifiable cry emerged from my throat. My orgasm overwhelmed me, coming in strong crashing waves. My eyes closed momentarily but then I felt Elliot shatter too. Suddenly he was thrusting upward and his cock started to twitch and spurt out his seed inside me. He held me down as he thrust upward, filling me with his seed, trying to get as deep into me as possible. Then all at once he let out an almost feral sound and our cries mingled with each other as our orgasms took control of our bodies.

After we were done, we collapsed on my bed, sweaty, breathing hard and completely spent. As I lay on top of him, Elliot gently brushed my hair which was longer by now, but still short while he looked at me. I thought he was going to say something. But he didn't. Instead he just stroked my hair and he kissed my forehead.

After that, we drifted to sleep again.

When we woke up a few more hours later, we both felt a little better. My room reeked of sex though. We cuddled for a bit, still exhausted but then a few minutes later, Elliot got up and grabbed his phone. He saw that he had a message from Kathy and signaling me be quiet, he called her. They didn't speak long. I could hear Elliot telling her how Alex was gone. I didn't want to cry again so I simply got my phone and walked out to living room.

I saw that I had messages too. I saw that Captain Cragen had messaged me saying that Elliot and I could take the day off but he wanted us back the next day. He also left explicit instructions that Elliot and I were not to go to work unescorted. Like it or not, when we went to work the next day, we would have a protective detail.

When Elliot got done with his phone call, he walked out of my room still naked.

We stared at each other, smiling somewhat shyly, as if unsure what to do next. But even then something kept drawing us back to each other. And somehow even though it was wrong, even though I probably deserved more than being a part time lover to a man who was already taken, I settled.

I lied to myself again and I justified falling into his arms once more. I justified that what happened to Alex was a reason to do this. To need this. To need him. To need each other. And once I had it justified in my head, I was making love to him again.

The protective detail had to get us from my place the next day. Though I'm sure he wondered, the Captain never questioned why Elliot was there with me. He never even went home. He told himself it was because he wanted to protect his family from any leftover criminals who might harm them.

But we both knew better. I knew I loved him then even though I dared not articulate it even to myself. As for Elliot, I didn't even want to consider that he loved me. And so I just told myself, he needed me and wanted me. And if that meant letting him use me for sex once a year, because it was so mindblowing and because it allowed us to survive our jobs then so be it. I was his yearly sin and his penance was our job. And it was mine too.

Three days later, homicide was no closer to finding a suspect in the death of Alex and that fact was splashed all over the newspapers. The squad room had taken an even more somber atmosphere if that was possible since the shooting and the newspaper headline that day and the fact that Alex's funeral was the next day, made it even worse.

Before our night ended, Cragen told Elliot and I to meet Donovan's former partner that night before we went home so that we can close out that case. The case that got Alex murdered. Our protective detail was gone. That's because the guy who was going to turn on the drug bigwig was murdered in jail and he was again safe and thus so were we. Cragen gave us the address where to meet the agent and once we were done with our DD5s we left.

Elliot made a comment about how convenient the place was because honestly it was very isolated. The agent said something about "this one is a pain in the butt – wouldn't take no for an answer."

We were puzzled admittedly. But then our confusion gave way to clarity and momentary happiness. As we were led to the black SUV parked nearby, Alex Cabot suddenly got out.

I started to tear up. And Elliot realized that she was being put in witness protection. I asked her how long but before she could even answer I already knew. It was an indefinite time. Until the head of the cartel was captured, Alex had to be dead for now and disappear into witness protection.

Our goodbyes were brief. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. In a way I was happy. But I was also sad. My friend was alive but right now she couldn't be part of our lives. But what's important was she was alive.

Elliot and I stayed put until the entire caravan of her escorts had pulled away and out of sight. Then without saying anything, we reached for each other at the same time, our hands clasped together as we walked back to the car.

"Did you sleep together again?" Dr. Olivet asked, unable to herself.

Yes, we did.

"Why?"

I don't know. To feel better I guess.

"Again?"

Yes again. Yes, Alex was alive but she was still gone. And I guess we wanted, needed to make sure that each other's presence wasn't a dream. That we were both here and real. And yes, I know that's bullshit. In truth, in hindsight, we just wanted another reason to sleep with each other. But at that time, it's what we needed each other to believe and we did.

That was the 5th year – and it was only the start of it. But I think by then we realized we were getting in way too deep and for the rest of the year, no matter how hard the case was. No matter how each of us may have been tempted, we stayed away.

But then the 6th year came and that year was truly a test. You see, Liz, the 6th year was when Kathy left Elliot.

But our time is gone and that's for another day.

. . .

_When 5__th__ CD finished, Elliot sighed. He could still remember everything Olivia had just narrated vividly. He also remembered what he wanted to say. But he chickened out last minute and till today, more than 8 years later, he still hadn't been able to tell her what he wanted so badly to tell her that day. _

_He buried his head in his hands, groaning a bit. She deserved to be happy. She deserved so much more than he ever gave her. _

_He sighed. He looked at the clock and realized it was almost 11 am and he had had nothing to eat yet. And so, promising himself to continue after a bagel run, he left his apartment. _

_A short time later, Elliot came back, got the 6__th__ CD, popped the cd in his laptop, settled in and got ready to listen once more. _

. . .

**TBC….**

_**Whew! That was an intense one. And it doesn't get easier or smoother from here. The next year brings a lot of changes in Elliot's family life. How does it affect his situation with Olivia? Does it affect it all? **_

_**Find out next! In the meantime, please do review, here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	7. The Sixth Year

The Sixth Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**Apologies in advance for any spelling or grammar errors. Please do point them out if you see any. Unfortunately I am beta-less so this is all me. Thanks and please enjoy! **_

_**Sometimes, even when we want to stay away, we can't….**_

. . .

The way I found out that Kathy had left Elliot was not the greatest. With that kind of news, there really isn't any great way to find out about it. But to find out about it from the lawyer of Myra Denning was more than a shock, it was a travesty. But I was only shocked momentarily. What hit me more was the hurt I felt afterwards.

Yes, I know that sounds really selfish. But it didn't matter to me what was going on between me and Elliot for all of those years, at the end of the day, it hit me badly because he didn't confide in me. I was his best friend, or at least I believed myself to be his best friend and he didn't confide in me.

Rationally I knew too, that his inability to confide in me may have to do with our agreement – after all I could see him getting scared that I may think more of it now that he was separated. But then I brushed that aside. The reason that agreement existed was because we needed to be with someone who understood all that we went through in our jobs. Yes it was about caring for the other person but it wasn't about being in love. It wasn't about having an affair. It wasn't about seeing if a relationship could come out of it. It was simply an outlet for all the horrors we see each and every day.

I know you're probably wondering why I say it's just that. After all I've already told you that I knew I loved him then. But that didn't come into the equation. At least not the one I had in my head. He didn't know how I felt, so why even go there? Plus I still had to actually admit the fact to myself out loud. I always thought it you see, but I never spoke it. Not even to myself. And to me, until I said the words, even if it was just to my image in a mirror, it wasn't real. It was just a thought, nothing concrete, nothing else. Well, at least, that's what I told myself.

Anyway, I was really angry at him for not confiding in me and I remember running after him after we were told. Myra's lawyer, before dropping her bombshell had told us that Myra was accusing Elliot of touching her inappropriately, of making a sexual advance on her as he brought her up to her 5th floor walk up apartment.

And that's what Elliot pounced on when I asked him what was going on. He said, "I never touched her!"

I told him I didn't care about that, I knew it wasn't true. I asked him what was going on at home. At first I thought he was going to walk away from me without answering, but I think he knew I'd keep at it until he gave me an answer so he turned around and walked back towards me. He told me in a voice filled with anger, "Kathy left me." He was breathing hard and I could see there was more he wanted to say but he was incapable of more at the moment so he just turned around again and walked out.

After that, I knew that Cragen went after him and grilled him about the Myra incident. I also knew that Cragen believed him and after that, nothing really came out anymore except he took him off Myra Denning.

That entire week, I kept expecting a knock on my door in the middle of the night. I kept expecting him to need me, to come looking for me but he never did.

. . .

_Elliot pressed the pause button then. He thought back to that night after he told Olivia that Kathy had left him. Olivia was right. He wanted to go to her. And in fact he had been already in her apartment door. Not her building door, her apartment door. That same night that happened, he had been there and he was about to knock. But he decided not to. He didn't because he suddenly felt even more guilty already. He had already ruined his marriage and to continue this with Olivia when he knew he couldn't give her more what he was giving now, well it might ruin her too. And he could not bear that. And so instead of knocking and being with her, he left. _

_He sighed. He didn't know she had been so hurt. Of course, it was such a bad time for him, he knew she'd understand if he explained. But that was the problem. He never did. He never even thought to ask her if after 5 years she was still okay with their arrangement. He just assumed she was. What a selfish bastard he was. _

_Well it was time to stop being selfish. Whoever sent him the tapes had told him Olivia needed him right now. And she needed him to know everything. And as painful as hearing all of this was for him, he had to do continue. It was time to think about her first._

. . .

The Myra Denning case finished and Elliot was able to escape with his record unblemished. And somehow, though it took some doing, we slipped back into our dynamic duo mode.

But as I said, this was a year full of hard cases. Before I move forward, I think it's important that I tell you about the case before Myra Denning. I think it was one of our hardest cases. And if you ask me, I think it was that case that caused Kathy to finally leave Elliot.

The case involved a cult – a guy who believed himself to be a Messiah of sorts. His name was Abraham and we caught the case because the hospital called us when his wife was brought to their emergency room. At first I wondered why we were called since they told me that the only complaint was that of threatened abortion – then when I laid eyes on the woman – I realized why. The woman was not a woman at all but a girl of 12 and she was 30 weeks along.

I talked to her and fortunately, despite her fear and her strong reluctance I was able to extract from her that her pregnancy was brought about my her "husband". Her name was Melanie and she said the father of her baby was a man named Abraham. Thankfully I was able to convince her to tell me the address where she and her husband lived.

When I got there, I knocked on the door with an officer by my side. About 4 kids answered the door and I began to ask them if their parents were there. But before they could answer – this guy who looked like someone had crossed Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and Jim Morrison of the Doors had come to the door. And then the next thing I knew, the kids were ushered in and the door slammed in our faces.

I was a little out of sorts when that happened. I knew I had to go in there because of Melanie but I was momentarily unsure on how to go about that. The house was private property and unless I was invited in I needed probable cause to get a subpoena and forcibly enter.

I was about to call Casey for a court order, when suddenly a gunshot rang out from inside. I immediately radioed for help and a few minutes later the entire SVU squad had arrived. When they got there, more shots were fired. The order was given to the SWAT team that came to enter and so they did.

But they weren't there long at all when one of them came rushing out. My first thought was that there was something toxic inside that they had been exposed to. But I realized it wasn't that. And Elliot, me, John and Fin all rushed in.

Once we were there, someone told us that everyone was dead. And all our hearts broke because it was true. We all caught sight of the children – all dead. Dead from gunshots wounds. And it was all I could do not to break down and cry. I couldn't believe it. They had just answered the door when I knocked a few minutes earlier and now they were all dead. Irrationally I blamed myself. If I hadn't allowed the door to be closed. If I hadn't knocked. If I hadn't…the litany in my head was endless. They were all dead including a child not more than 3 years old…all because I knocked on their door.

We were all dazed and unmoving as we stared at their lifeless bodies. It was like we couldn't comprehend what we were seeing. No one could be this evil.

After we left and all the bodies were taken, we all went back to the 16th precinct we were all quiet. We were all affected by what we had seen. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing all those children, dead. Captain Cragen became concerned for all of us and he told us that that everyone will be evaluated by psych.

George Huang volunteered to examine us all and Elliot volunteered to go first. I swear I thought I was the one who was going to be sent home. I cried to George. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't help it. What we had seen was so sad, cruel, evil and horrible.

But it wasn't me that was sent home. It was Elliot. Of course, George couldn't tell me why but I assumed that something in that carnage struck him and he made a connection to it and his kids. And because of that he couldn't be objective about the case. So he was sent home. Fin also opted to go home so I was left with Munch to work the case.

Elliot did not work the case because he was sent home so you may wonder why I thought this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back that was Elliot's marriage. You see, I knew Elliot. I knew that when he went home, he would have just sulked. And no matter how Kathy tried to draw him out, he wouldn't have said anything at all. I knew my partner. This kind of tragedy is exactly why we had our agreement. He didn't want to bring this home to his family but of course, when you see things like that, you need to let out the emotions that it brings about in you. And he wouldn't allow himself to do that with his family. Not because he didn't think Kathy would understand. But because he wanted to shield them from the horrors that he saw. But to Kathy, it was him shutting her out. To her it was him not trusting her enough to talk to her, to share with her, to have her help him in whatever he needed help with getting through. And as sure as the sun shines in the morning, I knew the moment he was sent home it wasn't going to be a good day at the Stabler household.

Anyway, back to Abraham. I AM proud to say that he will no longer be making young girls into wives. Abraham is dead and I hope he is rotting in hell. It was actually Melanie who shot and killed him. He had taken her from the hospital and he had stashed her in some abandoned warehouse but we found her. I was just about to take her out of there, when Abraham came back. And for a moment, I thought I was going to have another dead child in my hands. I had a gun in my hands but so did Melanie. I think Abraham left it there for her to use just in case someone comes in to get her. In her distress, Melanie shot the officer that was with me. But she let him go. Thankfully, she let him go.

But then Abraham and I battled each other for Melanie's belief and trust. Abraham kept telling Melanie that I was the enemy and that God brought her to him because that was his will. And I kept talking to trying to convince her that he was lying. That all he wanted from her was her money that she was going to come to when she had child. You see Melanie's parents were wealthy and she had a trust fund. The trust fund would mature when she had a child and that's what he wanted from her. Still Melanie did not believe me. But then, Abraham good as killed himself with his own words. As he continued to spout blasphemous statements, he said something that Melanie found unforgiveable. And Melanie shot him. As I embraced Melanie after Abraham had fallen dead, she cried out to me. She told me she had shot him because he had lied. She said to me, "He said he was greater than God and that's a lie." She shot him because of that. He had always proclaimed to his "family" that they were doing God's work and when Melanie heard him proclaim himself greater than God, she knew then that he had been lying all along and she shot him.

I still felt sorry for all the children that Abraham had abused and led to their untimely deaths. But at least now I could take a small comfort in the fact that he wouldn't doing any of that ever again. And for that I uttered a small prayer of thanks to the God whose existence I still wasn't sure of.

The Myra Denning case was after that. And before we caught that when Elliot came back after 4 days, I noticed that he was not himself. And it wasn't until I found that Kathy had left him that I knew. I suddenly knew why he acted the way he did when he came back.

I could tell you so many other cases, Liz…one after the next, all sad and terrible – but the one that brought everything to a head was the case that got Casey attacked in her office, right after I left to get us coffee.

Elliot and Casey had always been close. In fact, they met each other before Casey got assigned to us. They met during a policeman's baseball league and it was Elliot who introduced me to her when she first showed up.

I have to admit, I didn't really like Casey at first. First of all, Alex was my friend and though I knew it wasn't Casey's fault that she replaced my friend, I harbored a sort of resentment against her because of that. Then I noticed how she would go to Elliot when she needed a sounding board. And I noticed that she and Elliot had a sort of chemistry all their own. It was very unlike ours, but I couldn't help feeling a little uneasy about it. After all, Elliot had demonstrated that he is capable of being with someone else by being with me once a year, why couldn't he do it again, this time with Casey?

But deep down I knew that there wasn't anything going on. I'd like to pride myself that I'd know if there was. But still the uneasiness was there and it wasn't until Casey was going on two years that I finally decided to trust her.

. . .

_Elliot pushed pause once again and frowned. Olivia had suspected him and Casey? In retrospect, I guess he understood. He had been closer to Casey than to Alex. There was a time that Casey had even come to Queens to find him to discuss a case. Alex had never done that. Alex had never confided in him. If anyone, Alex had confided in Olivia not him. _

_Yes, he had been close to Casey and maybe just maybe there was an iota of attraction there. But now and even then, he had never given it a second thought. But it was quite a revelation now to learn that Olivia had caught that closeness and never mentioned it. _

_He wondered now how he would have reacted if she had mentioned it. Knowing him, he'd probably been defensive. _

_Olivia's narrative in the CDs were definitely making him think. And though a lot of what he's been hearing wasn't new for him, for Olivia to say it and think it, it brought it all back and made it real all over again. And for the first time in a long time, he felt something. Not just for Olivia, but in general. Ever since Jenna, he hadn't allowed himself to feel. Even when things were going south with Kathy and he knew the divorce would push through this time, he hadn't allowed himself to feel any emotions. Emotions were dangerous. It got you into situations that were hard and you were unprepared for. But this time he couldn't deny it. He couldn't not feel anymore. This time he needed to. He needed to sort everything out. And if he continued to not allow himself to feel so that he couldn't be hurt anymore, he'd only hurt himself even worse in the long run. And not just him, but all the people he loved and who loved him in return. _

_Olivia had loved him. Despite everything, she had loved him. _

"I love you, too, Liv."_ The thought came to his head all of a sudden, unbidden. _

"I love you, Liv." _The words came out of his mouth now. He was startled to find himself saying them out loud even though he was alone. He couldn't deny it any longer. He loved her. And it was about time, he faced that fact and told her. He needed to face everything now. Olivia needed him. He could feel it as sure as he breathed, she needed him right now. How? He didn't know. But from the texts he had gotten his gut and his instincts were screaming at him. Olivia needed him to go her and quick. _

"I'm coming, Liv. Soon, I promise, hang in there. Please don't give up. Don't give up on us."_ Another unbidden thought._

_He realized then that his heart was pounding. He could feel the panic descending. He took a deep breath trying to calm down. After a few minutes he succeeded. Then knowing in his gut that time was of the essence and that he was wasting precious time, he pressed play again._

. . .

Casey had pissed off the wrong person. She had been going after a perp together with us who was part of an old New York clan. At first we thought that the perp who had attacked her was this guy. But as it turns out, it was the brother of one of the victims. He felt that Casey had shamed their family by getting his sister to testify about her rape. They were devout Muslims who believed that once a woman had been defiled, their family would be dishonored. He wanted to restore the honor to their family. And he believed attacking Casey did that. Of course we learned this all later on.

But right after the attack, Elliot met us at the hospital and I could see how distraught he was. At that time I thought it was about Casey. Like I said, I thought there was an attraction between them. Of course, I knew that they were friends and just like he worried about me, he could easily worry about her too. He worried about Alex before so why wouldn't he worry about Casey?

So I decided not to worry about his feelings for Casey. It was only right that he was concerned for her. Though there was still that part of me that worried. I mean he was now separated from Kathy and the one time after that separation that I had seen them together, things were definitely not going well with them. A part of me thought that as much as it gave him a go signal with me, it also gave him a go signal with Casey. And since he still had to go to me since our last time, I couldn't help but suspect that he had another outlet now and that outlet was Casey. True, I did not see any difference in their actions towards each other. But that didn't mean anything. After all, while there was a lot of talk about Elliot and me – there WAS always talk about us, no one could really pinpoint a difference in our behaviors before and after each encounter we had thus far. At least, I'd like to think so.

So I decided not to think about it. After all, I had no right to be jealous. Officially he and I were just work partners, best friends at best and occasional lovers. We weren't in a relationship so he was really free to pursue Casey. But deep down even though I was decided not to think about it, there was that seed of doubt and I prayed to a God that I really didn't believe in that I was wrong.

I think the reason that I started thinking that way is that by the time we were into the sixth year of our partnership I was also getting tired. I was getting tired of my job – not so much that I no longer wanted to help the victims – I'll never tire of that – but I think I was burnt out. The job in itself took its toll but aside from that, being partners with Elliot can really wear someone down.

I guess it was already hard for a person to be just partners with him, but to be that close to him, to be that involved with him – whatever that meant at that time, it was taking its toll on me. Of course I couldn't tell him that – I didn't want to tell him that. I knew if I told him that, it'd cause a rift. And I didn't want that to happen. Because even though he wasn't the easiest person to be partners with it, I knew I was the same. It wasn't easy on him either to be MY partner. So I guess, we were pretty much even. Or at least that's what I told myself.

By this time we had gone more than a year without being with each other in that way. I began to wonder if we would ever be together again that way. I also wondered when he would tell me that he didn't need to do that anymore. I began to think that maybe I should beat him to the punch.

After a few days, a badly bruised Casey was released from the hospital and she had gone to the precinct – her bruises still very visible and she was still hobbling away with the help of a cane. My heart went out to her but she was very determined to see the case through. We had caught the perp who had beaten her up but she still needed to finish out the case that started everything.

That night, after Casey paid a visit to the precinct, there was a knock on my door. And once again before I could even check who it was, I knew it was Elliot.

My heart began to pound faster. I wondered if Elliot came for that.

I didn't have to wonder long because the moment I shut the door behind him, he had pinned me to the door and his lips were on mine, devouring, demanding. I was taken by surprise for a split second but then my body began to respond to his and I was kissing him back.

It felt so good to have his arms around me – to have his lips on mine again after so long and I just melted in his arms. He didn't say a word. He let his actions say everything, instead. I don't know what brought all of that on but I decided even as I continued to respond to him, that I was going to ask him later.

He needed release I could feel it. The way his kisses were hard and rough. The way his hands had worked themselves under my shirt, then on my back quickly unhooking my bra, freeing my breasts and then capturing them into his large hands. He squeezed them hard and he thrust his pelvis against mine. I could feel his hard length pressing into me. He wanted me. He was so aroused.

I was already dressed for bed in sweats and so it was so easy him to release my breast and then shove his hand inside my pants so that he could cup my aching mound. I was not wearing any panties and he groaned loudly when he found me soaking wet. He always did that to me. The moment his lips would touch mine, I would feel myself getting wet with my desire for him.

He roughly pulled down my pants, all the while continuing to kiss me. Once my pants had pooled down my ankles, he hurriedly unbuttoned his own, unzipped his fly and pulled them down hastily together with his boxer briefs. He aligned his cock with my pussy and plunged. I gasped at the intrusion, he was so hard and big and it had been such a long time since we did this that I had to adjust to his size yet again. But it was like he didn't hear my brief cry of pain. Once he was inside me to the hilt, he began to pound me. We were still against my door and I could hear the door slamming against my back as he went in and out of me, hard and fast.

He raised my leg and pulled it against his hip. He pummeled me hard - grunting and growling. The look on his face was almost ferocious. He looked straight into my eyes and even as the pleasure coursed through my entire being I couldn't help feeling a little fear. I have never seen him look at that way. I can't describe it. But it scared me a bit.

For the first time he didn't wait for me to come first. He always did. Even in that year when we were biting each other out of anger, he always thought of my pleasure first. But this time, he came first. It didn't take long – and probably a good thing too because being fucked against the door was never my favorite position. But at that time, I took it because I wanted him so badly.

When he came, he uttered a loud curse and grunted. He didn't continue to pump in and out of me like he usually did. Instead, he thrust once, held me tightly as he spilled inside me, his breathing rapid. When it was over, he pulled out at once and his expression changed. The ferocious look in his face was gone all of a sudden, replaced by a look of regret. Still breathing hard, he looked at me and apologized. "I'm sorry, I…I…"

He couldn't continue and though I was scared earlier, I understood. Or at least I thought I did.

"Sssh…it's okay."

"No it's not…"

"Yes, it is. Sssh…"

I embraced him then. I could feel his cock against my stomach, still semi hard. His sperm was trickling down my thighs along with my wetness. But I didn't care.

I held him just like that until his breathing normalized. When he was okay again, I gently pushed him away. I reached out for his face and then I tilted it up so I could look into his beautiful blue eyes. "El?"

I was about to ask if he was going to stay but he beat me to it. I could swear there were tears in his eyes. "Can I stay? I know…you and I have been staying away from each other…but I…I can't do it anymore."

"You can't do what?" My voice was soft and I hated the slight tremor I heard.

He looked at me, his eyes blazing. "I…I can't stay away…not anymore." The intensity of his gaze didn't seem to match the softness of his tone. But the combination of the two made me melt.

I looked at him, and all at once, my eyes were stinging with tears. I know he saw my tears and I swallowed hard to keep them at bay. I had so many questions. But I couldn't say them. So I did the only thing I could. I kissed him.

He groaned the moment his lips met mine and the next thing I knew he was carrying me to my bedroom.

There, we shed all the clothes we still had on and when we were fully naked, he and I lay in my bed and we began to make love again. This time he took care of me. He was gentle, tender…loving. I could see that it was almost like his apology for only thinking of his needs earlier. His lips were all over me, his hands traversed the entire length of my body. He made me feel so much pleasure that it didn't take long for me to forget my fears and just lose myself in him and all that he was doing.

When he was inside me again, his motions were slow, deliberate and filled with purpose. I could feel his hardness and I knew he was holding back. He wanted me to come first this time. I felt so full of him literally and figuratively as he went in and out of me. He kept his eyes on me and my eyes never strayed from him. I

"El…" I breathed out.

But whatever we realized that night and I think there was something that we both realized then – we couldn't face it. And before I could continue with whatever thought I was trying to form then, he nipped it in the bud by crashing his lips into mine again.

My mouth opened hungrily and intensity of our kiss took my breath away. But I didn't pull back and neither did he. His thrusting became faster now, frenzied almost and it was only when we couldn't deny the fire building inside us that he tore his mouth away from mine.

He quickly flipped us so that I was on top and I began to ride him hard. His hands went to my hips as he guided my motions. I went up and down on him furiously. The ache in between my legs was almost too much and I needed release.

I could feel that he was feeling the same way. One moment I dared closed my eyes. But he wouldn't have it. He wanted my eyes on him and he told me so. "Open your eyes, Liv." His voice was harsh and riddled with desire and need.

I obeyed him and I leaned forward then, closing the gap between us, but keeping up my frenzied motions. I told him I was near and the next thing I knew one of his hands was in between my legs and he was rubbing my clit, hard.

It didn't take long after that. My orgasm crashed over me. The intensity of it frightened me. It was overwhelming and I couldn't help but shed tears. I could feel my pussy squeezing him inside me and I knew how much he liked that feeling. I couldn't stop myself. I kept shouting his name and I kept grinding my core against him over and over. I never wanted this to end.

I was so caught up in my ecstasy that it took me a minute to realize that he too was coming, that he was shouting my name and making sounds that I could not recognize. He thrust upward inside me, his cock throbbing and spurting his seed inside me. He came just as intensely as I did – long and hard – spilling so much of his seed inside me that even though he was still buried inside me, I could feel his semen trickling out of me.

When our orgasms finally waned, I collapsed against him for a few moments and then I made a motion to move from on top of him. What he said and did next made my heart stop. And it made me all the more confused.

"What did he do?" Dr. Olivet asked.

He…he stopped me from pulling him out and he asked me…

"Asked you what?"

. . .

_He heard Olivia give a laugh and he pressed the pause button. He thought about the laughter from her that he had just heard. He couldn't describe it. It didn't seem to be bitter. But it wasn't a happy laugh. And he knew why. Because looking back now he didn't know why he asked her what he did then. God, he was really a bastard. _

_Even though he knew what she was going to say, he knew he had to hear it and so he pressed play once more._

. . .

He asked if I could just stay like that and if he could stay inside me.

"And what did you say and why do you think he said that?"

I didn't say anything, Liz. I just did what he asked. As for why he asked that – I don't know. The problem with Elliot is that the moment you think you know what's going in that head of his, suddenly you realize you don't.

I guess if you want me to answer that now though, I'd say I don't know what he was thinking. He had always told me that it felt good inside me and so I guess that would be my guess.

"But Liv, when he says that - don't you think it means that it feels good during the act? But this time you weren't making love anymore…"

I know…

"So you can't possibly tell me that was his reason for saying that."

I don't know what to say. All I know is that when he asked, I let him. I didn't allow myself to think of the why then.

"Well that was then, this is now. You tell me now why he did that or why you think he did asked that of you?"

I don't know. I wish I did. But I guess in retrospect if I had allowed myself to even think of the why, I'd say I would have hoped that it meant that I was just more than sex to him now. After all, Kathy was no longer an issue. Or at least I had hoped she wasn't.

"But?"

But nothing – that's in the past. I don't know why he asked me to do that with him then. All I know that after that, I felt good and bad all at the same time.

I felt good because I got the comfort and safety I felt every time I was with him once more. I didn't realize how much I had been looking for that till then. And I felt bad – because his asking to stay inside me? Well it threw me for a loop and I think I felt myself falling for him…and when he did that, I didn't know if I could ignore it anymore.

"What happened after that?"

He stayed with me.

"For how long?"

For three days. We went to work together, we went back to my place together for the next three days. He made love to me every single night. We didn't talk about what we were doing. I didn't ask. He didn't volunteer.

"Why not?"

I wasn't ready for his answers.

"Why did he leave?"

Again I don't know. But on the fourth day, after work, he simply told me he was just going to see me the next day and he went home to Queens.

I didn't ask why. I didn't ask anything. I simply let it be. And after those three days, we were back to the way things were. Best friends, the dynamic duo of SVU, Benson and Stabler.

. . .

_The CD ended there and Elliot stood up, pacing the room. _

_Suddenly, his phone beeped and he saw that there was a message that came through. He grabbed it and read the message._

_**Elliot are you done with listening to the CDs?**_

_It was the texter again. _

_**No. Just got done with CD number 6. Please who is this and please tell me if Olivia is okay. **_

_Just like before, the reply was quick. __**Just CD 6? Elliot you gotta hurry. **_

_**Why do I need to hurry? Where's Olivia? Is she okay?**__ Elliot answered back just as fast._

_**Because Elliot, you are not allowed to hurt her anymore. So before you go to her, you need to know everything. You need to know what you did to her.**_

_Okay, I accept that. But I need to know if she's okay. Why won't you tell me? He read his message twice before sending it, his heart racing in anticipation of the reply._

_But if he expected an answer to how Olivia was, he was only disappointed. Because once more his question was ignored. __**Just concentrate on listening to those CDs. Please Elliot, for Olivia.**_

_**Can you tell her something for me?**_

_**No. Anything you want to tell her, you can tell her as soon as you finish the CDs. But you need to finish them. That way you know everything and you can't hide from it anymore. **_

_**Who are you?**_

_**A friend. **_

_Elliot's brow furrowed as he thought of who could be on the other end. He decided to hazard a guess. __**John?**_

_**Elliot, stop it. Just listen to them. **_

_**Okay, but I need to know that Olivia is okay.**_

_The next message seemed to glare at him with emphasis. The reply was written all in caps. __**TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, JUST LISTEN TO THE DAMN CDs STABLER AND LISTEN TO THEM QUICKLY. **_

_**Is she okay?**_

_But once again, there was no more reply._

. . .

At the other end, Captain Donald Cragen sighed. He wondered now if he did the right thing by sending those CDs to Elliot. When Elliot left, Olivia had added him to her records as another next of kin just in case. He knew she only added him because she needed to put someone who was reachable and so reluctantly she did. But she couldn't bear to take his name out. Even though she had no idea where he was, she couldn't do it.

At that time, it was just a formality. But then came that night nearly a week ago that he had received the phone call. Olivia had been driving up the West Side Highway after questioning a suspect downtown when suddenly an 18 wheeler truck hit her car. The driver of the truck was tired from an all nighter he had pulled and had fallen asleep at the wheel. He escaped with minor bruises. But Olivia…Olivia was another story.

When he got to St Luke's Roosevelt where they had taken her, he had been told that she had actually arrested twice en route. Twice they were able to resuscitate her. They had rushed her to the operating room because she had ruptured her spleen and had a collapsed lung. She pulled through but she was still in critical condition and in a coma. He looked then at the unmoving body of Olivia Benson. She had been in a coma for almost a week now.

Olivia would never be described as petite. But right now, as she lay still on the hospital bed, she looked so small, fragile and pale. The machines that were connected to her body frightened Cragen. But of course he knew it wouldn't do good to panic. And so he did what he could do. He stayed by her side and prayed.

He sighed again. He hoped he did the right thing by sending Elliot those CDs. He closed his eyes, thinking of how he had come to those CDs. It hadn't been an easy path. But he knew in his gut it was the right thing to do.

Now, all he could was wait for Elliot to finish them and hope that whatever was on those CDs brought him back to Olivia.

. . .

**TBC…**

_**Whoa! So it was Cragen who sent Elliot the CDs. How did he get the CDs in the first place? Did Liz Olivet give it to him? Find out next. **_

_**Also in the next chapter, we continue to year 7 of their partnership. What happens? Do they continue? Perhaps yes or perhaps not? And what happens when Olivia nearly dies when a perp slices her throat and when the same perp forces them to acknowledge how much they mean to each other?**_

_**All coming up in the next chapter!**_

_**In the meantime, please do review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	8. The Seventh Year

The Seventh Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**There comes a point in time when you have to confront what you've been trying to avoid…**_

_**Please enjoy!**_

. . .

Near the beginning of our seventh year together, Elliot came to my door again. He was a mess. His knuckles were bloody and his eyes were bloodshot.

Before I could speak, words began to tumble of his mouth. "I lied to her. I lied to her. How am I supposed to get the help I need if all I do is lie?"

He repeated those words over and over. I knew that he had been in a fight earlier. He had seen his old partner Pete Breslin beating the crap out of his son, Luke. Luke had been in court having been arrested for beating up on his friend, Pamela.

We had found out that the reason he had was because he was under what was called a "roid rage" – uncontrollable angry impulses due to steroid abuse.

Pete, Luke's father had not known that his son had been taking steroids and only found out during the arraignment. When Luke was released to his custody pending trial, the first thing he had done was haul Luke to the restrooms of the courthouse. Once there, he started beating his son.

Fortunately for Luke, Elliot had been there. When Elliot saw the way Pete had hauled Luke out of court, he followed them. It was a good thing he did. He got there just on time. As for me, I had seen the same thing he did and my concern was for Elliot. He had already been asked to go home because of this case, because he tried to make it go away and I didn't want him doing anything else that may put his career in jeopardy. So just as he followed Pete and Luke, I followed him.

When I got there it was over. I was horrified to see Pete Breslin slumped against the tile restroom wall, beaten to a pulp. The two court officers who rushed in to help had pulled Elliot off of him. The expression on his face was ferocious and when I tried to reach out to him, he pushed me away, not literally but he told me to leave him alone. I knew Elliot. I knew at that point in time there was no point in trying to get through to him so I let him go.

I don't know where he had gone after. He had already been sent home because when the complaint was first brought upon look because of the way he handled it. He felt he owed his old partner to try and keep his son out of the system. The same old partner he beat up now. Things were getting worse. And though I would have never said it out loud because I didn't want to make something already bad become really ugly, I agreed with what the Captain did.

After the rollecoaster ride that was our sixth year together, I didn't expect anything from him anymore. My feelings for him had not diminished. But I told myself I was not going to put myself out there anymore. In fact, just prior to this case, I had accepted a date from a nice guy. But just as I was about to get into his car, Cragen called me in saying he needed me. Of course, I never got to go out on that date. And he had never called again. It was the story of my life.

Anyway, that altercation with Elliot and Pete had been sometime just after lunch. It was several hours after that he came to my apartment. I could see that he was distraught and nowhere near having a presence of mind. But instinctively I knew that he just wanted me to be there. He didn't want to be touched or reassured. Right now all he wanted was my presence. How I knew that, I don't know, Liz. I just did.

He paced around my apartment. He wouldn't sit down. It was like he was in a daze and he kept shaking his head as he walked. He kept saying, repeating, "I lied to her, I lied to her. I said I never cheated. I said I never cheated. I lied. I lied." And curious though I was to know who he was referring to, I remained silent. For a minute, I actually thought he was drunk. But he wasn't. I would smell it on him if he was. And I didn't smell anything.

Finally after long moments, he stopped pacing and he came towards me. I was standing by my couch waiting for him, watching him. His gaze locked into mine, as he closed the distance between us. Then, he spoke once more. "Liv, I lied to her."

"To whom?" I had to ask now, I couldn't help it anymore. I knew he heard the concern in my voice and I hoped he responded to it. "What happened, Elliot?"

In a ragged whisper, he told me the meaning behind his words. "I went to Rebecca after…after…I….Pete and Luke…"

Elliot was so distraught that I he could barely form a sentence at that point and took me a few seconds to comprehend who he was talking about and what he was saying. "Hendrix?"

He nodded and then continued. "I told her about Kathy and I told her about some things in my past – about why I pounded on Pete and I told her that I had never cheated on Kathy. And…and…I don't know why I did. It just came out of my mouth."

My heart started to race. What was he trying to say? I swallowed hard. "What are you doing here, El?"

"I…God, Liv. I don't know." His voice was filled with pain, anguish and defeat.

"You don't know?" There was a note of disbelief in my voice. And he heard it. I saw it in the way he looked at me as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

He started to shake his head again and he started towards the door. I really thought he was going to walk out but he didn't. He had only gone a couple of steps when he stopped in his tracks. He turned back to me and without answering my question, he said, "Let's go to your bedroom."

I was about to protest. I knew I should have been angry. But sue me, I wasn't. Something in his voice, in his eyes made the protest I was about to mount die before I could say one syllable. I just nodded, took his hand in mine and did as he asked.

When we were both inside, it was him who locked the door behind us. And without waiting for me to say anything, he started to undress me.

I was down to my panties when all at once, he stopped. He looked at me in the eyes and said, "You can say no, you know that right?"

"I know." I told him, my voice soft.

He paused for a moment, waiting for my no. But when it wasn't forthcoming, he groaned and pulled me flush against him. "I need you, Liv." His voice, low and almost a growl.

"I know." I said again. I knew he wanted reassurance from me that I was okay with this and so I gave it to him. I reached out for his jeans, unbuttoned and unzipped it and pulled his pants and boxer briefs down, releasing his already semi-hard cock.

Still not tearing my gaze away from his, I let my hand encircle his penis and I began to stroke it, slowly and purposefully. He got fully hard almost immediately.

I slid down then and went on my knees. Then without any preamble, I took as much of his entire length in my mouth. I licked him and sucked him urgently.

"Liv." He breathed out, his hand going behind my head and guiding my movements. "You don't have to…FUCK! That feels so good, baby."

My head bobbed up and down, I was so enjoying fucking him orally. My hand went along with my mouth as I gave it to him good. I could taste the pre-cum coming out of his cock as I continued my actions.

For a moment, I took him out of my mouth and licked his entire shaft. Then I let my tongue go to the head and let it graze the tiny slit there which was oozing the pre-cum. I put my mouth over the head and licked the pre-cum off before I took him fully inside my mouth again and resumed my earlier actions.

While I had one hand on his cock, I let the other reach for his balls and I gently pulled on them. Elliot let out a small exclamation when I did that and I immediately felt them draw in tight. He was near.

The knowledge that he was about to come only spurned me on. And I began to slide his cock in and out of my mouth faster and faster. Elliot now had two hands on the back of my head, guiding me. He was grunting and growling. I glanced up at him and saw his face contorted with pleasure.

All at once, I felt his cock twitch inside my mouth and his hands stopped me from making any further movement. He thrust once and then I felt it, tasted it. His cock started to spurt his seed and with each spurt I felt the throb of his cock in my mouth. He came so hard and filled me with so much semen but I didn't care. I swallowed everything. When he was done, he let out a long deep breath and slowly pulled out of me.

I wiped the corners of my mouth as I stood up, my eyes on him once more.

I couldn't tell what he was thinking then. He looked less anguished but at the same time, he looked guilty too.

I wasn't in the mood to analyze him or us or whatever it was going on with him right now. At that moment, I just wanted to be with him. At that moment, I just wanted to be able to be there for him.

So, instead of asking and getting into what surely would have been a long winded discussion, I silently took off the shirt he still had on and tossed it to the floor. Then I took his hand in mind and led him to my bed.

We lay there, not speaking, just holding each other for long minutes. I don't know if any of this was making him feel better but I hoped that it was.

I began to drift off to sleep until I suddenly felt Elliot start to trace circles on my stomach. The motion was light, almost lazy, almost unconscious. But the reaction it caused in me couldn't be more opposite.

A groan escaped from my lips and it must have been all that he had been waiting for. Because after that I felt him move from next to me and then his tongue was in between my legs. First he just licked my slit. But he did it so slowly that another moan, more guttural this time, escaped from me. And then his tongue was in between my soaking folds. I opened my eyes then and I opened my legs wider, giving him more access.

I started to push against his mouth, letting his tongue enter me more deeply. I loved it when he made love to me with his mouth. He had such a talented tongue. But then it seemed that he needed me to come and his mouth descended upon my clit, sucking it softly, tenderly. It didn't take long for me to come after that. I held down his head, locking it in between my legs, in my core as my orgasm overwhelmed me, flooding wetness into him.

When it was over, he crawled up and kissed me. I could still taste myself in him and it made me want him all over again. When he tore his mouth away from me and looked into my eyes, I didn't know what to think or feel. But the need to know exactly how I should feel at that moment seized because it was then that he sank his cock inside me. He began to pound me harder and harder. His rhythms became almost frenzied and he pinned my arms over my head, rendering me unable to make much movement.

His cock was so hard and big inside me. And I began to cry his name out loud as the friction drove me almost out of my mind. It felt so good. He always felt so good. But Elliot didn't speak. All I heard from him were animalistic sounds.

He didn't let go of my wrists but then he slowed down and his mouth took mine again. His kiss was urgent and hot but slow and deliberate. Combined with the almost tender in and out of motion of his cock in my pussy, the pleasure flooding my body was almost painful, almost too much.

I couldn't take that for too long and I turned my head quickly to the side, breaking our kiss. Our breathing was rapid and heavy as our gazes fell on each other again. He unpinned my arms and he shoved his hands through my thick hair. And in that position, his thrusting became faster again.

My hands now free, they quickly found their way to his ass, pushing him against me, to make him go deeper. When he felt my nails digging into his ass, his pounding became almost rough. I could hear his balls slapping against me, hard. It felt so good. And once more, I felt myself on the brink.

"Oh God!" Elliot gave a cry. "Fuck, you feel so good…"

I closed my eyes involuntarily and I shook my head from side to side. My entire body was on fire and I knew he felt the same heat inside him, needing to be released.

"Liv, I….I'm gonna come baby…fuck…"

"Elliot!" His name came out of my mouth in a loud cry as I my hips lifted off the bed, crashing against his pelvis. My orgasm came out of nowhere, overwhelming me.

And then he was coming too. He gave one last thrust as I rode out my orgasm and his cock spurted his semen inside me. He repeated his thrusts until finally he was empty and sated.

He collapsed against me for one moment and then he carefully moved the two of us side by side, making sure that he stayed inside me. I noticed that he didn't ask this time. But I never questioned him either.

We fell asleep after that. We didn't wake up until the next morning. The captain had still not asked him to come back to work and so he didn't have to go. We made love one more time before it was time for me to get ready and leave for work. I left him in my apartment. I knew when I came back he'd be gone.

. . .

_Elliot paused the CD and once more he found himself thinking about that night. He and Olivia never discussed the untruth he had told Rebecca. When he was in Olivia's arms, it was very easy to forget things. To lose himself in her. To actually think that things would be alright. But it never was - not then. _

_Their jobs took so much out of them. The horrible things they saw never lessened. And for him it came to a point that it affected his family life as well as his friendships. Though he and Olivia remained close as ever, he knew that what they were doing and kept on doing then had to have its effects. He knew it then even before he heard these CDs. But with everything going on at that time, neither of them really pursued the consequences of their actions. There were times that they'd start but then they never finished. _

_They never finished…and he was nowhere near finished right now either. And suddenly he remembered the texts again. Where was Olivia? Was she okay? That gnawing bad feeling was back again. He had to know what was up with her. Because there was. If there wasn't, these CDs would have never come to him. He knew deep down the texter was for real. That he was a friend, whoever he or she was. Elliot wished that he or she would say already what was wrong with Liv. _

_He closed his eyes then and muttered a prayer. "Please God, let her be okay. Please don't her anything be less than that before I get a chance to tell her I really feel. Please, God. " _

_He took a deep breath, trying to calm the suddenly frantic feeling that came over him and pressed play._

. . .

The moment I walked out of my apartment, I knew without having him there we had reverted back to being the unbeatable team that was Benson and Stabler. I saw him again that day because after he left my place he went to Breslin's place and found him shot. Elliot called the paramedics and he was rushed to the hospital.

There both the Captain and I met up with him. Elliot later on had told me that he apologized to Cap about how he handled the entire Breslin case and the Cap also told him he knew that he wasn't the one at fault in the incident in the courthouse restroom. Elliot told Cragen that he knew and understood why he was sent home. He further also told the Cap that he was dealing with his issues and Cragen apparently told him that if he needed help to come to him.

I'm sure the Captain thought that what Elliot meant was that he was seeing a priest or a shrink. But I knew better. Elliot meant he was dealing with it by being with me. After all, that was the agreement. We were going to do be with each other once a year so that we could get the release and comfort we needed from our jobs.

After the Captain talked to him, Elliot went inside Pete's hospital room. It was there that I found him . I called him to come out. Once he was outside in the all with me, I explained that we found Luke's prints in the gun used to to shoot Pete Breslin. We also found out that the service weapon of Breslin was missing along with Luke himself. We had called the school and he wasn't there and neither was the girl he attacked, Pamela. And she was his best friend.

At that, it was time to be on dynamic duo mode. I know I probably sound sarcastic when I refer to us as the dynamic duo, I'm sorry, I can't help it. It's amazing how we actually remained as close as we were doing what we did every year. And I don't mean our jobs.

Anyway, we got to Luke and Pam just in the nick of time. Luke was about to shoot himself because he thought he had killed his father. Luke shot his dad because he had found out that he was also taking steroids and he got so angry that he shot him. It was only through Elliot's efforts that everyone left that house alive that day and he was able to reunite Luke with Pete. Hopefully, he did more than that. Hopefully he was able to help them take the first step towards getting back the good relationship they once had.

One more time, Elliot had helped someone else. And though he had told the captain he was dealing with his issues, he really was no closer to helping himself. He had become so good at thinking about others first, putting their lives before him, that he had no room for himself anymore.

. . .

_Elliot paled and he felt himself grow cold at Olivia's words. That was what Rebecca also told him. Had they talked? He paused the CD again, thinking. But he quickly dismissed the idea from his head. Though they were friends in the academy – Rebecca had shifted to medicine after going through training with the academy – he knew that she would never say that to Olivia. It would mean breaking privilege. He had not gone to Rebecca as a friend. He gone to her as a patient. _

_Suddenly too he had a thought. Privilege. How the hell did whoever sent him the CDs get a hold of them? Yes, Liz was a psychologist not a psychiatrist but as far as he knew, there was still privilege attached there. That could only mean that either Olivia sent them or…her next of kin. _

_But he was her next of kin. And the Olivia he knew would never ever have sent him these CDs. Which meant he was back to the next of kin - him. Unless….she had put someone else as next of kin when he left. And if it was a next of kin acting on her behalf, for her greater good, given the texts he was receiving, then it meant something happened to her. _

_Fuck! How could he have only thought of this now. Seven CDs in and he only thought of it now! He was a detective for 17 years, how could all of this slipped by him?_

_His heart was beating a mile a minute now. He now knew something was wrong. He wished the texter would contact him again. He supposed he could call the records section of the police department and check on her next of kin status. But then, would they even tell him? He had left so abruptly without any goodbyes of any sort that he actually thought that he probably burned a lot of bridges. _

_He thought for a minute, glancing at the clock. It was nearing 3 pm and he knew the records section of the department would be shutting down at 6 pm. That gave him three hours to decide. Right then and there he made a decision, if he didn't hear from the texter again after he finished this CD he'd try his luck. He needed to know that Olivia was okay. _

. . .

Don Cragen knew he had to get back to the 16th precinct soon but it was always hard for him to leave Olivia. He was near retirement and before he left, he wanted to make sure she was okay.

It had taken a lot for him to get those CDs. It was a good thing that both Casey and Alex agreed with him and they had been able to get him the power of attorney he needed to get them from Liz Olivet.

In fact he would have never known of their existence had Liz Olivet had not come in to see him just about two weeks before Olivia had her accident.

Liz had come to him because she was greatly concerned about Olivia and her ability to do her job. Without going into detail, she had told him that Olivia had been seeing her on a regular basis. As it was her duty to warn people if she believed that her patient was a danger to themselves, she had done her duty and went to him.

When Olivia had her accident, he went to her. He needed to know if there was any possibility that Olivia could have done this to herself. That the crash was something she caused.

Liz had told him that once more, she could not answer that but she further told him to get a court order so that she could tell him what he needed to know.

Thankfully, since he was now next of kin, he got the court order and Liz was able to tell him pretty much that Elliot was the cause of Olivia's seeming lackluster and depressed attitude lately. She further told him that she didn't think Olivia had attempted suicide, but she gave him her professional opinion that she needed closure with Elliot. That Elliot leaving so abruptly had turned her world upside down. _**'Elliot was the only stable thing in her life and when he left, suddenly she didn't have that. And when you're someone with a job like hers, well, is it surprising that the floor seemed to cave from under her'**_ That's what Liz told him.

Don had shared with her that Olivia was out of surgery and in a coma. Liz had told him that coma patients often responded to voices of the people they loved. And in this case, they both knew who that was.

Don knew he could find Elliot but then he asked Liz that if he could find Elliot, would it do Olivia any good? Liz said, yes it would. But she also warned him that it would probably be better if Elliot knew everything first before he saw her even in a coma. When Don asked her why, she told him that if he came back and then left again, she didn't think Olivia would be able to take it a second time. She may not be suicidal now, but for him to leave her again a second time, well…who knows then?

"So what should I do?" He had asked her.

Liz replied, "Again, I can't divulge that. But off the record? And hypothetically, you can get power of attorney as her next of kin and get her session CDs. Hypothetically what you would do with them would be your discretion."

"Got it," he said, nodding knowingly.

"Good."

"Wait, Liz, hypothetically, would I need to listen to the CDs myself? I wouldn't feel right about that."

"Hypothetically, yes you can. But…"

"But?"

"I wouldn't."

"Ok, gotcha. But whatever is on those CDs? Would it actually help her? Help him help her."

"We never had this conversation, Captain Cragen." Her voice was normal, but the look in her face said it all.

"Don't worry, we never did," he reassured her.

"Okay, yes, I believe so."

"That's good enough for me, Liz. Thanks."

"Good luck, Don."

And so he had gotten the power of attorney, gotten the CDs and sent them to Elliot. And now it was a waiting game. She'd been in a coma for almost a week now and still Elliot had not finished the CDs. He really hoped whatever was in them was enlightening him and that it would help him get to her when he finally knew everything.

He wanted so badly to tell him. But he needed to be patient. Like Liz said, it was better he knew everything before he came to her.

Don sighed again and glancing at the clock, he saw it was almost 3 pm. He needed to get back to the precinct.

He looked at Olivia's still form hooked up to all the machines one last time, uttered a short prayer and then reluctantly left.

. . .

I just told you that it amazed me our relationship at work didn't suffer because of our closeness and our agreement. Up until that point, it never did. Even when I found out that Kathy had already started divorce proceedings and he never went further with me, I never said anything. I guess I never wanted to risk losing him completely, so I settled for having him halfway.

But then, towards the end of our seventh year, Elliot and I with the rest of the SVU squad came by Victor Gitano. And that case completely changed me and Elliot. You see Liz, for the first time in our partnership Elliot and I had to make a choice between each other and getting the job done.

And I think you know what - or who - we each chose.

. . .

_Gitano. Elliot went pale again. That was probably one of the most terrible times he had with Olivia, Oh God, what did she say to Liz?_

. . .

After annihilating their family, Gitano had kidnapped a brother and sister named Ryan and Rebecca. At first we thought the kidnapper was the estranged first husband of their dead mother. They were locked in a bitter custody battle and they were quite famous for their raging fights.

But we soon learned that was a dead end. Rebecca and Ryan's older brother was serving out a prison sentence in Sing Sing and though he had committed a crime, again we found out he had nothing to do with the deaths of his mom, stepfather and sister or the kidnapping.

We got a tip that Rebecca had been sent home recently from school and we checked it out. We found out though that there was nothing wrong with her, she had been sent home because she got upset with a man that had been lurking in the schoolyard. Unfortunately by the time the teacher we were talking to was alerted, the man had already been able to lure Rebecca to the fence, near him and had been masturbating.

But we were lucky again, because when the teacher got there, the man was still doing his business and she managed to see his face before he left in a hurry. She gave as a sketch of the man - she was the art teacher - and so we had our suspect.

We had already released the pictures of the kids to the media and now we released the picture of our suspect as well. And it wasn't long when we identified him. Victor Paul Gitano. We ran his name and we found out that he was a registered sex offender. He had served 18 years in prison for molesting and sodomizing and torturing a little boy in Pennsylvania. But he had gotten out. How still remains a mystery to me.

We had called in George Huang to help us profile him and once we knew his name, he was able to find out the name of his psychiatrist in prison. George went to her and talked to her. Her name was Dr. Paula Greenfield.

Greenfield told him that Gitano was a sociopath who preyed on everyone's weakness. He wasn't smart but he was cunning and he knew what buttons to push to get to you. Once he knew what your weakness was, he would exploit that fact to his advantage.

Everything we learned about Gitano made us more and more afraid for Ryan and Rebecca. At this point we didn't know if they were still alive. The last lead we had was that the ATM card of their mother had been used. But that was it. We saw the footage from the ATM camera we never saw him, just a thatch of curly hair that we assumed was Ryan's.

But then again, the power of media is immense and it not long after that we received a credible sighting tip. They were in the George Washington Bridge bus station. So we all rushed there.

When we arrived at the terminal, we talked to the guy who had called it in. Apparently Gitano had approached him because he expecting a $500 money transfer. This guy recognized him and made up a lie about the money, got Gitano out of the way and then called us.

Unfortunately the moment Gitano got there, our informant who had been so good in getting Gitano out of the way suddenly got spooked and thanks to his nervousness, Elliot and I got made. We quickly told Fin who was there with us and we all split up looking for Gitano.

. . .

_At this point in Olivia's narrative, Elliot found his thoughts drifting to that exact moment. _

_He had come down the escalator in the direction he had gone in and he was met with nothing. Out of the corner of his eye, by the doors he suddenly saw Olivia draw her gun and then people were rushing out screaming. He glimpsed Ryan then and he was so near him already but then he stopped because all at once, he heard Olivia shout, her gun aimed at Gitano who was holding Rebecca as shield. _

_Elliot drew his gun and but there were too many people and it was chaos. Those few moments were a blur. One moment Gitano was there with Rebecca and the next he had rushed Olivia and had swiped his knife at her throat, cutting her. Olivia fell as Elliot glanced at Ryan who was standing still in the escalator. He looked back and forth between them. He didn't know what to do. Ryan or Olivia. _

_Ryan was fine and Olivia, Olivia was clutching her throat bleeding on the ground. And suddenly it was no choice at all. _**"Olivia!"**_ He shouted, kneeling down next to her, his heart pounding, roaring in his ears._** "Oh my God! Olivia."**_ He could hear the anguish in his own voice. _

_But then she was fine. She managed to speak and she said to go after Ryan. After a moment, he did. But it was too late. By the time he got up the escalator, Gitano and Rebecca were gone and Ryan was dead. _

_He blamed himself. Why did he choose Olivia? Ryan was the victim, not Olivia. What happened to Olivia was part of the job's hazards. He had a job to do. He had to rescue the victim and because he chose Olivia, Ryan was dead. _

_Elliot felt his chest constrict at the memory. Olivia lying on the ground. Ryan lying on the ground a pool of blood gathering around him. _

_The Captain had tried to give him the day off after that, but he wouldn't hear of it. _

_Olivia had tried to comfort him, but he wasn't having any of it. Even though he knew it was his choice, he blamed her. If she didn't need him, Ryan would have been alive. _

_How could he have blamed Olivia? Probably because it was easier than blaming himself. Not that that made it right. _

_Elliot suddenly realized that he hadn't heard anything that Olivia had said, but then the memory of that day was still too painful even now. And so he didn't rewind this time. He just focused again from where the CD was now._

. . .

Elliot was a man possessed after Ryan was killed. He didn't care how we got him, or if he jumped on innocent people – he wanted to nail the bastard. The next day, when we were interrogating the guy who was supposed to send Gitano the money, Elliot was all over him. And he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.

When he walked out of the interrogation room, I let him have it. I asked him what the hell was wrong with him and if he had anything to say to me that he should say it straight.

"Did he answer your question, Olivia?" Liz asked.

Yeah, he did and then some. He basically told me it was my fault. That he couldn't do his job if he needed to watch me all the time. If he needed to watch my back all the time. He asked me why I had gotten too close to Gitano, how I could have let him so near me to cut me? He was all over me, in the station, his voice and my voice raised to a very loud volume. Our voices were so loud that Cragen heard us. And when he did, he nipped our fight in the bud. He threatened us both with suspension and made us remember that there was still a little girl out there who was with a psycho. And her life depended on us.

Somehow, we pulled ourselves together. But Elliot was still being an ass. He snapped at Warner when we went to the ME's office and then walked out, leaving me to deal with the fall out of his attitude. Thankfully Melinda knew all about Elliot and gave him a pass though she did tell me then that sometimes his brooding intensity could get tiresome. I was grateful though that she didn't take that brooding to heart then.

Melinda had found some sort of powdered chemical residue in Ryan's jacket and while I waited for the results of the test, I had gone to Morales who gave me information about the cell phone found with Ryan. Again, if you could call it luck still, we had a break. The cell phone was the one assigned to Gitano by his employer. And like many employers who didn't completely trust the people who work for him, it had GPS installed on it. Morales had been able to get all the places Gitano had been at every time he made a call. He gave me the list and immediately I started to go to all of the places that were on it.

. . .

_Elliot's thoughts drifted again and this time he paused the CD once more. While Olivia was with Morales and then starting on the list, he had gone to George Huang. George had heard about the previous day's events and wanted to talk to him. Not that they did much talking. _

_He pretty much let it out to George that he blamed Olivia. But then George didn't allow him to go on thinking that way. He had asked him how she made him choose her. How did she make him do anything? And Elliot realized that he was right. Olivia didn't make him do anything. It was him that made the choice, not Olivia. _

_Saying that out loud, didn't really make him feel better but then again, it didn't make anything worse. After that he didn't want to talk anymore and he walked out. When he got back to the bullpen, he was told what the chemical powder was in Ryan's jacket. Sodium cadmium something. And for once, Munch with all his conspiracy theories provided some light about the substance. Apparently it was a chemical used by the military in an experiment before. So now they had a clue what kind of location Gitano had been staying at. _

_He had called up Olivia then and told her to wait for him at her next stop. _

_What happened there was something he'd never forget._

. . .

Elliot runs hot and cold. So I wasn't surprised that after he left the ME's office without me that he was calling me again. He asked me if I had any military facilities on my list and I told him that no – well at least, offhand I didn't think so.

He asked me where I was headed next and I told him. A metal plating facility of some sort in Canton Road off of Route 44. He asked me to wait for him there and I did.

When he got there, I had already scouted and looked around the place. I told him that this was probably the military facility he had been looking for as I showed him a sign that indicated that where were was once under the Department of Defense.

It was huge, it was abandoned and we knew this was the perfect place to stash a kidnap victim. We called for back-up and then entered the building.

Like I said, it was a huge building and at first we didn't see anything. Then we smelled it. Cigarette smoke. Elliot indicated that we should split up and circle around the area. I agreed and as I headed my assigned direction, I didn't see anything. I started to think that there was no one there but then suddenly I heard a loud crash and took cover momentarily before starting out again. Then as I got around the corner, a shotgun went off and I dove to the floor.

When I lifted my head, I saw Gitano holding a shotgun and he had Elliot. He aimed the shotgun at Elliot's head while I remained on the floor with my gun still aimed the two of them. Elliot kept telling to shoot him. That we had one chance and for me to take the chance and shoot.

But of course, I couldn't do it! Was he joking? I would never be able to shoot Elliot. But at that moment, I couldn't certainly let Gitano see that. He had to still somehow wonder if I would actually shoot my partner to get to him or not. That uncertainty was the only thing I had on my side. But then of course, Gitano probably didn't think that. He knew it was Rebecca we wanted and if he was dead, we'd never find out.

I got up from the floor, gun still drawn and I started to engage him in conversation. I told him he was being smart and since he was being smart he should tell me where Rebecca was so that he could get out of there alive.

Elliot kept telling me to shoot him, so much so I finally told him to shut up. I kept trying to engage Gitano. I persisted in asking him where Rebecca was. And it was then I was reminded what a pathological liar he was. At first he said she was dead and then suddenly she may be alive. He really was sociopath and a liar. And I told him so.

Elliot continued to tell me to shoot him. That there was no reason to keep the piece of crap that was Gitano alive. He shouted it over and over. He shouted my name. And I kept aiming and re-aiming my gun hoping for shot at Gitano.

I think Gitano saw how much we meant to each other. Like George learned from Greenfield, Gitano preyed on people's weaknesses. And he saw our weakness. My weakness. Elliot's weakness. We were each other's weaknesses. We would ALWAYS choose each other over the job. I think even in the midst of that trauma and turmoil we realized that.

Both our emotions were running high and Gitano's adrenaline was surging. As he listened to Elliot shout at me begging me to shoot, Gitano enjoyed even more. He taunted me. Taunted us. He said I could shoot but I better kill him with one shot because his reflexes were good and he may even blow Elliot's head off right before the bullet hits him. So then yes, I would've killed him, but Elliot would be dead as well. He knew it. He knew I would never risk Elliot. Tried as I might not to show that, he knew it and he took advantage of that fact.

I tried to maintain calm and tell him that back up was coming any minute now but still he taunted us. He even said that if I didn't put the gun down then, Rebecca would have no chance and that he'd kill Elliot too and when that happened it'd be all my fault all over again just like it was my fault that Ryan died. He even asked me how my throat was.

But then Elliot spoke up. He told me it wasn't the same. He told not make the same mistake he made. And I think Victor saw something us that made him more vile. He started insulting us saying that we were a couple of screw ups.

But I barely heard him at that point. And I knew that Elliot had stopped listening too. Our gazes were locked on each other. Elliot told me not to make the same mistake he did. That it was his fault that Ryan died. I told him that I would have done the same thing. But it was like he didn't hear me. He said it again – 'Don't make my mistake."

And then we heard a noise and I knew our back up was here. It scared Gitano, because immediately he started shouting for me to drop my gun over and over. But my eyes were on Elliot and his was on mine. I couldn't look away and even Gitano saw that. He started going "Hey, hey!" But still Elliot and I could not turn away from each other.

Gitano started saying that he'd tell us where she was – how she might be still alive and I answered him. But my eyes weren't on him. They were on Elliot. "Where?" I asked and he started saying how she was in some van and that she may still be alive. But I knew he was lying and I said so out loud. But I didn't address my statement to Gitano. I addressed it to Elliot.

Elliot responded that that he knew. And I followed that up by saying that he was never going to tell us. The guy was a sociopath after all. He wove tales from nothing. Then Elliot replied again, saying that it was alright. I could see his eyes welling up with tears and mine were quickly filling up too. The gun was shaking in my hand because I refused to put it down, to back down and go with Gitano's wishes. But I was never ever going to shoot through Elliot to get to him. I told Elliot I was sorry. And Elliot closed his eyes then like he was expecting me to shoot him any second. I was never going to shoot him. How could he even think that! I just needed to keep Gitano on his toes.

All of a sudden there was another sound and then a loud shot rang out and Gitano was dead. Our back up had arrived and one of the snipers had shot Gitano.

As Gitano fell, Elliot looked like he was going to fall himself. He looked around momentarily, dazed and then his eyes met mine again. We didn't say a word, we just looked at each other. My cheeks were wet with tears and his eyes were red from the tears he kept at bay.

I don't know what he was thinking then. I didn't even know what I was thinking then. For a minute, all we could see was each other. All I could see was him. And then we remembered what we were there for. We started shouting for Rebecca and this time I was glad that Gitano was a liar.

We found Rebecca in one of the metal crates inside the warehouse. We got her out and brought her to hospital where she was found to be okay. At least physically. Gitano had spent so much time on the run that he didn't get around to doing anything to her.

As I left Rebecca's hospital room, I finally got a moment alone with Elliot. It was then all that we could not say to each other the past couple of days tumbled out. He told me that he knew that if the sniper hadn't beaten me to it, I would have done the right thing and taken the shot.

I remember looking at him in shock. I told him that I wouldn't have. I would have never caused his death. I remember saying, what about your children?

He replied that he didn't know – but that he just couldn't get Ryan out of his head. He said we both chose each other over the job and that could never happen again. Because if it did, we couldn't be partners.

I didn't think I could be more shocked then but I was and I remember telling him that I couldn't believe he was saying that .

And then he said…

. . .

_You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore, I don't want to wreck that. I can't take it._

_Elliot closed his eyes, as he remembered._

. . .

Then he stood up and walked away.

"What did you do after?"

I stayed in that hospital in that exact spot where he left me for about half an hour. I was just trying to process what happened.

After I made sure that Rebecca was okay, I finally left the hospital. It was night by then and I just wanted to go home. The case and whatever it was that was going on with me and Elliot had exhausted me physically and emotionally.

So you can imagine my surprise to find him waiting for me in our police issued car as I got out of the hospital.

We didn't need any words. We never did. We always could read each other that way.

I got into the car and he drove. To my apartment.

When we got there, he parked the car and got out with me. I didn't invite him and he didn't ask. But still he went up and I never protested.

We didn't talk the entire way to my place and when we got there, no words were exchanged still. It's like what happened over the last three days had rendered us silent. We were overworked, overwrought and overwhelmed. I think the reason it got to that point was because we suddenly were forced to realize and admit how much we truly meant and cared for each other. And I think that scared us. Especially Elliot who was still in this limbo with his marriage. I think he was scared that he would wreck our working relationship if he admitted and acted on his feelings. And more than that, if he did that, it would mean starting the painful process of letting go of his marriage and all that he had known all his life.

But I think there was also a part of him that couldn't deny it. Wouldn't deny it. It's probably why he wanted me to shoot. He wanted a reason to hate me. He wanted a reason to say no to me. To us. Until I couldn't - wouldn't and so - he couldn't.

And that's why we were where we were once again. I knew a year hadn't passed by and he knew that too. But at that time, I think neither of us cared.

While we can cause each other so much pain as evidenced by the last couple of days, we were also very much capable of giving each other the comfort that both of us desperately needed then.

Whereas the last time we were here, like this, he was the one who led me to my own bedroom, this time I took charge.

I led him to my bedroom and before he could even close the door behind us, I was on him. I kissed him urgently. I needed him to feel how much I care for him. I needed him to know that there was no way in hell I would have ever shot him.

At first, he didn't respond and I pulled away from him, looked into his eyes and whispered, "Please, Elliot. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Then I began to drop little kisses into his cheeks, his lips, his neck and each time I dropped one, I told him I'm sorry. I kept saying it over and over until finally it seemed to sink in.

He grabbed my face in his hands, cupping it and then said, "I'm sorry too."

After that, he was undressing me almost frantically and then himself. Once our clothes were all off, he crashed his lips into mine again. I could feel his emotions in his kisses then. And I knew the emotions I gave off were just as strong.

To be honest, Liz, I think that was the first night that we fully realized that feelings were involved. That this wasn't just like the movie anymore. This was already something much more than our original agreement. This was the first night that we allowed ourselves to let our feelings show to each other in our actions.

When he tore his mouth away from mine, he started trailing kisses down my body until he reached my breasts. He licked them and then sucked them hard, almost causing me pain, making me cry out in pleasure. But then it was like he had to have more and he started to trail kisses down even more and the next thing I knew he was in between my legs, eating at me ravenously. He grabbed my hands that were fisting my sheets in ecstasy and placed them both at the back of his head. Instinctively I pushed his mouth even deeper into me, letting him feel my wetness as I rode him hard, grinding into him. He put his hands under my ass pulling me even more to him. He was relentless and it didn't take long for me to come. And when I did, I shouted his name, tears streaming down my face.

But he wasn't finished. When he got up from in between my legs, he hauled me up too and told me in a voice that was almost angry to get on my fours.

I was such in a daze still from orgasm yet I wanted more and so I obeyed him. The moment I was in that position, I felt him penetrate me again. This time with his hard and thick cock. I was still sensitive from my orgasm just moments earlier and his rough entry caused me some pain.

He stopped momentarily when he heard me cry but then I got over the pain and I needed him to move so I told him so. "God, El, please!"

He grunted from behind me and started to pummel me hard. I could hear his balls slapping against me and my breasts were bouncing hard as he continued his punishing pace.

He grabbed me by the neck, almost violently but then when he had me up his touch gentled. He turned my head towards him and kissed me hotly, his tongue plundering my mouth just as his big hard cock was thrusting in and out of my wet pussy.

I moaned into his mouth and I could feel myself clench. I was close again and I knew he felt it. He released my mouth and I dropped to my elbows again. But then he pulled out of me.

He lay on the bed, stretched out on his back, his hard cock standing almost ramrod straight and glistening from my juices. He looked at me and then told me, commanded me, "Sit on me, Liv. Make me come. I want to come inside you now."

I wanted to obey him but something in me wanted to be defiant too. So instead of immediately doing as he asked, my hand reached out for his cock encircling it. I started to stroke him up and down, feeling my wetness on his shaft. Elliot groaned and once more told me, "Sit on me, Liv. I want to be inside you."

I shook my head and then before he could say another word, I took his member into my mouth and sucked him hard. I could taste myself on him but somehow that made me even more aroused. He cursed and growled as I continued to suck him and lick him.

He allowed me to continue that for a few moments and then he reached for the back of my head and pulled me up from him. He looked into my eyes and mincing no words, he commanded me for the third time, "Liv, sit on me now."

I looked at him, I knew there was a defiant look on my face and that he saw it because suddenly his tone softened as he then said, "Please."

I couldn't take it. I wanted what he wanted and so I got up and straddled him. Elliot reached for his cock and aligned it with my dripping pussy. He thrust up the same moment as I pushed down and with one long stroke, he was inside me to the hilt.

We both let out guttural sounds from our throats and I started to grind and go up and down on him. I voluntarily clenched my pussy and he howled. He grabbed my breasts, their fullness spilling over his hands. Then he moved to my nipples and pulled the,. I cried out, it felt so good. And I felt more wetness flood between my legs.

I started to moving on him faster and faster. My breathing was becoming more rapid too and I closed my eyes from the intensity of it all.

All at once I felt Elliot move and the next minute, he was sitting up, his arms around me and my arms went to his shoulders. Our foreheads were touching as I continued to grind on him. "Oh God, Liv." He whispered, looking straight into my eyes.

"Elliot." I murmured looking back at him.

"Shit! You feel so good. So tight, baby."

My eyes rolled back from the pleasure that was going through my entire body. His hands went on my ass now and he started to direct my movements. My motions were now frenzied and frantic and he met my every movement just as hard.

Then I felt his dick twitch inside of me and I knew he was about to come. I knew he wanted me to come together with him because the next second his hand was in between us, seeking my clit, finding it and rubbing it furiously.

I bit down on his shoulder, knowing that I was close to going over the edge and that I was about to scream out loud. It only took a few more rubs and thrusts and we found our nirvana. And try as we might we could not keep ourselves from crying out loud as we both shattered. I could feel Elliot spurting his semen inside me over and over as he came long and hard. And I knew he could feel my pussy squeezing his cock repeatedly as it pulsated, milking him dry. Our orgasm lasted long moments, we kept thrusting against each other, trying to keep it going for as long as we could.

When finally it was over, I collapsed on top of him and we stayed still for a few minutes. He remained inside me and I didn't move from on top of him. The feeling of having him inside me even as we were still and motionless was so good that I didn't want it leaving me anytime soon.

"Liv," he spoke up, breathless, his eyes still blazing and dark with want.

I lifted my head slightly and looked at him. "Hmmm…"

"I….I…" But whatever it is that he meant to say, he could not say it.

And I didn't push him. Too much had already gone down that day and for us to say anything more, well I don't either of us could take any more.

You would think that we would be done by then. But we weren't. That night, we were insatiable. We could not get enough of each other. Elliot and I made love everywhere in my apartment. We had never done that before.

I mean there had been that one year that it seemed we couldn't stop making love. But this was more than that. That time it was just the bedroom. But this time even as we got a drink or went to the bathroom whoever left the bedroom the other would follow and once we were wherever part of the apartment we were in, we'd find ourselves fucking. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, everywhere. It was almost like we were marking our territory. Making memories for each location and for each other.

I don't think we slept 3 hours that night. In fact, when we finally fell asleep but on my couch.

The sun was already high in the sky when we woke up. Cragen had given us the day off.

Our stomachs growled when we awoke but we ignored it. Instead of food we feasted on each other again. We still couldn't get enough of each other. Had it been any other two people or any other day, you would think that we were two people in the honeymoon phase of their relationship but I knew better and he knew better.

When dusk was falling, Elliot was still in my arms. We had finally had something to eat but right afterwards, our desserts were still each other. We still had not discussed if he was staying or not. And for a while it was like he was going to stay the night again.

But then I said something that I think spooked Elliot because suddenly he was getting dressed and getting ready to leave.

"What did you say?"

. . .

_Elliot heard the sarcasm in Olivia's tone as he listened. She was right, what she said then spooked him. _

. . .

Well as I was lying there with him after we had made love for the nth time, I turned to him and asked him, "El, what happened with Gitano and at the hospital?"

"I don't know, Liv…"

I could hear the reluctance in his voice to discuss it. But I wanted to discuss it. I never wanted to go through the same thing with him again and I so pushed. "El….do you think we're too deep into….this?"

The moment the words were out of my mouth, he had extracted himself from me. He got up and started to dress.

I had to admit I was hurt but I tried not to let it show. When he looked back at me he must have seen that I was upset because he attempted to answer me. "Liv, we chose each other."

"I know. What does that mean?" I asked him, still pushing, finally needing answers from.

For a moment, he paused in his dressing up and in speaking. I thought he was going to actually give me an answer. But to my extreme disappointment and sadness he didn't. Instead he just said, "It means that you and I have each other's back, just like partners should have." He smiled then, finished dressing up before he continued. "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was so late. I got to go."

I didn't trust myself to speak then and so I just nodded.

"I'll see you at work, tomorrow?"

I nodded again.

"Great. Good night, Liv."

And with that he walked out of my apartment.

I was in a bit of shock once more when he walked out. After all the love making we just did, he was just going to walk out? For a few minutes, I didn't move, almost expecting him to come back. But when he didn't, a firm resolve came over me. I got up from bed and took a shower. Once I was done, I got dressed and made my way to the 16th precinct. I was hoping that Cragen was there and luckily he was. I knocked on his door and he invited me in.

"Olivia," he said, looking at me expectantly.

I took a deep breath and then told him, "I want a new partner."

"You asked for a new partner?" Liz asked, sounding incredulous.

Yes.

"And did you get a new one?"

No, I didn't. I just got reassigned to computer crimes. Cragen wanted to teach Elliot a lesson.

"You told Cragen?"

No, I gave him a bullshit reason – something in the vein of what Melinda said – you know that brooding intensity.

"Did he accept your reasoning?"

To a point. He did tell me it was only temporary but he agreed that Elliot needed to be put in his place.

"Meaning?"

He wanted to show Elliot what it was like to work with him.

"And how did he do that?"

He brought in this guy - Lucius Blaine from Queens SVU. Blaine was like Elliot – hot tempered, hated authority and a rule breaker. Needless to say, Elliot couldn't stand the guy. They hadn't been together one week when they got into a fight.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Blaine mouthed off to him about how he now understood why his partner – me dumped him. And Elliot got pissed and threw a punch at him.

In any case, when I heard about it, I came to see him. And he asked me why I left. I told him it got too complicated. When he heard me say that, I saw him shut down again and he only said, "Thanks for dropping by."

Only that time, I didn't take his bait. I didn't pursue him or run after him. I just let him walk away.

But I guess he and I were really supposed to be partners. Because even as he worked with Blaine, our paths kept crossing. Blaine only lasted one case with him. And the next he worked with Fin and ran into me again. By the end of that next case, I was back.

And I knew he was glad I was back. And so was I. But then we still never talked about what I said that night. Honestly, I think we were scared to. Because even as we didn't want to wreck each other, without each other we were even more of a wreck. And so I guess it's better to be a wreck together than apart.

That was our seventh year.

And like I said before, we were partners for twelve.

. . .

_The CD ended there. Elliot had been so intent in his listening that he didn't realize that tears had been falling from his eyes. He remembered that Gitano case and what happened afterwards so well. To this day, he couldn't think about it without getting a painful twinge. _

_He hastily wiped away the tears that had fallen down his cheeks and glanced at the clock. It was nearly 4 pm. And there was no text yet. _

_Then and there, he made a decision. He had to try. If he couldn't get any info from the records section, then so be it, but he couldn't just sit there listening to these CDs without knowing why. _

_And with that, he reached for the phone and crossing his fingers, he dialed the records section of the the 16__th__ precinct. _

. . .

**TBC..**

_**Okay, first of all, I am so sorry for the delay in the update. What can I say real life can really get in the way. LOL. **_

_**Second, I really had a hard time with this chapter. Probably because season 7 was so rich in emotions for both Elliot and Olivia and I wanted to do that justice and I hope I did. And I really do hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and thank you so much for reading. **_

_**So what's next? We come to Year 8 and y'all know what that means –Dani Beck, Simon and the return of Kathy. **_

_**I hope to update soon! In the meantime, I'd really love if you could y'all review! It only takes a minute or two of your time - here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	9. The Eighth Year

The Eighth Year

**_Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine._**

**_If you see any typos or errors, my apologies in advance, I do not have a beta, so this is all me. Thanks and please do enjoy!_**

**_Sometimes we do things even though clearly it is going against all rational thought…._**

. . .

_Elliot hung up the phone, frustrated. He had been able to reach the records section of the NYPD. Unfortunately, his go to guy as it turned out was on his day off that day. The guy that answered his call wasn't someone he knew so he decided not to pursue it. At least for now. _

_So now, all he could hope for was for the texter to get in touch with him again. And he hoped he did. But for now, he could not do much else. And as much as his gut telling him something was up, at that moment, he decided to just obey the texter. _

_Sighing, he looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 5 – well 4:30 pm. It was probably too early for beer but heck, he had nothing to do. And the CDs were making him antsy and not to mention a little horny. _

_Olivia's narrative evoked a lot of memories. Even now as he put the 8th CD, he could not believe how graphic Olivia got with their encounters. He supposed it was cathartic for her. But for him, it not only stirred his memories, it stirred his loins. Even now, he could still remember how she felt, how she fit him, how she smelled…how her skin was soft…._

_He gulped as he realized he was getting aroused and before it could become a painful problem, he stood up and went to his kitchen. He grabbed a Heineken out of the fridge and proceeded to down almost half of it at once. _

_He'd had only a bagel that day and he felt the effects at once. Not in a bad way. But it suddenly made him relax and he knew he needed to. _

_He walked back to his bedroom with the beer, popped the next CD into his laptop and pressed play._

. . .

I hated the eighth year of our partnership the most. Let me already start by saying that.

"Why?" Olivet asked, curious.

That's an easy enough question. Your question was one word. I'll answer it with two. Dani Beck.

"Who's Dani Beck?"

. . .

_"Who's Dani Beck?" _

_Elliot could swear there was a scathing note in Olivia's tone right then. And he could not describe the laugh that he heard Olivia give on the CD just before he paused it. This would be interesting. He and Olivia never really talked about Dani. There was that one case that he and Olivia handled after she came back that he kept calling the victim Dani instead of Danielle - and he could tell that Olivia was not happy that he couldn't seem to get his temporary partner out of his mind. ._

_But they never talked about it. Never ever. _

_Looking back now, he wondered why they didn't. They were able to talk to about everything else. But never about Dani. _

_Well he was about to find out now. _

_He pressed play again._

. . .

Well let me explain first how Dani Beck came to be in Elliot's life.

"Okay." Olivet intoned.

Well after what happened the previous year and my being reassigned temporarily to computer crimes, an awkwardness came and remained between us.

And so when I was basically told that I had to go undercover for the Feds, though I initially resisted, it actually ended up being a relief. However, as much as it was a relief, I did not feel right about it especially on how I left. I didn't want to leave without telling Elliot what was up. But I was never given the chance. And Cragen was not allowed to tell him anything either. I knew Elliot would be both alarmed and pissed off when I suddenly just didn't show up for work. But again, I had no choice.

Anyway since they didn't know how long I was going to be undercover, Cragen had no choice but look for someone to replace me. No matter how temporary that post might be.

"And they gave him Dani Beck." Olivet cut in, putting two and two together.

Right. Dani Beck came in from warrants and stepped in for me, making her Elliot's new partner. When I came back I was told that Elliot had not wanted a new partner. He wanted to just work with Munch and Fin until I got back. But SVU – well we always needed more warm bodies so Cap could not afford to be a body short.

And so they gave him Dani Beck to partner up with Elliot. And…anyway when I came back…I saw her sitting in my desk and when I asked for Elliot, she introduced herself as his partner and the way she said it…I…

"Got jealous?" Liz asked but her tone wasn't questioning, it was almost stating.

Me jealous? I mean, why should I be? It's not like he and I were a couple.

"May you weren't officially in a romantic relationship but a new person getting in between what was even just a normal a work relationship could be cause for jealousy. And with all that you've been telling me Liv, face it, even before you were ready to face it, you and Elliot were more than just work partners."

Because of our agreement you mean?

"Liv, come on. This is all in the past, time to be honest."

. . .

_At first, Elliot thought that the CD had malfunctioned because all he heard then was silence. But when he checked his laptop the CD was okay. But there was nothing but white noise on the CD._

_He realized then that Olivia had lapsed into silence. _

_It lasted probably a minute before he heard Olivet prod her._

. . .

"Olivia?"

I'm sorry Liz. I don't know, I really don't. I guess I was threatened. I mean, who am I kidding? I was threatened and not a little let down.

You see on my way back to New York from undercover, I had even bragged to my handler, Dean that my partner and I were best friends. But seeing Dani how she totally looked comfortable sitting on my chair in my desk – well, it made me question that. And I questioned it even more when I saw Elliot approach her and touch her shoulder as I was in Cragen's office.

"Why were you so threatened Olivia? I mean you and Elliot had been partners for 8 years by then. You of all people know how deep his loyalty for you ran."

I guess in my head I knew that but in my heart…Liz, Dani was blonde. Kathy was blonde. In fact the two of them had a lot of things in common physically. So it was kinda hard not to be threatened. And yeah I know, I know what you're thinking. Elliot and I had this thing…that I was the one he ran to when things got to be too much. But I wasn't there, Liz! I didn't even say goodbye. I didn't even tell him where I was going. For all he knew I wasn't going to be back.

"But you couldn't, Olivia!"

I know that! But he didn't! And at that time, Kathy was gone. And it probably looked like to him that I had left him too. And Dani – well from what I could even figure out – Dani was there and Dani was the combination of me and Kathy. Kathy's familiar beauty and looks – blonde and slim while having my cop sensibilities and the ability to talk to him about our cases, our horrible cases – so can you see now? I was so looking forward to seeing him – to being back with my best friend only to see that I may have been replaced.

"But you didn't even talk to him, Olivia. How could you have concluded all that already?"

I don't know. I guess just seeing her at my desk. Her asking me what I wanted from Elliot – the way she said she was his partner. She was NOT his partner. If you only knew how much I wanted to say that back to her. Well okay, she WAS - but she was **_TEMPORARY_**. She was only there **_UNTIL I GOT BACK_**. How dare she say she was his partner!

"You were jealous."

Funny how matter of factly you say that Liz.

"Isn't it the truth?"

I guess, again in hindsight, I was. But I refused to acknowledge that. When I told Cragen to not tell Elliot I had been around, I knew he wanted to ask why. But Cap has always been professional and not the type to butt in and so he didn't. He just let me leave.

It hurt so much to see him with Dani, Liz. And at that time I didn't know why. I had this bad feeling that something happened between the two of them. But I never asked Elliot. Even after Dani left and I became his partner again. Even after he kept saying Dani instead of Danielle in one of our first cases again together, I never asked him. I could see that he was bothered that she left and he was bothered that I had come back out of the blue without an explanation. But we never talked.

"Why not?"

I don't know. I mean, on my part, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear that he slept with Dani. It was bad enough knowing that I allowed myself to sleep with him once in a while when he was also sleeping with Kathy. To ask and then maybe find out that he also slept with Dani – I don't think I could take it. Kathy I understand but Dani?

"But you don't know even know if he slept with her!"

I know but I just couldn't shake the feeling.

"But you never asked."

Never.

. . .

_Elliot paused the CD again, his heart pounding. He never knew that Olivia had encountered Dani. As far as he knew Dani had been just a name to her, maybe a picture. Dani had never told her about her encounter with Olivia either. But then again, Olivia was just a name to her, too. She never got to see what she looked like so she wouldn't have known it was her. _

_Olivia had sensed that something had been going on between him and Dani. She WAS always perceptive. But she was wrong. He never slept with Dani. Not that he wasn't tempted for a bit. After all, he was separated from Kathy and Olivia had disappeared. _

_She was right too. He had been pissed off that she never said anything to him. Yes, Cragen told him he could not disclose anything. But damn it, he expected more from Olivia. _

_It's amazing how she hit it on the nose with Dani. It's exactly as she had said. Dani was a combination of Kathy and her. At least at the surface. But then as he got to know Dani a bit more, he started to see the differences. And at first that was attractive to him. Until it wasn't. _

_He never slept with Dani but he did kiss her. But if he was being truthful to himself, he had kissed her because Olivia wasn't there. Had Olivia been there, he would have made it one of their nights. But she wasn't. And Dani was. And so he had kissed Dani. _

_He felt Dani responding to him after – but then he realized as well, if anything happened with them, it would be just momentary. And he was never just about being momentary. If he was, he would have never married Kathy, pregnant or not. Plus he realized too, she was just missing her husband too. Just as he was missing Kathy and Olivia. They would have made each other feel better for a minute but afterwards, they would have been miserable. So he was glad that nothing more came after that kiss. _

_He sighed. In a way, he wished Olivia had asked. But then again, given that period of time in their lives, maybe it was better that she didn't. But God, if he was given another chance, he'd tell her anything she wanted. _

_He snapped out of his reverie then. He was wasting time again. Once more he had that feeling that he needed to hurry up and get to Olivia. So without any further delays, he pressed play again. _

. . .

Anyway, I never asked and it wasn't like I expected when I got back. It was actually pretty awkward. Strained. We even got to the point of dishing out low blows on each other. I remember we had this case – the guy's name was Miles Senet and he and his ex-wife were in a bitter custody battle over their only daughter. Unfortunately, the things against Miles were stacked up pretty high. He was an alcoholic and a cocaine abuser who had a bad temper. We came across Miles because Valerie the ex-wife had accused Miles of raping her. But then she wouldn't cooperate. She wouldn't let us talk to her daughter. And we also found out - or a least Elliot did – that supposedly she had been sleeping with this guy from the law firm that handled her divorce.

Throughout the entire case, from beginning to end, Elliot and I could not agree with anything about it. I saw Valerie as the victim through and through. There was no doubt in my mind that she was telling the truth. If there had been any doubt in my mind, Elliot knew I would make sure that doubt is extinguished at once by finding the evidence. But I didn't doubt her. I believed her with every fiber of my being.

But Elliot didn't. He had this gut feeling that something was off. Something wasn't ringing true. He sympathized with Miles. Yes, he admitted, Miles had been a drug addict but things can change. And Valerie was taking that only important person in his life – his daughter. That would drive a man crazy.

It was then that I believed that Elliot's personal life was getting in the way of his objectivity. And I remember telling him so and remembering what I said to him then, to this day makes me cringe. He had said something about how no good cop would overlook any evidence pertaining to a case. And I had cut in and told him brutally, yes, especially not one with a dying marriage and a history of violence. The moment the words were out of my mouth I knew I should have never said them. It was a pretty low blow especially from me – his supposed best friend. My heart raced a mile a minute. I could not believe I had said that to him. But like I said, we weren't in a good place yet. I knew he was still pissed at me for leaving him without a word. And again, I knew that he probably likened that to what Kathy did to him. After all he didn't get a clue from her and I guess in his eyes, I didn't give him much of one either. And I know, Liz, mine was so different. It was a job. I didn't have a choice. But Elliot's Elliot. And I know that's what he thought.

"So what happened?"

Well after I had said that to him, can you imagine, I received a call from Kathy.

"His wife?"

Yup. She asked to meet me and I don't know why I did, but I did. And when we met, she asked me if I could convince Elliot to sign the divorce papers. He hadn't signed them yet.. I told her I wasn't comfortable in doing that but then she asked and I said I'd try.

Anyway, it turns out I didn't have to talk to him. He signed them all on his own. But of course, it was only after Valerie Senet died from the burns that were inflicted by Miles to her. He had been so incensed that she had accused him of rape that he had turned around and splashed gas on her and lit her up.

We apprehended him after he did that and even though she knew she was dying she never recanted that he had raped her.

It was after that, seeing how the love between Miles and Valerie turned into such hatred that Elliot finally signed the papers. At least that's what he told me when I went to his apartment at about 4 am. I couldn't sleep and I knew it had a lot to do with him and not just the case.

And we finally talked. He told me that Valerie Senet had died 20 minutes before my appearance. And I told him about a visit I got. It turns out that the lead he got about Valerie having a boyfriend from the law firm that handled her divorce was true. And it was him she had sex with not Miles. Miles had been telling the truth. He did not rape Valerie.

That bothered me and I told Elliot that. I said to him that I couldn't believe that even though she knew she was dying, she let us believe the worst about Miles. It was then that he told me he had signed the divorce papers because he never wanted for Kathy to regret him like Valerie regretted Miles.

Then we discussed us. I asked him if we were okay. And he said we were but that he just needed room to disagree with me without feeling he'd be sacrificing our partnership. I have to admit, I was surprised when he said that. And I told him so. He had never been shy about disagreeing with me before to which he responded to by saying that things change.

And they do, I guess. I mean, I think after I left him for computer crimes the year before and then going undercover without telling him, I think it made him a little insecure in the sense that if did or said the wrong thing to me, I might just up and leave again.

But I would never do that. And I kind of told him that to an extent. Something to the effect of who else would put up with me.

It was not even 5 am and neither of us had slept but for the first time in a long time we were okay.

"What did you do after? Did you sleep with him like you did before?"

Actually, no. Not that time. We weren't back to normal yet. We were on our way to being there but not yet.

"Did you want to?"

. . .

_Elliot heard Liv chuckle dryly . And it amazed him how her thoughts were all so accurate – from Dani to why he felt a little gunshy with her. All of that she got en pointe. If only they discussed it, instead of thinking it separately. But they never did. _

_Olivia had not replied at once to Liz's previous question. She had chuckled and then lapsed into silence. But when she finally spoke again, Elliot got a jolt of surprise and he had to admit pleasure._

. . .

Did I want to? Liz, I ALWAYS want to with Elliot. I mean can't you hear from the way I describe our encounters? I had so much passion for him. He could evoke such emotions and sensations from me. No one has ever done that before him and none after him.

And before you ask no - not even David.

. . .

_Who the fuck was David? Why did he keep hearing that name? _

_Elliot made a mental note to ask who that was when he finally got to the bottom of who sent him the tapes. _

. . .

"So you didn't sleep with him that year? You guys skipped?"

I didn't say that. I only said I didn't sleep with him then.

"So you did eventually go back to your routine."

Yes we did.

It took a few months but we did.

Actually before we had actual sex again. We slept together. I mean literally together. He and I had been sent home and he went to me.

At first I thought we were going to have sex, but somehow we didn't. And at that time, I didn't think about it. I mean, I was just glad that he was with me and in my arms.

"Why were you sent home?"

Because I messed up, Liz. I illegally ran my DNA through a kinship analysis and I found that I had a brother. And I found him because he had been questioned in a sexual assault as a child. His DNA should have been expunged from the system but it wasn't.

Anyway, it's a long story but basically I compromised a sting operation because I was so distracted and focused in finding my brother. During our operation, I had a received a call from Simon's girlfriend. That's my brother's name. The call came as we were giving chase to our suspects. And because I was on the phone, I misheard what Elliot said and our rapists got away.

Elliot chewed me out after and rightly so. But then in front of Cragen, he covered for me. And when Cragen listened to the tapes of our operation, he heard me taking that call during the chase. And once more he asked Elliot about what happened. And once more Elliot covered for me.

When he saw that neither of us would admit anything he sent us home.

A couple of hours later, I heard a knock on my door and there was Elliot. I let him in of course. Truth be told I was glad to have company, especially his company.

I poured my heart out to Elliot then. I told him how I just wanted a family. After my mom died, I was basically alone. Actually, growing up with her and with her being an alcoholic I was basically left to my own devices too. I had always been alone. And Simon….discovering Simon to me, even though his father raped my mother, well it was the closest I'll have to a family. And so even though I feared he had followed in the footsteps of our father, I sought him out.

"You thought he was rapist too?"

Yes. You see the police captain of the Jersey town he lived in believed he was a rapist. I had no reason not to believe her. But like I said, he was the closest thing I had anymore to a family, and so despite logic telling me that what she was saying is most likely true, it didn't stop from getting to know him.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, that night, we just talked. And for the first time in a long time, the awkwardness between us finally faded. It had started to ease that dawn I went to his place after the Senet case and during our talk this time around, it went away if not completely , almost completely.

It's so hard for me to talk about this year actually, because it was a year full of uncertainty for me and him.

The year before was emotionally draining, that's true but at least we knew where we stood in that year. With this year especially with Dani and my leaving abruptly without saying goodbye to him, we were on shaky ground.

I know you must think I am somewhat a matter of fact in my telling you of the events for this year and I admit to that. That's because I don't like recalling the uncertainty that I felt then. The jealousy and later on the extreme hurt that I refused to let him see.

"Why wouldn't you let him see it?"

And have him run the other way? I was just getting my best friend back and more than anything, I wanted to get that back. Which is why during the night that we were both sent home, as much as I wanted to make love to him, I didn't. I felt we were still too fragile for that.

He actually made a move, but I nipped in the bud. I remember it was so hard to stop. Once I had exhausted the topic of Simon to him, he had pulled me into his arms.. The embrace lengthened and soon it melted into a slow searing kiss.

I admit I let it go on for a few moments. Kissing Elliot – it was not something easy to pull back from, but somehow I managed. I remember looking at him and saw his confusion and yes, his hurt. I quickly reassured him though. I was honest with him.

"El, I'm sorry. I…it's not you….I know that sounds incredibly banal right now, but it isn't. Please know I want to. But I feel that you and I just got back to solid ground you know? We've had quite a year or so and frankly I don't want to ruin anything. Plus, I am emotionally and physically spent right now. I am not saying no forever, I'm just saying no right now and I hope that's okay."

The frown that marred his features eased somewhat. But there was still a note of concern in his expression as he replied, "Of course, Liv, it's okay. It's…It's just well….I've missed you."

I gave him what I hoped was a tender smile then and replied, "I've missed you too, El. So much. But still, I hope you understand."

Elliot paused and looked at me, I could see his blue eyes searching my face for any sort of clue that I was being insincere and I knew he wouldn't find any. Finally his expression cleared and he replied, "I understand."

I breathed a sigh of relief, as I smiled once more. "Good. But just because I don't think we should have sex, doesn't mean I don't want to sleep with you."

Elliot gave a small chuckle then and he reached for my cheek with his hand, cradling it. "You want me to stay with you?"

"Please?"

I remember the way he chuckled again before he gave me a small kiss on my forehead and replied, "Of course."

Grinning now, I simply thanked him. A few minutes after that, exhausted from our day, we went to my bedroom and fell asleep in each other's arms.

"Did you have sex when you woke up?"

"No, no we didn't. I think we both knew it was still the wrong time. But it was okay. We were okay again and that's the important thing."

Anyway, we went back to work that day and Cragen told us that we both had to submit to independent psychological evaluation. He told us he was requiring us to do this because he needed to know if we should remain partners. When we asked him what if we didn't want to comply, he basically said if we don't comply then he'll definitely split us up right then and there. His exact words were, "If you don't, you make it easy for me."

And so we had no choice and we submitted to being examined by Rebecca Hendrix. I don't know what she told the Captain after we were done, but I guess whatever she told him convinced him that we did our best work together because he did not split us up.

Anyway, back to Simon who had caused all this trouble basically for us, after all of that, the Captain in Jersey told me she had found DNA evidence that pointed to Simon being the rapist of the latest victim that had complained to them. Worse, she identified him and so he was arrested. I remember how hurt I was because prior to his arrest, he had even gone to see me and we had a night not unlike what Elliot and I had – a night of talking and getting to know more about each other. And when he left I was so happy, until I found out about the rape, until I found out that he may have used to so that he can be alibied.

Simon was arrested but then he jumped bail. And in my eyes, that made him guilty. But even so, he was my brother and so when he contacted me months later to ask for money, I gave it to him. But then I was found out by the Feds. By then my handler, in my undercover case, Dean Porter had been reassigned to the unit that retrieved sexual offenders on the run and he had been tasked to apprehend my brother . I lucked out in that regard. Because Dean knew me, he cut me a break and didn't turn me in. He gave me a chance to make things right.

I did not want to lose my job and reputation and so I told him everything. In the end, both Elliot and Dean helped me prove that my brother wasn't actually the rapist. As it turns out, the Captain in Jersey – Julia - had a vendetta against Simon. She thought that Simon had raped her sister when they were in high school and that she became a junkie because of that. Fortunately I was able to find that out on time and get to them on time with Dean and Elliot before more deaths occurred. I was really grateful to Dean then and especially Elliot. I loved him for how he trusted me and that even though he knew all of he had been doing could get him into trouble, he trusted me so much that he helped me and followed my lead.

After that, of course things could never stay quiet for long with us and it was Elliot's turn to have his world shaken up. There was this case that this guy after having been cornered and trapped because his mistress had managed to get a marriage proposal out of him and in desperation to get out of marrying her, he killed her. And then when we found out and his actual family finally knew what he had done, he couldn't take it and he annihilated his entire family and I know that got to Elliot. What I didn't realize was that it got to him so much that he actually went home to Kathy. When I found out about that many weeks later, it was then it hit me why he didn't go to me at that time. Because if I was honest, I was actually expecting him to come seeking me out – it was exactly the kind of case that would get to Elliot. And I was right, it did get to him, but what I didn't know was that for the first time in a long time, he went to Kathy for comfort and not to me.

Like I said, he didn't say anything to me about that – he did mention in passing that he and Kathy were talking again and working things out to see if they can be worked out. But nothing was set in stone yet. And knowing the history of Kathy and Elliot, I decided not to think or worry about it then. Until he was back in that house, I wouldn't believe it. That's how wishy washy those two were.

The end of our eighth year together was actually when things went to hell. During that time, it seemed as if the entire SVU squad was under a microscope and the squad was crumbling from under the scrutiny. It started out with a high profile case involving Fin's stepson. Darius was his name and he had supposedly murdered this woman and her child. Anyway, Darius defended himself and in the process he dragged everyone in our squad through mud. It came out that Fin had tested dirty twice while he was doing undercover in Narcotics. It came out how Elliot had covered up Kathleen's DUI. It came out that Judge Donnelly knew about this particular cover up and had to recuse herself. It came about my helping Simon during the time that he was a fugitive. It made Cragen look incompetent and it made us all look bad.

And in the midst of all of this, just before he was about to take the stand in court, Elliot tells me that Kathy is pregnant again. We didn't get to talk about It too much because we were in court, but I remember feeling my world crashing down on me.

I knew, I just knew that Elliot would go back to her. He would try to do the right thing yet again even though it made him miserable. But of course, like I said, we were in court, we could not discuss it then.

But that evening he came to me. And that time, yes we did sleep together.

Please don't hate him or me. I know he just got another woman pregnant and there I was falling oh so willingly in his arms again. And there he was sleeping with me again.

Funny, but he never asked me about birth control. And I didn't bring it up.

He texted me that he was on his way. I had been sent home from court, they weren't going to hear my testimony that day, only Elliot. So I went home. After court had adjourned for the day, Elliot texted me and said he was coming. All I told him was, okay.

Less than an hour later, he was opening the door to my apartment. He didn't say a word, he just went straight to me and kissed me. Hard and urgently. I responded at once. I remember literally jumping on him and wrapping my legs around his waist. Without breaking our kiss he carried me to my bedroom.

He gently put me down on the bed and it was only then that he broke the kiss. He looked at me and he whispered to me achingly, "Liv, I need you. Please."

I didn't say anything instead I just nodded and sat up, undressing him. When I had him naked in front of me, I could see that his cock was already rock hard. I hadn't seen it or felt it in months. Almost a year and suddenly I felt a gush of wetness flood between my legs. All of sudden, I wanted him so badly it almost hurt. Hurriedly, I divested myself of my clothes and moments later I was under him, completely undressed. The next thing I knew he was already inside me.

I hadn't had sex since the last time we were together and that first push, that first breach hurt. Elliot had a long and thick cock that my pussy loved. But it had been so long that I had to get used to him again. But after the initial pain, it was all pleasure.

We never stopped to think that he wasn't wearing a condom or how he might get me pregnant too. It's as if we didn't care.

He was relentless in making love that night. He made sure I came first every time. And I did – every time. I came long and hard. And then I would return the favor. And every time he came, he came inside me. He didn't pull out. In fact, even when we would fall asleep in between making love, he would try to stay inside me, even though he was soft.

I knew if I was ovulating then, I would have gotten pregnant. But I didn't care almost. And it seemed like he didn't too.

He stayed with me until the next day. Again we stayed in bed almost the entire time. It was like he could not get enough of me. He had to keep fucking me. I think we were in that bed for a full 24 hours. And we must have made love more than a dozen times. And I loved it. I loved how he kept going and going. I couldn't get enough of his cock inside me. I could not get enough of him making my body sing. I could not get enough of kissing him and touching him. I could not get enough of him moaning as I gave him pleasure, whimpering as I touched him and shouting my name as I squeezed his cock over and over.

I knew by the time he got dressed the next evening, he was spent and emptied out, literally.

And no, we didn't talk about Kathy getting pregnant. My pussy was so sore I could barely think straight but then I sobered when suddenly he sat beside me again and told me, "Liv, I'm going to move back in with Kathy."

My breath hitched then and I struggled to keep my voice from trembling and to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to ask him why. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him to be with me instead. But I didn't. I didn't want him to stay with me because I asked. I wanted him to stay because it was me he wanted. And because he knew that he was no longer happy with Kathy.

But neither was forthcoming, so I simply forced a smile and replied, "If you think that's the right thing to do, El, then I'll support you all the way."

He smiled at me a bit sadly and for a moment, it looked like he was going to question my answer. But that momentary inclination seemed to pass and he simply just smiled at me sadly again. "Thanks, Liv."

"Of course, El."

"Anyway, you know even if when I do, it doesn't change things between us,right?"

I knew what he meant. I knew he meant that he and I were still going to go on with our agreement . I know I should have been fucking mad then. I mean damn it, I hear myself talking about it and I know. I know Liz. I know it now and I knew it then. It was a fucking selfish thing to say. But I let it happen.

I don't know why I do that Liz. I guess sometimes, I'm scared to find out how it is to be dependent on someone. Not to be alone. I guess even now, I do that. And that's something in me that Elliot didn't cause though he didn't help it either. I mean when David chose his new job over me, I let it go. I simply didn't fight. I allowed it to have "never happened" when it did.

. . .

_David again? Who in hell was this David? _

_Elliot quickly grabbed a pen and post it from a nearby table. He wrote the name in bold print with a big question mark in the end. Then he stuck it on a space in the desk where he would see it and be reminded. He would find out who this David was. _

. . .

Well, those are all in the past. Looking back, I probably should have told Elliot what was actually on my mind. But of course again, it's in the past, I cannot undo it. I can only move forward.

After that, we got our verdict – Darius walked, I talked to IAB about what happened with Simon and Elliot moved back in with Kathy and when Kathleen was arrested for the DUI, he was there to help her.

That was our 8th year. It was the most horrendous year of my life in SVU. And even though the next year brought a very traumatizing event in my life, in terms of me and Elliot our eighth year together was the worst.

And I'm glad I survived telling it to you.

. . .

_Elliot had tears in his eyes as the CD came to a stop. Olivia had wanted him to stay with her. Olivia had not wanted him to go back to Kathy. _

_There was a part of him that knew that. But he also knew even then that even if he wished it hard, she would never say that. She would never want to be the cause that his family remained torn and broken. And so LIv being Liv, stayed silent. _

_Like she said, hindsight is 20/20 and looking back he knew that even though he knew she'd never say, he knew that he wished she had said something. Just like Dani, when she left had asked him to ask her to stay, he wanted Olivia to ask HIM to stay. _

_He sighed again. He was about to reach for the ninth CD when suddenly his cell phone beeped signaling an incoming message. _

_He grabbed at it quickly. _

_It was the texter again. _

_This time, the text message read:_ Elliot, please hurry up. Please finish the CDs tonight if you can. Olivia needs you. And I'm going to answer your question, she's not okay.

_Elliot paled and he quickly replied. "Please, what's wrong with her?"_

_A reply came quickly_. Look just promise me you'll finish the CDs by tomorrow morning. I will text you by 11 am tomorrow and you have my word, I'll tell you everything."

_Why should I believe you?_

. . .

On the other end , Don Cragen saw Elliot's reply and made a quick decision. He quickly typed out his reply and kept his fingers crossed that Elliot would now do as asked. Olivia's brain activity had gone down a bit today, not significantly, but the doctor said, if it kept going down…well….

She needs a reason to live. That's what the doctor said.

She needed Elliot. And Don hoped that he'd get there soon. Before it was too late.

. . .

_Elliot's phone beeped again and when he saw the reply, his face went pale and his heart started beating fast._

Because this is Don Cragen, Elliot. I promise you this is not a joke. Please don't try to call me now or go to the precinct. Don't waste time. Please trust me on this. Finish the CDs.

_There it was. _

_He texted back at one last text._ _Okay, take care of her for me, Don._

I will. 11 am tomorrow, Elliot.

_And that was it. Without further ado, Elliot grabbed the next CD and popped it into his laptop. Suddenly, he knew he needed to hurry. "Hang in there, Liv, hang in there." _

. . .

**TBC….**

**_Up next, the ninth year! Lowell Harris, the birth of Eli and more…all coming up!_**

**_To my dear readers, first of all, I would like to thank you for your continued support of this story. I am so overwhelmed and grateful for all your great reviews. I'm glad you are all loving this story. It touches me to no end. _**

**_Let me apologize for the delay in the updating. Unfortunately real life got in the way, but I am back on track so I hope to update again soon. I will have to rewatch Season 9 first for the next chapter, but my next update will be for Like He Loves Me. _**

**_Anyway, I also had a hard time writing this. Dani Beck and Kathy getting pregnant are not my favorite issues to deal with – that combined with real life, well it gave me a lot of trouble with this chapter. But in any case, it's finally done and I hope that while this chapter is not as intense as the rest of them – I hope still enjoyed it. Seriously though, writing chapter 7 exhausted me and from what I see on your comments, you all felt the intensity too. So while Olivia and Elliot can never be light hearted as say, Kensi and Deeks in NCIS LA, I wanted a less intense chapter. _**

**_Anyway, please do review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista_**

**_Thanks again! _**


	10. The Ninth Year

The Ninth Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**I apologize for the long delay in the update but once more real life got in the way. In any case, here at last is Year 9. Hope you enjoy it. And thank you for reading in advance.**_

_**If you see any typos or errors, my apologies in advance, I do not have a beta, so this is all me. Thanks and please do enjoy!**_

_**Sometimes, we only see what we want to see….**_

. . .

During the ninth year of our partnership, I went undercover in a women's prison, Sealview Correctional Facility. Elliot knew that something had happened to me there but I never told him what. When he asked what had happened in the basement, I told him, nothing and that I was fine.

"Were you?" Olivet asked.

No, I wasn't. Far from it.

"How so?"

That guard, Lowell Harris, when he took me down to that basement, the first thing he showed me was an empty dirty mattress. The moment I saw that I knew what he had in mind. God, I knew what he had in mind the moment he dragged me down that basement. But it didn't get real – not until I saw that dirty mattress.

. . .

_Holy shit? Did Olivia get raped and not tell him? He pushed the pause button, his heart pounding fast and loudly. What the fuck? Why did she not tell him anything? He asked! He had asked! And she said nothing! He remembered the time they had been together after that. She had seemed to be more vulnerable. _

_But he thought it was just because it was their first time together after Kathy had given birth. He thought it was probably because she felt that it was wrong for them to be sleeping with each other when he just had another child – and yes it was wrong – but well they had an agreement and unless she said she wanted out….and she never did. _

_Fuck! He REALLY was an insensitive, selfish bastard. _

_He was almost afraid to press play again. Afraid to hear what she had to say. But he remembered the texts from Cragen. Olivia needed him. And whatever it was that she needed him for – he needed to know everything first. _

_And so, with a pounding heart, he pressed play again. _

. . .

He pushed me onto it and I screamed for help. Fin was there as well as a prison guard to make sure that I was okay. But there was a supposed TB outbreak in the prison and what I didn't know what that he was stuck in line to get tested when I was dragged down there by Harris.

Not to change the subject but you know, Liz, I think this is the session I probably have the least to say.

"Why is that, Olivia?" Liz asked, curiosity in her tone.

Honestly, this was probably one of the harder years for me.

"I thought that was the 8th year of your partnership?" Liz asked, playing the devil's advocate, asking the difficult questions.

Our eighth year together was hard. That was true. That was because it was full of uncertainly. Dani...and me being gone. And the awkwardness.

But that wasn't the case in this year. However during our ninth year, yeah he was there but then Kathy was pregnant and gave birth. I was almost raped. I was the target of a bomber and I had a boyfriend I didn't tell Elliot about.

"Wait – you had a boyfriend?" Liz exclaimed, her voice clearly showing her surprise.

Yes, I did. His name was Kurt Moss.

"Kurt Moss?" Liz echoed. "Now why does that name sound so familiar?"

Probably because he ran the New York Ledger.

"Oh, him."

Yeah.

"And what happened with him?"

Nothing happened.

"In other words, Elliot happened."

I suppose. You know he asked me to move in with him?

"And of course you didn't."

What is that supposed to mean Liz?

"I don't know, Liv. You tell me." Liz's voice was calm, prodding, encouraging.

Elliot – it's always Elliot isn't it? I mean even then there were times I thought how unfair I was being to myself. I mean seriously, what would it take for me to give up hope? Kathy being pregnant again certainly didn't do that. I mean can you believe there was a time when Elliot couldn't make it to accompany her to the doctor and I volunteered to do it?

. . .

_Olivia paused then. _

_Elliot could only imagine the look that Liz Olivet was giving Olivia. _

_He never realized until now how much Olivia had sacrificed for him. _

'Bullshit, Elliot!'_ Suddenly there was inner voice that spoke up. _

"_It's true!" He started arguing with it. _

'Fine Elliot, you tell yourself that if it makes things easier to believe and bear.'

"_Fuck you!" Elliot thought silently. _

_There was no more voice then, just a feeling that something or someone out there was laughing at him. _

_He shook his head in frustration and then pressed play again. _

. . .

I know, I know…why did I do it? Maybe it was guilt because I was sleeping with her husband. And no - it wasn't a full blown affair, but still... By then I had slept with Elliot almost a dozen times. And you know we're not talking about quickies here. Once a year, sometimes even twice a year, Elliot lied to Kathy and went to me.

"Well, he was separated for a bit." Liz stated.

Yes, but that didn't matter...not to me. He was married longer than he was separated. The first night should have been the only night we slept together – even then I probably shouldn't have. I saw his wedding ring. But I didn't care. I didn't know him. I didn't know Kathy then. The moment he became my partner and I was introduced to his wife – I should have never entertained the thought. But I was weak. We had great sex that first night and well, call it a shallow reason, but I wanted that kind of sex again.

"You couldn't have gotten that with someone else?"

I guess, I could have but…

"Olivia, you have to admit it…it wasn't the great sex…it was the great sex with Elliot."

God Liz, just hearing me say all these things – was I that stupid? I don't even know why I let all of these things happen? I mean he'd ask me to go out with him for drinks? For what? Was it because he wanted my company? No, it was because he wanted to avoid diaper duty.

"Why do you sound suddenly so angry, Liv? I'm sure you knew all this before."

I don't know. I guess I'm just remembering.

"What?"

You know that I helped deliver Elliot Jr or Eli for short?

"Really? You never mentioned that before. Tell me about it."

Well that day I volunteered to take Kathy to the doctor – Elliot and I had a case. And he'd had to go outside of the city to bring our suspect in. He had established a rapport with the guy and so it had to be him to go and bring him in. So, I volunteered to take Kathy to the doctor. Kathy wasn't due for a couple of weeks but then as we drove to the doctor, we met with an accident.

"An accident?"

Yes, a drunk driver drove straight onto us on Kathy's side of the car. We were both unconscious for a bit – and I came to first. When I saw her not moving – well she was pregnant – so my first thought was for the baby. I admit I was scared. I didn't want her dying on my watch. I was able to call for help thankfully and EMS and the fire department was there almost instantaneously.

Needless to say we got her out and she lived and Eli was okay. But that isn't what really stood out for me then. And sometimes when I remember what I thought then, it just kills me and makes me feel so guilty.

"What do you mean?"

Kathy was near death twice at that time. First when we were it the car. I could feel her pulse fading but then the EMS guy guided me through giving her an IV and I was able to do it.

"Why were you the one inserting the IV and not one of the paramedics?"

Because all the paramedics that responded were big and could not get into the smashed car. And as I put it, I was able to get out - I could get in again. And so I did. Anyway, like I said we saved her.

But Liz, it was after everything. After I had taken her to the hospital. After Elliot arrived. It was what I thought after all that. She coded Liz. She coded. And I couldn't help but think, even as Elliot embraced me for being there for Kathy when he could not be, I thought – what if she died….

And to this day I hate myself for thinking that. It's just that when he got out of the hospital room and he saw me and he had this smile on his face – relieved that his son was okay – ecstatic that that he was a boy and then as I was headed to peek into Kathy's room he pulled me and hugged me so tightly.

You know that wasn't the first time he'd held me. But something about the way he held me then. It kind of broke my heart. That embrace – I don't know it felt different. It was like he didn't want to let me go. But he had to. Call it wishful thinking but I swear there was something about it that was different. I mean Kathy was right there. And in that moment that I was in his arms – in public for everyone to see – I couldn't help thinking - you know - what if? What if Kathy died then?

But then I knew that if she did, I'd have blamed myself and I would have never allowed myself to be with Elliot after that. I don't know Liz, Elliot just fucked me up.

I mean for God's sakes, I slept with him after he found out that Kathy was pregnant. And yet here I am, being happy for him.

Oh God, I hate talking about that day.

"Why?"

Because I think deep down, I wanted to be Kathy. I mean I wanted –

"You wanted to be a mother and you wanted Elliot to be the one to give that to you…"

. . .

_There was a pause again and Elliot felt his own breath hitch. He could not believe what he was hearing. Olivia had wanted to be a mother. He knew that. But her wanting to have HIS kid? That was something new. And it was wonderful to hear it now. _

_A little smile came to his lips as he continued to listen. _

. . .

How did you know that Liz?

"I didn't. You just told me now. And I took a guess. I woman your age…well…I'm sure you wanted that. Right?"

Right. But I wanted it with a man that I could not have. I mean he was married. He just had a kid. How could even think that? It's not like I'd be happy if he left Kathy right then and there to be with me.

"You wouldn't? Not even a little? And remember there was a time that he was separated from her. Why didn't you take advantage of that? Why didn't you guys explore what could be with the two of you? Why didn't you ask him about taking your relationship further? I know there was a time you tried to bring it up and he bolted but you could have tried again. Why didn't you try again? It should have been obvious to you by then that you had pretty strong feelings for him. And even right now, just hearing your side of the story it's obvious that he also had pretty strong feelings for you. So why didn't you ask?"

I guess I wasn't ready for the answer. You know what they say, if you ask a question, be prepared for the answer. Because while yes, you could get the answer you want to hear, you could also get an answer that you don't like. And I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared to hear him say that he wasn't ready to take the next step with me. I wasn't ready to hear him say that he didn't have any strong feelings for me beyond friendship. I wasn't ready to hear him say that he didn't want anything from me beyond what we already have.

"So you just decided to suffer in silence?" Liz asked, prodding her, still playing devil's advocate, refusing to let her off the hook.

I was thinking beyond myself Liz! I was thinking of him and his family! His kids – especially the newborn one.

"I wasn't talking about that year. I was talking about when he was separated. Did it never occur to you that if you had the courage to confront him about what he and you had been doing all those years, then maybe he would not have gotten his wife pregnant again?"

Yes, of course I have! But then Eli wouldn't be here and Elliot would not have wanted to miss out on having a son again.

"You can't miss what you never had and maybe if you had said something, he might have still had a son – but with you."

I know, Liz. But I couldn't. I honestly think that Elliot was not ready to let Kathy go then. Elliot's the type of guy that once he decides on something, he will go for it. And the fact that he was so reluctant to sign the divorce papers. That he even slept with Kathy and asked her to take him back, it only showed me that he was not ready to let her go. That he loved her. That he still wanted to give it a try.

"Well haven't you ever thought that maybe Elliot was scared of the unfamiliar? That he kept going back to Kathy just like he kept going back to you year after year for your rendezvous because of the familiarity? He didn't want to shake the status quo with you. And he didn't want to change his status with you because that's what he knows. All those years – you and Kathy gave him stability. But that doesn't mean what he was doing was fair."

I know it wasn't. It wasn't fair to me or Kathy but I think that Elliot couldn't leave Kathy or divorce her because he totally believes that divorce is wrong.

"Why?"

Because he's Catholic. Divorce is a sin to him.

"So because he's Catholic he's against divorce?"

Right.

"I'm not Catholic, Olivia but I do know the Ten Commandments and I believe one of the commandments is "Thou shall not commit adultery." And what he has been doing with you for all of these past years, even if it's just once or twice a year, IS adultery on his part. Because he's married. So are you telling me that he can stomach adultery but not divorce? Doesn't that sound like a guy who simply wanted to have his cake and eat it too?"

Why are you doing this Liz? Why all these questions? It just makes me feel bad. And Elliot is not a bad guy!

"Liv, I'm not saying he's a bad guy – you love him – that is written so plainly on your face – I can hear it in your voice – but damn it, you can't tell me he wasn't selfish. You cannot tell me that he was a model husband."

Maybe not, but he was a model partner.

"At work you mean?"

Yes and more than just work. He was a great friend…my best friend.

Best friends don't sleep with their best friends and their soon to be ex-wives.

It was casual – we were friends with benefits. That's all.

"That's all? Liv, look where you are. If that was all, you wouldn't be here.

. . .

_The smile he had on his face earlier was long gone._

_There was a pause and Elliot wished he could have seen the look on Olivia's face then. But of course, he can only imagine. Olivet was right. He was a selfish bastard. He had slept with his best friend without any qualms. He didn't even consider that he might be hurting her. _

_But he hadn't wanted to lose her. He hadn't wanted to stop sleeping with her. And if had thought and examined things, he knew he would have stopped things – at least until he figured out what he would do. _

_Then all at once, Olivia began speaking again._

. . .

You're right, Liz, of course. But that's in the past and wrong as it may have been to just leave things at status quo with us, that's what happened.

Anyway, it was just before Kathy gave birth that I started seeing Kurt. Maybe the reason that I even went out with Kurt was because I wanted to have a Kathy of my own. You know? Someone who is just mine. Someone I don't share with anyone.

In fact things got pretty serious with Kurt. He even asked me to move in with him. And trust me I considered it. Especially after this case wherein some frozen embryos were stolen. I considered it. That case made me realize like you said that time was ticking. I wanted to be a mother. And I wasn't obviously going to be made one by Elliot, so why not Kurt? Kurt after all was handsome, kind, smart – someone any woman would be lucky to have. But I wouldn't move in with him.

Kurt loved me though and he kept asking. And maybe that's the reason I was so eager to go undercover – even if the location was Sealview Correctional Facility. There I wouldn't need to face Kurt and his questions and his love for me every day. There I would not be Olivia Benson. I would be Kat, a lifelong junkie – actually it didn't really matter what cover they gave me, the point was, at least for me, as bad as they made my story out to be, I wasn't going to be Olivia. And deep down, despite the daily humiliation of living in a prison, that was something I needed and wanted for a while. Not only to solve the case we were currently working on, but to clear my head about Kurt.

"Weren't you scared? And I can't believe Elliot allowed that. Wasn't he supposed to be your protector?"

Yes, he was. And he allowed it because he knew I wouldn't have taken no for an answer. I'm stubborn Liz, I'm sure you know that by now. Even Cragen can't stop me if I really have my mind set on something."

"At least with work…"

Don't give me that, Liz. I know you're trying to get me to work all of my shit out, but that's not gonna happen if you yourself give me shit.

"I'm not giving you shit as you put it Olivia. I'm simply pointing out some hard truths. You ARE stubborn and you are a go-getter – but for others not for you. Just like Elliot, you are so used to helping others that you forget to help yourself. "

Wait I thought you said that Elliot was selfish and now he's not?

"With his job, Elliot is one of the most generous people – that's undeniable and you and I both know that. But on a personal level, from what you've told me so far, he's very selfish. Lucky for him that you think about others first professional or otherwise because if not I'm sure you would have kicked his ass a long time ago. Or at least I'd like to think so."

I know Elliot can seem like that, Liz. But he really isn't. He's one of the most selfless men I have never known in my entire life…

"Olivia. Stop it." Olivet cut in then, her voice firm and no-nonsense. "You know what I think you're doing?

No, but do enlighten me, Liz.

"I think you're trying to avoid talking about what happened in that basement. First you segued to talking about Kathy – and I'm not saying that wasn't an important thing to talk about – it is. But you didn't finish the first thing you ever told me when we began this session and that was about Sealview. And now instead of telling me about it, we are talking about Elliot again. Not everything is about Elliot, Liv. This isn't about Elliot. So please tell me about it."

. . .

_Olivia was silent once more. And Elliot's heart started to beat fast. He really wished that she had confided in him. He could have helped her through it._

'And what would you have done, if she did? Olivia probably didn't tell you because she knew you'd kill the son of a bitch.'_ That inner voice spoke up again._

_And Elliot was about to speak up to the contrary when he suddenly realized that it was right. He would have killed that guy. Which only meant that despite the detrimental effect on her, Olivia had once more thought about him first rather than herself._

_There was silence on the CD still._

_Then Liz spoke up again, prodding Olivia._

_. . ._

"Olivia, please tell me about it."

What's there to say Liz? I've dealt with it before. I already saw a psychiatrist and got the help I needed. I'm over it.

"Are you?"

Yes!

"Then just tell me what happened."

Why do you need to know?

"Because Olivia, it was a traumatic event in your life. And I am trying to help you find some peace. So that you can move on. That's the reason you're here, remember?"

No. The reason I'm here is because I am falling apart without Elliot and I need to not fall apart anymore. And this has nothing to do with Elliot.

"Well I think it does. So please, just tell me. You don't have to go into great detail."

What do you want to hear Liz? Did he rape me? No. He didn't. But before he even got that near to me he chased me all over that basement. I was hiding from him, but he found me. I tried to fight. But he was too big and too strong even for me. Then when he cornered me, he handcuffed me to this metal sort of fence. So I couldn't run away again. Then he unzipped his pants , took out his disgusting penis and was practically shoving it against my face. But then Fin finally came in and saved me. Thank God for Fin. If it wasn't for Fin showing up when he did, he would have surely raped me, just like he raped Ashley – the victim who was the reason I was there in the first place.

. . .

_Elliot just realized it – he was trembling. He could not believe what that bastard had done to her. Okay so maybe he didn't rape her. But it wasn't for lack of trying. And he knew something bad had happened. And what did he do? When he asked her what had happened and she answered with her usual, 'Nothing El, I'm fine' he had accepted it. _

_Even when she went to him later on, he didn't even think that incident in the basement had anything to do with it. _

_His gut feeling told him something bad had gone down. That's why he asked her in the first place. But he didn't have the courage to pursue it. In retrospect, he didn't want to hear it. He convinced himself that the reasons she went to him as per agreement was because all the other stuff that happened to them that year – but not because of this. _

_He actually had made himself believe that the bad thing that happened in that basement was that Harris tried to beat her up. And that was it. But now he knew it wasn't. _

_In a way, it was good he hadn't known till now because his inner voice was right. Had he found out and known, he'd be in jail and Lowell Harris would be dead. _

_He realized that Olivia was still speaking on the CD and he paused it. He needed a minute or two to calm down. His was trembling all over with anger and hurt for Olivia._

_So he took some deep breaths and went into the kitchen to grab a beer. When he got back to his room, he was a lot calmer and he placed play again, resuming his listening._

. . .

The one thing good thing that came out of that encounter? I was able to see that Harris had a mole on his disgusting penis and I was able to lead Ashley to think of that and lead her to identify her attacker as Harris. When we arrested Harris after Ashley identified him, the entire prison cheered.

And in a way, hearing the women of Sealview rejoice in his arrest, made me feel better. A LOT better.

"I'm sure it did, Olivia. You brought a man to justice. Not just for attacking you, but for all the women he has ever attacked. Including the victim that got you there to begin with."

Yeah, it did feel good. It was one of those rare moments in my job that I felt that I did good.

"You felt good for the victim – for Ashley – and maybe even for yourself because like you said you did good. But on the other side, it probably pissed you off that Elliot very willingly just let it go. That he didn't probe further. I'm sure at the back of your mind you knew that he knew you well enough to know that something was bothering you, something wasn't right. And you wanted him to draw it out of you. But he didn't. Am I right, Olivia?"

Why would I expect that from him? I mean, it was my choice not to say anything. He already asked. And I let the moment pass. While in hindsight, I could see where what you just said could be true – in all honestly, I never blamed him for it. He and I were the same in that regard you know? You can never get us to talk about something unless we were ready to talk about it.

So yes, while maybe he let it go a little too easily, it was also because he knew me well. He knew that even if he hounded me unless I was ready, I was never going to tell him anything.

"Why didn't you?"

I don't know. It wasn't like I thought he would see me differently. I think it was because if I told Elliot it would make it all the more real. And at that moment, I wasn't ready to deal with the reality of it.

"Okay fair enough. So what happened after Harris was put in jail?"

Nothing. In all honestly none of what happened there affected me until the next year. I don't even remember what triggered it. But let's save that for the next session.

"Okay, let's go back to Kurt. So you were basically seeing him when you went undercover and when Harris attacked you."

Yes.

"So did you tell Kurt?"

No. I couldn't tell Elliot and you think I would be able to tell Kurt? No way. If I was going to tell anyone it'd be Elliot first.

"Did Elliot know about Kurt?"

No.

"Why not, Olivia? I mean the guy was asking you move in with him. Why didn't you tell your best friend that you had finally maybe found someone for you?"

I don't know.

"Oh yes, I think you do. I think you did even then. You knew why you didn't tell Elliot."

I guess I wasn't ready. Elliot eventually found out, you know?

"How did he find out Liv?"

. . .

_Elliot heard Olivia snicker and he knew why. He actually found out from Ed Tucker of IAB. He and Captain Cragen had found out at the same time. _

. . .

"Tucker? How?"

Well we had this case. We found our dead victim was gay and he had been dating one of the biggest names football, Lincoln Haver. Anyway, this was probably was one of the worst lowlights of my career. Because as I was interviewing Lincoln's so called girlfriend – I had outed him. Anyway, to make a long story short, for some reason the press got wind of it and Lincoln was attacked.

Of course Elliot and I had been honest with Lincoln' people about my slip. They were okay with it at first but then, when Lincoln was attacked all hell broke lose. And the next thing I knew my gun and shield were being taken from me by Tucker.

When I walked out and Elliot asked me why, I didn't answer but apparently Tucker answered that question for me. He had told Elliot and Cragen that I was sleeping with Kurt Moss, the editor of the Ledger.

I don't know how Elliot reacted to that. I wasn't there when he was told.

"But I think we both know how you wanted him to react."

What do you mean, Liz?

"Come on Olivia, you wanted him to tell you to stop seeing Kurt. You wanted him to finally realize that he was about to lose you and come after you."

That isn't true. I would never want to be the one to tear his family apart.

"Why don't you get it, Liv? Any fractures and cracks in the family front with Elliot? NOTHING to do with you. And if you become the last straw to break that camel's back, then so be it. But you would still not be the reason."

Well, that may be true, but that isn't how I thought Liz. Even though I slept with Elliot once a year, I never wavered from that resolve. I never softened on not wanting to be the cause that Elliot left. If he left Kathy yet again, I wanted it to be not because I was there, waiting for him on the horizon. I wanted him to leave her because he knew that the two of them could not work it out anymore. That they were really over.

"Okay. But going back to Elliot finding out, what did he do?"

Well, when he found out about Kurt and what I was being accused off, he went to Kurt's office. Kurt later told me that he knew right away that the guy who had walked into his office was Elliot. He remembered him from the picture I had of the two of us in my living room.

"Wait – you have a framed picture of you and Elliot in your living room."

Yup – it was from a department Christmas party a long time ago.

"Going by that alone, Liv, I can see how unhealthy your relationship with Elliot was. I mean those kinds of pictures are reserved for family and boyfriends."

He was my family, Liz.

"Yes, maybe you felt that. But in reality, he wasn't. He may have been your next of kin, but he wasn't family. He wasn't blood, Liv."

I know. But I never really analyzed why I had that picture. I never thought it to be a big deal. And apparently it didn't bother Kurt either because he never asked me to remove it. Anyway, when Elliot went to Kurt's office – I also went. I arrived a few minutes behind Elliot. I asked Elliot what he was doing there. And both of them basically told me they wanted to help and Kurt even admonished me for not going to him first. I remember I told him I could handle it. But I couldn't. And I was glad Elliot went there and told Kurt to pull strings to make sure that IAB got off my back.

"And did Kurt get IAB off your back?"

Yes he did. But you know what I remember the most from that little encounter in Kurt's office?

"What?"

Elliot saying, "nice to meet you" to Kurt as he was walking out. He didn't really even look at me, but he said that to Kurt.

"I think Elliot knew that Kurt was no threat."

Why would you think that?

"Because Olivia, a guy that was a threat to Elliot's position in your life? You would have introduced him. You would have been proud of him."

I was proud of Kurt. I just wasn't ready to introduce him and I told Elliot that. Later on.

"What did he say?"

He said he understood and that he was just glad I had someone.

"He said that?"

Yes.

"And how did that make you feel, Olivia?"

At first, I was okay with it, but then a few days later, that comment came rushing back. By this time, we had solved the case of Lincoln. We found out that Lincoln had not killed his boyfriend, his sports agent had. And of course the motive was money.

Elliot and I were actually having drinks when we found out about this – I had just broken up with Kurt by then – I realized it would have never worked between us. And Elliot was avoiding diaper duty. He was supposed to go home already because Kathy was driving him insane calling every 15 minutes, but then a newscast made us realize that Lincoln wasn't the one who should be in jail. We acted fast I have to admit. And our guy, Lincoln's agent, well it didn't take much to get him to confess."

Another day more and Lincoln was out. And Elliot and I got to continue our drinks. But this time it was in my apartment. And it was then that suddenly the way he said, I'm glad you have someone came rushing back. He probably thought that I was crazy but I didn't care.

For some reason, I was suddenly angry. I remember asking him if there was any truth in that statement of his.

And trust me it was an abrupt change of topic from what we had been discussing. It was like a light just came on for me then. And I was angry. It felt like he was patronizing me, you know?

He looked so surprise then Liz and I remember a note of confusion in his voice as he answered, "Of course, I meant it Liv! I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who will be there for you always."

"Like you have with Kathy I suppose? Right, Elliot? Why is it because you're tired of being the one to be there for me all the time? Why did you say that?"

"Jesus, Liv! I didn't mean anything by it. It was just that. A wish for you to find happiness."

"What makes you think I'm not happy?"

"I never said you were. But let's face it, I'm the longest male relationship you've ever had. And you just broke up with Kurt who seemed to be a really nice guy."

I could see the incredulity on his face. He could not believe we were having that conversation. I do have to admit that it came out of nowhere.

I took a deep breath and when I spoke once more, I was calm once more. "I'm sorry El. It's just that I don't know I'm being crazy – I got scared that maybe you wanted to pass me off to someone. Especially now with Eli and you being back with Kathy. I thought maybe you wanted someone else to….

"To what, Liv? Take over from me?"

"Something like that."

My voice was very soft then and I could barely look at him. I didn't plan on sleeping with him that night. But that's how it turned out. Because after I had said my last statement, Elliot leaned forward and kissed me ever so gently and softly. Then he told me, "Never, Liv. I would never want anyone to take over from me. My wishing you happiness and telling you that I wanted someone for you was not about me wanting to pass you off. It was just that. Wanting you to find someone you could be with for the rest of your life.

And I remember thinking then, that I had found that someone. But unfortunately he's married. Of course, I did not say that out loud. In fact, I did not reply at all. All I did was kiss him back.

We hadn't planned on making this one of our nights. But that's how it went. This time around our lovemaking was not urgent. It was almost leisurely. He took his time with me. He made me really feel wanted and special. He touched me all over, kissed me all over. It wasn't sexual or lustful what we did then. It was sensual and loving.

Even when he was already inside me, he was gentle, tender, slow and there were hardly any cries that came from out of us even though the orgasms he gave me that night were probably some of the most intense in my life. In my head, I knew that the way he was making love to me was his way of apologizing for making me feel the way he did with that one comment.

But Liz, I wanted it to be so much more than that. And at the same time, I just wanted it to be just that. By our 9th year, I was so confused. But the one thing that never got confusing was the fact that in Elliot's arms, even though I knew he wasn't mine, I always felt better. He always made me feel better. In his arms, I felt that I could be a person who was loveable. And as unhealthy as our relationship was becoming more and more each year, feeling that was my high. And Elliot was the drug that lead to that high. And I could not give him up.

That was our ninth year together. It was the closest up until that point that I had come to telling him how I really felt about him. And I knew. I knew deep down he had feelings for me too. I did not imagine that. I knew that he wouldn't have gone to Kurt at all if he didn't give a shit about me. If it was all about sex for him. I knew that – felt that every time we made love – no matter how wild sex between us could get. You would think I'd have problems having sex after Harris, but no not with Elliot. It was because that's how much I trusted him. I knew that Elliot would never force me to do anything. He never did.

Well I'm babbling now. That's about it. We weren't off the next day but as bad as it sounds, we went to work and then we went back to my place again and did the same thing from the night before all over again. He called Kathy with an excuse – I didn't ask what while I was in the bathroom freshening up . When I got out, he said it was all good. And that was it. Another night full of gentle lovemaking. But by the next day, as we went to work once more, we were back to being Benson and Stabler. And at the end of the day, he went home and so did I.

Like I said, that was our 9th year. And with that we have three more years to cover.

. . .

_Elliot felt numb as the CD ended. _

_It was almost too much to process. In fact, if he wasn't pressed for time, he would actually leave the last three CDs for tomorrow. But Cragen was adamant that he needed to finish them for Liv's sake and his gut was saying that the older man was telling the truth. _

_But right at that moment, he really could not process any more. So he stood up, took a quick shower, freshened up and got another bottle of beer. _

_Feeling better, his mind somewhat less cluttered, he got the tenth CD and popped into his laptop and pressed play._

. . .

**TBC….**

_**The tenth year is next. Elliot finds out that Kathleen is bipolar, Olivia meets Bernie Stabler, Elliot's mom for the first time, Elliot gets shot in an undercover operation gone awry, a colleague betrays the squad and another one meets his untimely death. All coming up soon. **_

_**In the meantime, thank you for reading and please do review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	11. The Tenth Year

The Tenth Year

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**I am so sorry for the delay with this update. I have to admit I have been putting off writing this one – not because I'm stuck but because writing this story always emotionally exhausts me. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to write this fic and finally I was in that frame of mine. **_

_**In any case, here it is, the tenth year of Olivia and Elliot's partnership. I hope you enjoy this one as much as you've enjoyed the previous chapters. **_

_**Again, I have no beta. So if you see any errors – typos or grammatical errors – please point them out so that I can correct them at once. I know it's probably better to have a beta so I have another pair of eyes but I am not a patient person. And I like having the ability to post a story without having to wait for it to be beta'd. Anyway like I said, any mistakes just let me know so that I can correct them. **_

_**Thank you for reading.**_

Sometimes you just use any excuse to get what you want…and sometimes you stay silent even though you know you want to say something…..

. . .

I slept with Elliot at the beginning of our tenth year. I don't think six months had passed since our last encounter when we found ourselves in each other's arms again. I know that after all my confusing emotions the last time you're probably wondering why once more I fell so willingly into his arms.

"I was thinking that." Liz Olivet confirmed.

Well, I know I keep saying the same thing over and over. I had feelings for him. I was convinced he had feelings for me. Yet I never said anything. Yet I never stopped our occasional sexual escapades. You're probably why I chose to call them that now but how can I not? Because until we admitted to one another how we felt – that it wasn't just my imagination – that was all they really were. Sexual escapades. And I never stopped them because even while I was so tortured about my feelings for him, and what I thought of as his feelings for me, he had also become an addiction. I needed my fix of Elliot year after year. Conflicted or not, hurting or not, right or wrong, I needed Elliot very much in a way that a junkie needed their fix.

Anyway, why did I sleep with him at the beginning of our tenth year? After all that had happened to us already, were even any more excuses left for us to justify our escapades? I seriously don't know why we just didn't have a full blown affair. The only reason I could think of at this point is that Elliot still wanted to believe that what we have been doing all these years was nothing more than a fulfillment of our original agreement. I didn't dare even confront him with that. I think if I did I wouldn't have been able to stop myself and I probably would have ended up saying the wrong things and lost him as a partner, as a friend and worst of all as my occasional lover.

At the beginning of that year, one of the cases we were called to was not even an SVU case. Actually I was the one called to it and then I called Elliot. That may seem out of place with our usual protocol and yes it was. And it was because the case involved Kathleen, Elliot's second daughter. Anyway, I don't want to go into the details too much because that's Elliot's story to tell. But suffice to say that Kathleen got into major trouble with the law. And because she refused to admit that she had a problem – I promise it's not drugs – her lawyer did not have a choice but to follow her wishes. So things were definitely not looking well for her. Worse of all, Elliot did something that made the case against her much worse. The result was that Kathleen landed in jail.

I knew what was happening with Kathleen had to do with something with Elliot's family – not just with Kathy and the other kids but with his family – his mother and father. Again I cannot tell you what I did because I promised never to tell anyone especially Elliot and I will never break that promise. But suffice to say, I followed an instinct and it paid off. Kathleen was let out of jail because she finally admitted she had a problem and allowed the right people to help her.

. . .

_Elliot pressed the pause button. What did Olivia do? Who did she talk to? His mother? Kathy? Who? And why did she never tell him? Yes, he heard that she gave her word never to tell him. But this was him! He wasn't just anyone. Why didn't she tell him? _

_But then again, as shocked as he was right now, he couldn't be mad at her. Because whatever she did and whoever she talked to, helped Kathleen. And for that he was grateful. _

_He gave a sigh of frustration then. Suddenly the urge – the need to see her NOW was almost overwhelming. He wanted to call Cragen at the 16__th__ precinct NOW. Or even go to him. But he promised Cragen he would finish the CDs first. And as much as it frustrated him right now, he knew there was a reason these were sent to him and that he was told to listen to them. He needed to finish them just like he said he would. _

_And so with another big sigh, Elliot pressed play again._

. . .

I had seen Elliot in court when Kathleen pleaded guilty. He looked bewildered as to what just happened. Suddenly Kathleen was being released. And he had been expecting the worst.

I had walked out of the courtroom before he saw me and I went back to the precinct. I knew that he had asked the Captain for a couple of personal days and so I did not look for him at the precinct though deep down I was almost expecting him to show up.

He didn't though. And I actually had accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't be seeing him for a couple of days. Don't get me wrong, I love Fin and Munch to death but Elliot was always my partner of choice. I always felt a little less sure when there was someone else with me other than him. I actually would rather go on my own than with someone else. But it's a rule in SVU, you always needed someone with you.

Anyway, by the time my shift ended, Elliot had not shown up and I wasn't sure if I was disappointed or relieved. In a way, I was both. I was disappointed because I didn't get to spend time with him that day. Yes, I'm admitting it now. At that time, if you asked me if I was disappointed that he had not shown up I would have never said I was. And I was relieved – for him – because I knew after all the drama with Kathleen, he needed time to get away and just spend it with his family.

That was my mode of thought as I made my way home. But then as I got there and opened the door to my apartment, I suddenly knew the reason he hadn't called me all day. I SAW the reason. He was there, in my apartment.

He didn't hear me come in because he was asleep on my couch. He must have been really exhausted because Elliot was never one to not wakeup when someone walked in on him. But this time he didn't. My first thought was why was he in my apartment? Why wasn't he with his family? A traitorous thought even entered my head and my heart leaped. Maybe Kathy had kicked him out? A part of me prayed that she did – but even then I knew that probably wasn't the case. He was probably just there because he needed to get away. After all that was the way Elliot was. When it came to his family, he never one for confrontation until there was no other choice.

I remember sighing and I sat down at the edge of the couch of carefully. Still he did not stir. For a moment, I just stared at him. He looked peaceful then, snoring softly, breathing evenly. In his sleep, he looked so beautiful.

A sudden urge came over me. I remember it so clearly. I wanted to just wrap around my arms around him and kiss him. It would have been what I would have done had he been my official boyfriend. But he wasn't. He wasn't my official anything except my work partner.

And so I opted for another action. I reached out with my hand and I softly touched him on his head and began to run my hand through it, caressing it almost like a mother would caress her child.

Finally at my touch, Elliot woke up with a start. The trained ex-Marine in him made him immediately grab my hand, alert at the possibility that the touch he felt may be from a perp. I gave a little gasp not because he scared me but because he startled me. He blinked and when he saw me, he apologized, "I'm sorry, Liv."

"It's okay, El." I told him.

"No, it…it's not…"

"Everything turned out fine…"

"Kathleen hates me."

"She doesn't." I reassured him, reaching for his hand and grasping it reassuringly.

"Kathy hates me."

"Now I know that's definitely not true."

"She was mad at me for the way I handled things with Kathleen. I don't even know what happened in there earlier."

"Does it matter? All that matters is that she's getting the help she needs."

"I know, but still everything is not alright. I…I shouldn't even be here." He told me, sitting up, putting his feet on the floor and pulling his hand away from Olivia.

I was a little hurt but then didn't show it. Instead I just asked, "Why? You know you're always welcome here."

"I…I…come on Liv," Elliot ran his hand through his short hair in frustration and guilt, "You know why I came here. And damn it, for the first time, I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

"You could never get me to do anything I don't want, El. After ten years, you should know that by now."

"And what I want from you right now – is it something you want too? Because Liv, if it isn't…if this is getting to be too much, please let me know. Because I don't want another person hating me. Please."

I think what I did next surprised me him. He wasn't expecting it. After he had asked me that, I pushed him gently so that he was leaning against the back of the couch. And then looking at him straight in the eye, I straddled him and without a word, I gave him a long, slow and deep kiss. I wanted to make sure that all doubts that I didn't want all of what we were doing were erased from his mind.

"LIv…"

"Sssh…El, it's okay…"

"I need to hear you say it, Liv. Please. I'm sorry, I…I…I just don't want to fuck up anyone's life again."

A small voice in my head told me to put on the brakes, to stop that this was the opportunity I was waiting for tell him all the conflicting emotions I had been feeling about us. About the arrangement we had agreed to during our first year. But I couldn't or maybe if I'm really being honest, I wouldn't.

"Why not, Liv?"

Because I was scared, Liz. I mean yes, I know I deserved more…wanted more. But I didn't want to risk losing him.

"How would you lose him? He was your partner…your best friend…"

I don't know. I think it was the only justification I could ever come up with for continuing the…our…our…I don't even know what it was, Liz. I can't give you a term or name for it. But whatever we were, whatever it was we were doing then, I didn't want to stop it.

And so, I gave in and let him what he needed to hear. "El….I…I want this. I…I don't want to stop this. You're not fucking me up. Because when we…do this…it saves me."

"From what?"

"From all that we see and encounter, Elliot. It keeps me from just running away and imploding."

"Are you sure, Liv? "

I could swear his eyes were glistening with tears then. I swear to you I could feel his pain, his doubt, his hurt. "Yes, El. I'm sure."

At that, I leaned forward and started to kiss him again. This time he did not pull away. He kissed me back. His kisses were searing, hot, wet and urgent. His arms wrapped around my back as he pulled me tightly against him.

I could feel his cock harden against me, straining inside his pants. Unconsciously I started to rock against him. He moaned against my mouth and suddenly pushed me away. I gasped in surprise and in protest but then his hands were pulling my shirt up and then unfastening my bra. He quickly tossed them onto the floor. Then without asking my permission, he made a motion that lifted up from his lap onto the couch. He quickly stood up. The next thing I knew he was carrying me to my bedroom.

He laid me gently on my bed where he proceeded to finish undressing me. He left my panties on and then he quickly took his own clothes off. He didn't leave any article of clothing on.

Once more I saw his glorious manhood. It was hard and big and long. The ache I felt suddenly became worse and I couldn't wait any longer. But I knew Elliot intimately. I knew I couldn't rush him.

I remember clearly, I don't know why I remember this so clearly, it was such a small thing and we've done this so many times, but I remember that I bit my lip then. I bit my lip and looked up at him, silently begging him to just take and take me hard and now.

And maybe it's that unspoken communication bond we had between us that everyone always said we had that kicked in but Elliot somehow knew what I needed. Because the moment our eyes met, his hand reached for my panties which were now soaking and with one swift motion, he literally ripped them off of me exposing me completely.

Elliot and I often indulged in a lot of foreplay but that night, there wasn't any. He was inside me at once after that and he pummeled me hard. I could hear his balls slapping against my ass as he lifted my legs and spread them wide giving him room to continue slamming into me.

I bit my lip once more trying to stifle the sounds that were threatening to come out of my throat. While I held back, Elliot didn't. And every time he slammed, he cried out. His cries were curse words that suddenly became endearment in my ears. He kept my legs wide open and he stared at me as he thrust into me.

"Fuck, Liv, yeah baby…so tight." Elliot's voice was harsh with the lust surging through him.

Still I kept silent. I think I was half afraid if I joined him in his exclamations something in us would break. Something that was barely controlled would be unleashed. Elliot was relentless. I could see it in his eyes he wanted me to say something. He wanted to know that I was enjoying this. That I wanted what he was doing.

"God Liv, you feel so good. So good, baby. How can your pussy be so tight and so wet. Ah…"

"Shit, El! God damn it!"

I could no longer remain silent. What he was doing felt too good. It was always too good. It's no wonder I couldn't' let him go. No one ever made me feel the things he made me feel.

"Yes, Liv, come on baby, I want you to come. Oh God, baby please!"

He released my legs which I immediately wrapped and locked around his back. He leaned forward closing the gap between us – his face inches from mine. "I want you to come Liv. I want you to shout my name." His voice was a mere whisper but the effect on me was immense. It was a command. I knew it. Felt it.

My mouth dropped open. Was he really commanding me that?

"Shout my name Liv. Shout my name when you come." His words left no room for doubt then. He needed to know I wanted him. That he gave me pleasure. That I loved what he did to me.

I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't say no. I never could really say no to him. The rare occasion that I did, I always felt horrible after. I nodded and when he saw my ascent, I thought he would start pummeling me harder. But that wasn't the case. Instead, he slowed down and made me feel every thrust and stroke he made. I remember shivering and trembling a little. He felt so good inside me. Too good. Always too good. It was almost painful the pleasure he sent through me.

He reached for my right breast and gently he pulled my nipple. I let out a gasp of pleasure and then his mouth on mine. He kissed me brazenly – slowly, openly, his tongue exploring and exploring all the while he continued his slow thrusts inside me.

I started to feel my orgasm coming, I was near and I could feel my breaths getting shallow and more rapid. He felt it too and he knew what that meant. The next thing I knew, his hand was in between us, rubbing my clit as his strokes now became faster but still deliberate. He tried to keep kissing me but he couldn't and finally tore his mouth away from me.

I kept my hands locked on his neck and I met his every thrust, our movements now frantic and uncoordinated. Cries came out of my mouth and it didn't take long after that. When we finally went over the edge, we went over together. I shouted his name just as he asked. "Elliot oh my God, Elliot!"

"Olivia, God Olivia!" The volume of his exclamations matched mine.

I knew my neighbors probably heard us but at that moment, in the throes of ecstasy I didn't care. They could listen to us all night long and I didn't care. He continued to push and withdraw as our orgasms crashed over us, prolonging it for both us. When we finally came down and finished, he collapsed against me breathing heavily, his body and mine slick with sweat. But he hardly paused. It must have been less than a minute and he was kissing me again.

He was still inside me and he never pulled out as he hardened again. And once more, I was aroused and oh so wet and we made love again. Then it was the same thing. Same angry, almost violent slamming of his body into mine and when he knew I was peaking, he would slow down until he drove to oblivion. He did this to me 3 times that night. All the time never pulling out, practically never giving us a moment's pause in between.

I didn't mind. I didn't care. I loved it. Wanted it. Wanted it a fourth, fifth and sixth time. But while our spirits were willing, our bodies were not. We were too exhausted and at the end of our third go at it, Elliot fell asleep on top of me a few minutes after he came. He was still inside me as he passed out from sheer tiredness.

Exhausted though I was too, I didn't sleep at once. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. Yes, as you have heard me tell you before, we have been insatiable before. We've done it everywhere we could possibly do it in my apartment. But I have never had the experience with him or with anyone else to literally continuously make love until now. Aside from that I also could help but I think about the opportunity I let slip. He asked me if I was okay with what we had been doing. He asked me if it wasn't fucking me up. And instead of being honest, I told him what he wanted to hear. It wasn't because I didn't want him. Didn't want to keep doing what we were doing. I did. But it _**was**_ fucking me up. Because every guy I dated and went out with and eventually slept with could not measure up to him. And even if they did, I would try my hardest to find fault with them until I did. And when I did, I would use that as an excuse to end things with them.

I don't know Liz. I know what I was doing with Elliot was really messing things up with me and any guy that I could have a future with. I knew how messed up all of it was making _**me**_. And yet I still said nothing.

I didn't even want to move from our position. Even though he was getting heavy, even though he was already soft inside me, I did not want to move. It was only when I had to use the bathroom that I finally did. And trust me I hated to do that.

When I finished and came back to bed, Elliot was fast asleep but maybe he sensed my movement because when I crawled back next to him he shifted and his arms went around me. At last, I fell asleep.

I woke up several hours later to him kissing me and caressing me. When he saw my eyes open and he felt me respond to his kisses, he was inside me again. Elliot had a personal day ahead so he didn't have to go to work. I didn't know what he told Kathy about where he was the night before and I didn't ask. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to feel the guilt. I go through this every year, I should be used to it by now. But somehow I was and wasn't. It wasn't something anyone wanted to get used to – so I didn't. But the same time, I knew the drill. It was like our own version of don't ask, don't tell.

He made love to me twice that morning and when I made a move to start to get ready for my day, he asked me to call in. To ask for a personal day. Once more I should have said no. But I didn't. I called Cragen and I could sense he was reluctant to let me a take leave for the day since Elliot was also gone, but Cragen didn't say no. He knew I have too many personal days saved up and I never asked. So he let me.

I don't think we ever left my bed except to get the delivery that we ordered many hours later and to use the bathroom. We slept, we ate, we talked some but most of all we just had sex. Over and over. I don't think I ever felt so spent in my entire life.

He stayed the night again. Once more he fell asleep while he was still inside me. Again I have no idea what he told Kathy. I only know that during one of his bathroom runs he had called her and told her he couldn't come home. I noticed he looked a bit upset after the call but then when I wrapped myself around him as he sat down, his mood seem to lighten and we made love again.

The next morning, we went into our shift together. We made sure to enter the precinct separately. I went in first, while he went to get us coffee a few blocks away from the precinct.

When he entered the precinct, it was if the last two nights had not happened. We were back to being Benson and Stabler – he was back to his old self but just like every night we've spent together since our first time – I wasn't. Every time he and I parted from one of those times, I was just a little different. And after the last two nights, I knew that was true once more.

. . .

"_You have tears in your eyes, Olivia." _

_Elliot did not doubt the psychologist's statement right then. His eyes were wet as well. He couldn't believe that he had used his problems with Kathleen to sleep with Olivia. He had not only used his best friend, but worse, he had used his daughter as justification to do what he wanted – to sleep with Olivia. _

_Even though that had been more than 3 years ago, he remembered just as Olivia had told Olivet. He also knew that night he was feeling much more than friendship for his partner. But he couldn't admit it or say it. He wanted her to say it first that's why he had said what he had said. _

_He didn't want to be the one who tore his marriage apart. _

'_Wait, you wanted Olivia to be the reason you left Kathy? You wanted her to ask you to leave Kathy? Are you kidding me Elliot? Are you really that much of a selfish son of a bitch?' _

_That inner voice spoke up loud and clear. Elliot fought it but then succumbed. He knew it was right. God he didn't want to fuck her up but it was clear from all that he had heard so far that he had. That wasn't his intention. _

'_Why couldn't you just admit to yourself that you were in love with Olivia?'_

_Looking back, even now, he couldn't understand why it had been so hard for him to let go of Kathy. They obviously weren't happy together. They obviously both deserved a chance to be happy. So why couldn't he let go? It took him shooting Jenna to finally get to the point that he was ready. Why did it have to take that?_

_Even now he didn't have the answer to that question. Plus while shooting and killing Jenna finally got him to make that ultimate decision about Kathy, it didn't push him to make the decision about Olivia. It was only now that his former Captain had told him she needed him that he was facing all of it. Why did it have to take that. _

'_I guess you had to be ready Elliot.' Suddenly the voice inside his head wasn't condemning. Maybe it was his way of assuaging his conscience. But whatever it was, that thought popped in his head. _

_But what this something you were ever ready for? Love, lust, disaster, beginnings and endings – those were all choices and decisions. While you didn't choose who you fell for, it IS a decision on one's part to pursue them, to love them, to be with them. He didn't choose to fall for Olivia. But he did. And he had postponed making the inevitable decision of loving her for far too long. He had so much regret doing that. But he couldn't do anything about the past now. He can only move on from this point on. And at this point in time, if he trusted his Captain – yes, he still thought of Cragen as his commanding officer- and he did trust him – he needed to do this finish the tapes. Know everything he needed to know and finally make the choice to love her or not. Because he did believe Cragen. Cragen had basically told him he needed to be in or out all the way for Olivia. No more half way shit. She needed him. But if he chose to respond to that, he needed to be in all the way. And the only way to decide that was through these CDs. _

_He knew in his gut, he was already in all the way. There was no more question about that. The only thing that remained is that he knew everything so that when he faced Olivia finally he knew where she stood. _

_Sighing once more and more determined now to finish the CDs quick, he pressed play again. _

. . .

After a few days, things became normal again with Elliot and I.

"Normal?"

Yeah, you could say there was a sort of awkwardness between us after. Don't get me wrong, to an outside person nothing was different between us. And I know I said that the morning after we had gone back to being Benson and Stabler again. And we did. For most part. But then maybe it was just me, but I sensed a sort of – for lack of a better word – I'll use awkwardness again. I think Elliot felt that there had been too much emotion, too much feelings let out the last time. And he would have been right. Too much was an operative phrase with us. And so I don't know why I would have sensed that. Too much was normal with us. But then it faded. I guess after doing what had been doing for so long, we got used to it. And so life in SVU went on.

I honestly was able to push away any iota of guilt in continuing with Elliot – until the one day that Elliot brought Dickie to the precinct. It was the first time he had done that in a long time. And when I saw him, it gave me a jolt. It reminded me of who Elliot was not just to me but who he was and is. He was the father of four grown children. Children that may actually get in the crossfire should things get messy – if we were ever found out. Of course the chances of that were slim to none since we weren't an ongoing affair.

"But didn't you just see Kathleen?"

Yes, I did and it was strange. Maybe because I was too involved in helping her to think of her father and me but there you go the guilt that I had strangely managed to keep at bay while dealing with Kathleen came at me full force the day that Elliot walked in with Dickie.

"Did you guys ever talk about your nights together at all? I mean not a deep conversation wherein you analyze your feelings but just talk about it?"

No. Never. We never talked about it. In hindsight, I think we both thought that if we didn't talk about it, it never really happened. And if it never really happened, then there was nothing to talk about.

"Alright."

It was easier that way Liz. I refused to think too much about what our times together meant. Because the moment I did, the moment I would even try to take that step that in confiding in him, either I got too scared or like during the seventh year of our partnership, I was ignored and he would run. I didn't want that to happen again. And so I just tried not to dwell on our times together. It was after all once a year. Twice at the most. So it shouldn't be a big deal. It wasn't like it was an ongoing affair.

Don't give me that look Liz. I know what you're thinking. Just because it was a once or twice a year thing doesn't mean it wasn't an ongoing affair. But you know what? NOW, I agree with you. It WAS an ongoing affair. Mostly an emotional one but it was. But I'm trying to tell you the way I was thinking THEN and AT THAT TIME, I didn't think of it as an affair."

"You mean you refused to."

Whatever. Whether I truly thought that or just refused to see that way, at that time I didn't label it an affair. I just thought of it simply as an agreement becoming complicated.

Anyway, the reason that Elliot had brought Dickie was because we had been working on a case with an ex-Marine who became an astronaut, Col. Richard Finley. As a teenager, Elliot had idolized him because he also wanted to travel to outer space. After all, what teenage boy during those times didn't? Added to that, Col. Finley was from the same high school as Elliot in Bayside. Anyway, Elliot named Dickie after Col. Finley and he had wanted him to meet the man he was named after.

Col. Finley captivated me too. Yes, he was an older man – heck he already had white hair. I remember when he introduced me to him I asked Elliot why he never told me he knew an astronaut and Elliot said, "Like I need the competition."

"Competition?"

Yes, I thought that too. But at that time, for the first time in a long time, I didn't pay much attention to Elliot. I could see Col. Finley looking at me with interest. I'm sure you know how it is. You just know when a man is interested in you. And he was interested in me.

Anyway, Col. Finley knew the victim whose death and sexual assault we were investigating and he offered to help us with our case. Elliot and I accepted gratefully. For Elliot it was almost a return to innocence. A return to that time in high school before he got Kathy pregnant and his future was before him.

For me…well…he was a celebrity. I mean yeah he wasn't George Clooney or Brad Pitt or whoever but he was someone famous. And famous for something substantial at that. He was someone intelligent and very respected in his field. More than his good looks, it was his achievements that made Col. Finley attractive in my eyes.

Anyway, to make a long story short – Col. Finley asked Elliot if he was sleeping with me. Elliot told him no and that he was married. I knew I shouldn't have been hurt when he said that, after all he only did that to protect our partnership but I was a bit upset anyway.

Col. Finley or Dick as he liked to be called, took that as Elliot's go ahead – that it was okay to ask me out. And he did.

"Did you say yes?"

Yes, I did. And for the first time in a while, I was excited. You have to understand – aside from the stress of dealing with Elliot and our cases, I was also dealing with my PTSD. I had started seeing a therapist at the beginning of our tenth year and I was getting better. But I still had my bad days. And I think that was another thing that kept me with Elliot. You see with him, I felt safe. I could forget what happened to me. He was the only one who could do that, you see. But even he could not keep my demons out every time. So the fact that I felt excited to go out with Dick, surprised me. And I felt elated that I actually felt that.

But our date never happened. On the night that I was supposed to go out with him – Dickie had made a remark that made Elliot think. Our victim – the one whose case we had been getting assistance from Dick was supposed to replace Dick on the flight to the moon. To go to the moon had always been his dream and now this young woman had taken it away from him. And because of that, in rage, he had killed her. When Elliot confronted him, things had escalated. They started fighting and punching each other. According to Elliot scathing words were thrown back and forth. But that said, at the end of the day, Elliot was able to extract a confession from Col. Finley.

When I finally arrived at the hotel for our date, all I saw was Elliot, bloodied and upset and Dick being taken into custody. I remember that I forgot all about Dick then and I asked Elliot if he was okay. I no longer cared if Dick was okay. And I didn't even know what happened and all I knew Elliot was hurt and he was upset.

He told me he wasn't okay and that everything was not fine. But instead of coming with me or telling me more, he walked away.

I didn't pursue him then. I knew that he'd tell me when he was ready. And he did a couple of days later. No, we didn't end up in bed because of that. I think for the first time in a long time, he and I just went out as friends – with no intention of ending up in bed and I just listened.

It felt good to be able to do that again. It felt good to know we were still capable of being there for each other without having to resort to fucking each other's brains out.

I guess I should tell you that there were two other cases that stood out the most for me that year and they stood out because in both of them, Elliot almost died. The first one wasn't even supposed to be an SVU case. I don't know why we got caught up in it. Probably because being mauled by an animal – that was what happened to the victim – was an SVU case. That alone. But the smuggling of rare animals that we stumbled upon wasn't. But whatever the case may have been, we ended up handling it. And because we did it forced Elliot to go undercover as a dirty customs agent who volunteered to be the watchdog and the person who smoothed things out in customs for the smugglers.

That case happened so fast and Elliot had to go undercover so quick that it became my job to tell Kathy that Elliot wasn't coming home because of it. I did not relish the task. But as his partner, it was my job to tell her.

Liz she almost left him again that night. She grabbed Eli and her bag and though a part of me was dying to just let her go, I knew also that I would never let her leave Elliot. Not like that anyway. So I begged her to stay. Pointed out to her that she was making her decision in haste and in anger – and finally she saw the logic of what I said and put her bags down. Outwardly I had breathed a sigh of relief but I have to admit that a part of me silently begged her to defy me. But Kathy loved Elliot – loves Elliot. I knew that once I got past her anger she would stay. But nevertheless just to calm her further, I promised her I would tell Elliot myself that she had been informed already.

Anyway, once I had done my duty with Kathy, I tried calling Elliot at the cell phone we had given him for the operation. Unfortunately, what we didn't know that Bushido – the guy he was pretending to work with and his henchman, Tybor had taken the phone from him and had given him a new phone. I didn't know either that they had forbidden him to contact anyone. Basically they had told Elliot they owned his ass from that point on.

Of course, I knew where we had stashed Elliot. I was his partner. It was my job to know these things. So when I couldn't reach him, I made the quick decision to go to the apartment where we had situated him.

It was late when I got there and when I arrived Elliot had been asleep. He quickly pulled me inside. I saw that he was only wearing his boxer briefs and normally that would have totally gotten a rise out of me. But the way he pulled me inside and the way he said that they were watching didn't allow me to think of anything but his safety at that moment. I told him that Kathy knew but that she was angry. I told him further that if he went undercover again without telling her first that he be safer undercover than in his own house. Of course Elliot went on the defensive then – all the while looking around the house, afraid that he was being watched. He said what was he supposed to do? Tell the bad guys he needed to go home for diaper duty?

Of course I understood his dilemma. I was a cop too. I was his partner. This was our job. But then again, that was me. Kathy is not a cop. So even though on some level she understood that Elliot had a job to do, there were so many things that we knew we couldn't expect her to understand.

Anyway, I just let him talk. We weren't able to talk a lot anyways because then there was a loud knock on his door. I knew it was Bushido and his guy. I ran inside the bathroom to hide while Elliot took care of them.

If we thought that we would be able to play off that no one was with him, we were dead wrong. Mostly because I had left my jacket on his floor in my rush to get to the bathroom. I was listening from inside it and when I heard what was transpiring outside I made a split second decision. I took off my top then deliberately flushed the toilet. Then I exited and ran up to Elliot putting my arms around his neck and asked if "Daddy was ready for me." Basically I played a hooker and thankfully they bought it.

I was rushed out. They didn't even let me get dressed before they slammed the door behind me. After I had finished getting dressed again, I decided to stick around. I got worried about Elliot. I didn't like the looks of those men. Of course they were criminals and I never liked the looks of criminals. But something about them told me to stick around.

I was glad I did. A few minutes later, I saw Bushido and Elliot leave in a pick-up. I followed them at a safe distance, determined to keep Elliot in sight. Something told me to make sure that I didn't lose sight of Elliot.

I'm glad I listened to my instincts because Bushido brought Elliot to what Elliot later on told me was the place where they kept the animals. He made an excuse to get Elliot out of the car and when Elliot did what he was told, Bushido shot him, twice.

It was a good thing that people saw him on the ground and they didn't leave him. When I got there I immediately called for a bus. Thankfully Elliot was okay . One of the bullets was a through and through and missed major organs while the other one just lodged in his bicep and they took that out.

I wanted to cry when they brought him to the hospital but I couldn't. I thought that if I cried, I would not have stopped. And then I wanted to cry again when the doctor told me he was okay and already demanding to be released. But again, I couldn't. Elliot was awake and I did not want to explain to him why I was crying when he was okay. I managed to hold back my tears then.

But I couldn't hold them back when I got home that night. Liz, I cried and cried because I realized then that if Elliot died I would have probably lost it. I really would have. I would have probably blamed myself and I would have never forgiven myself.

I was never much for religion, but that night, I actually said a prayer of thanks. I was so happy that Elliot was okay.

Anyway, after that happened, everyone went on offensive mode. We raided the warehouse where the animals were kept. We issued a release that a customs agent was killed so that we didn't blow his cover. But when we finally caught up to Bushido, Elliot was there of course. He wanted Bushido to know that he had not killed him. And that he was going to send him to prison for a long long time.

I also caught up with Tybor – Bushido's henchman. As I was giving chase he almost went over the rooftop and died. But then as I was deciding whether to let him fall or not – I had grabbed hold of him – and it was hard to keep a grasp – he told me he was undercover. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and when I pulled him up he proved it.

As we were taking both men into custody – in the case of Tybor – we needed to because he needed the high profile conviction for his case – Elliot went up to him and asked if he had any message for his family. And Tybor bitterly replied that he had lost his family a long time ago.

That made Elliot think. I know it did. It also made me think.

It made me scared that he wouldn't want me anymore. Not because I did anything wrong but I think that jolted him into the realization that his job may cost him his family. And I was part of his job. Our agreement was because of our job. In hindsight, I know I was thinking irrationally but I couldn't help it. After seeing him shot and thinking that I could have lost him, I now wanted to be sure that I never did. But then when it came down to it – if he had to choose between his family and his job – he'd choose his family leaving me along with the job. Ironic huh? Cause that's exactly what happened eventually. But that's getting ahead of my story.

Anyway, suffice to say all of that had a big impact on me. The PTSD that I suffered from after the incident with Harris – the PTSD that was finally getting better – suddenly returned in full force. So much so that when we had a case that involved yet another Marine – and Elliot – I don't remember exactly where he was then – Quantico I think? I'm not sure – for the life of me Liz, I can't remember right now. But whatever, the point was he wasn't there. And I had to partner up with Fin. Ironically, it was only Fin who knew what had happened to me in the basement with Harris the year before. And yet even with that, I still felt insecure without Elliot. Something in this case made my PTSD worse. And it was already bad to begin with. It got to be that when we confronted a suspect of the murder of this pregnant ex-Marine, I almost shot him.

Thankfully Fin was there and he was able to pull me out of that trance when the episode hit me. And the Marine fortunately did not press charges against me. I remember his name till now. It was Dominic Pruitt. I almost imagined how he was - is how Elliot was when he was in the service. After the case was done, I talked to him. And I told him why I acted the way I did. He accepted my apology and that was that.

After that I went back into more intensive therapy and I'm glad to say that after that, things at least with my PTSD got only better.

The last case of that year that really stands out in my head involved one of our own getting killed. It is also the case that brought us together for the second time that year.

"Who was killed?"

O'Halloran.

"Who was that?"

He was a CSU tech that we worked with for so many years. I still feel sad every time I think of him.

The case that led to O'Halloran's death and plus another two more actually started with a death –a murder as well. At first it started out to be an ideal case. Of course a murder is never ideal but it was ideal because everything started falling into place at once. We found a viable suspect in Peter Harrison at once. He was a guy who had been doing community service in Central Park for menacing. Since he was the most likely suspect Elliot and I ran with him. When we got to his apartment that was when we learned that he was disturbed. After consulting with Huang we basically learned that he was a paranoid and that he likely had a psychotic break when he had murdered the tourist and a young mother in Central Park. Anyway we found out that being a tourist his victim had been taking pictures and when he saw that he thought that she was taking pictures of him for a sinister purpose and that's when he murdered her.

Anyway, the case was pretty much open and shut. When we executed a search warrant on Harrison's apartment we found the bloody knife he had used on his victim. That together with his mental state our case would have been a slam dunk but then Stuckey happened. He made a mistake and mixed samples by putting them in the same evidence bag thereby tainting our evidence. And our slam dunk goes out the window. So when Peter Harrison faced Donnelly during arraignment she had no choice but to let him go. Basically, thanks to Dale, he got off on a technicality.

When that happened no one was subtle on the fact that they thought it was Stuckey's fault why a killer was walking free. Every gave it to him without hesitancy. And though it WAS his fault, maybe we didn't have to ride him so hard about it. After all it wasn't like none of us had ever not royally screwed up. We all have.

But of course at that moment no one remembered that they ever made mistakes in the past. Elliot wanted to pound him. Julia Zimmer the lawyer of Harrison even thanked him for his "help" and Donnelly had gone as far as to mock him in open court saying he was seriously deluded if he thought he was good at his job.

Maybe I should have stuck up for him more. Maybe I should have told Elliot to lay off him. But I didn't. Yes I did tell him not to worry about it that everyone screwed up. But that's all I did. When people continued to ride him including Fin and even Cragen later on, I did not stick up for him.

After all no one really cared about Stuckey – what we did care about was that a killer was walking free and all thanks to what everyone perceived as the incompetence of Dale Stuckey.

Once Peter Harrison walked free, he was surprisingly hard to catch. He gave Munch and Fin the slip in Coney Island wherein a dead body turned up promptly looking exactly the victim from Central Park.

But then even after we knew it was him who had killed the woman from Coney Island thanks to bloody thumb print found by Dale Stuckey, we were still unable to capture him. It got to be so that we turned to his lawyer, Julia Zimmer to help us. Of course, she didn't. She was his attorney and they had attorney client privilege. So then we turned to his conspiracy buddy, Gwendolynoftheshadows who turns out to be Munch's ex-wife. Munch was able to get the address of his hideout from her and Elliot and Fin promptly went there to apprehend him. But once more, he gave them the slip.

It was only finally after his lawyer, Julia Zimmer called us on the sly when he came ranting and raving to her office that we were finally able to take him into custody. But even then, he managed to get to Julia Zimmer. He had rigged her car and it became a gas chamber, killing her.

After Julia Zimmer, we took Gwen and also the professor from his former art school who helped us figure out Harrison's way of thinking - into protective custody. But then O'Halloran found something from Julia's car. On the base of the containers containing the chemicals that killed her, we found the sentence – one down and three to go. We took that to mean that Harrison then had three more victims he intended to kill.

We didn't have to think hard to know who the third and final would be victim was. We didn't have to go far to locate her either – Judge Donnelly. She had humiliated Harrison in the same court that she had humiliated Dale Stuckey by telling him not to kid himself. That she knew he was a murderer simply getting off on a technicality. Since she humiliated him, she was now his target. I remember as we swept her house for anything lethal, Judge Donnelly was seething. She could not believe the nerve of Harrison gunning for her. We knew she was only seething because she felt helpless. Good thing CSU and the bomb squad didn't find anything close to lethal in her brownstone. Or so they thought. As she sat down on one of her dining room chairs after we thought that coast was clear, she was stuck by a needle we later on learned was full of potassium chloride. It was the same substance that they use for lethal injections.

Thankfully Mercy was only 6 blocks from where she lived and Elliot and I were able to get her to the hospital on time.

After the attack on Donnelly, we thought we were good. There'd be no one anyone on Peter's list anymore plus he was in custody.

How wrong we were. You see we had been chasing the wrong guy. Yes, Peter committed the first murder, but he did none of the subsequent ones.

"What do you mean?" Liz asked, puzzled.

Remember I told you earlier that Elliot almost died twice in this year?

"Yes."

This is the second time.

"But Peter Harrison was already in custody."

Yes, but Peter wasn't the killer.

"Who was?"

Like I said, maybe I should have defended him more. Maybe we should not have put him down so much. Maybe we didn't have to hurt his feelings the way we have. But we did. And because of that he broke.

"Wait, you mean that CSU tech, uh…what's his name – Dale? He was the killer?"

Yup. Dale killed the girl in Coney Island. He did that so he could rectify his mistake. But then Harrison got away. And when that happened and people continued to ridicule him, he not only wanted to set his mistake to rights, he also wanted to get his revenge at the same time. He wanted us to capture a killer while all the while punishing the people who had humiliated him. Meaning –Zimmer – who thanked him for his "help" when Harrison walked, Donnelly who had verbally lashed at her in court, Elliot who kept mocking him and O'Halloran who barely tolerated him and sided with us when he screwed up.

I know O'Halloran isn't dead yet in my narrative. I'll get to that. Anyway after we were told that Donnelly was gonna be alright, Elliot called the Captain and told him the news. The Captain was relieved of course but then he told Elliot that we should get over to the CSU lab because O'Halloran was almost finished with the DNA of the blood found inside the mosquito.

I had been shaken up by what happened to Judge Donnelly and I told Elliot to go ahead and that I'd stay for a little bit to watch Judge Donnelly. I think deep down I was still scared that someone else might harm her while she was sedated.

He was only going to go for results and he didn't need my help to do that, so Elliot had no problems going alone.

Big mistake. I should have never let him go alone. In fact a few minutes after he left the hospital, I began to get an uneasy feeling. I shook it off at first telling myself it was nothing. That I was just spooked after what happened to Judge Donnelly.

I managed to keep that fear at bay, at least at first.

In the meantime, Elliot had finally made his away to the lab. When he got there, he was surprised that O'Halloran seemed not to be around. Ater all he was the one who had called the station to tell us to get there.

That was when Elliot saw that the computer had finally spit out whose blood it was inside the mosquito. Later on at first he didn't process it. He couldn't believe his eyes. It was Stuckey's blood inside the mosquito not Peter's. How could that be?

It was then that he saw a pair of feet motionless on the floor but before he could think or process his thoughts any further, Elliot felt someone hit him on the head and he blacked out.

I don't know what it was Liz, but at that exact moment that Elliot blacked out, I had a really bad feeling come over me. Usually I never paid attention to feelings like that. I mean seriously? But then something this time around make me take it seriously enough to call.

You can imagine my surprise when it was Dale who answered Elliot's phone. When I asked him where Elliot was Stuckey said he and Ryan had gone out for a bite to eat. That in itself was plausible but then as we conversed a little more, Dale let it slip out that Elliot and Ryan had gone out for sushi. And that was the time that it hit me that something was wrong. Elliot and sushi? Elliot and raw fish?

Of course, I didn't think Stuckey had anything to do with it at first. But I knew something was wrong. I just knew it. But still I didn't leave the hospital for a few minutes because I really thought I was being silly at first.

Anyway, Elliot came to several minutes later and at first he was disoriented. He told me that he couldn't believe when he opened his eyes and Stuckey was in front of him while he was bound and gagged to a chair. He also saw that it was Ryan O'Halloran's feet that he saw earlier and that he was dead. He was horrified. He had totally underestimated Stuckey.

At first Stuckey didn't take off the tape in his mouth but then Elliot thought he probably wanted to hear him plead. So he took off and it was Dale's turn to taunt him. Elliot later told me that all he could remember then was asking him what he thought he had done. He didn't remember what he said or anything. He knew that they had a conversation wherein Dale admitted he did everything after Central Park but for the life of him he could not remember how it went. All he could see was that knife is Dale's hand. The same knife he had pulled out from Ryan's chest. The same knife he began to to cut Elliot with. Elliot told me he thought that he was going to die at the hands of Dale Stuckey. He also remembered that Dale put the tape back in his mouth. Thought again Elliot didn't remember what he said to make him do that. Adrenaline was rushing throughout his body. Had he not been tied up he wouldn't have been scaed. He knew he could take Dale. But he was. And therefore he was helpless. If Dale decided to cut his throat right then and there, there'd be nothing he could do. Anyway right after Dale had put back the tape on his mouth, he started cutting Elliot And Elliot again and again. He must have cut Elliot three or four times before he heard someone come in. Me. I had come in.

I finally listened to my instincts and went to find Elliot. I know it seems like such a stupid thing to be bugged by the fact I was told that my partner was getting sushi with our CSU tech. But I was and it turns out a good thing I was.

The moment I saw Elliot at the end of that lab bound and with his mouth taped off, I started running towards him. As I got a few steps closer I saw him bleeding too, terrifying me even more. I wasn't so much terrified at whoever did that to him. But I was terrified that he was hurt and in pain.

I didn't get too far though before I heard Dale's voice tell me to stop. I knew he was behind me and all at once I began to piece everything together. Suddenly I knew. I knew Harrison wasn't our man. I knew that Peter had only killed in Central Park because of his illness. But what Dale did – that cold blooded murder – he murdered because his ego couldn't take the fact that he made a mistake. And he couldn't take the fact that everyone thought he messed up and messed up badly. He wanted to have his revenge on everyone who ever made him feel bad.

I had not made him feel bad but then again, I already saw what he had done to Elliot and to Ryan. So Dale felt like he had no choice except to have to take me down too. I knew that because he said so himself.

I had to think fast. I need to disarm him – he was wielding Elliot's gun which he had grabbed while Elliot was unconscious. I remember thinking then that if we got out of this alive, I'd never complain about Elliot again. That I would be happy with what we had – no matter how much or now little that is.

But I couldn't think of that then. First I had to get us out of the situation. Like I said I had to think fast. Dale hated Elliot for the way Elliot had treated him. So in order to get Dale to trust me, I have to make him think I hated Elliot too. I swear Liz, even though I just had told myself that I'd be happy with what we had if only we got out of this – but then since I had to pretend to hate Elliot it became an avenue for me to get all my resentments out. All those times that I felt he had used me and he had hurt me unnecessarily or treated me unfairly all came rushing out.

I told Dale that he wasn't the only one whose life has been made a living hell thanks to the prick named Elliot Stabler. I told him my life was hell too thanks to him.

"Well it was true right? You were going through hell because of him." Liz Olivet interjected.

Oh, Liz. I get your point. And maybe up to some degree I thought of that. But not as much as I made it sound. Besides the hell I was going through – I could have stopped at anytime. It my fault I couldn't walk away from Elliot. Elliot had already asked me time and again if I was okay with our arrangement and I said I was.. So any hell or feelings of hurt and suffering I was experiencing that's my fault.

But then I'd be lying if I said that it didn't feel a bit good to just lash out on Elliot. I even hit him to drive my point to Stuckey. But at the end of the day, whatever resentment I had been able to let out during my little charade, was immaterial. I didn't do all that to make myself feel better. I didn't all that because I saw the opportunity to get back at Elliot. I did all that as a means to an end. I needed Elliot alive. I couldn't bear the thought of him getting killed – least of all by Dale Stuckey. I needed him. His family needed him. I could not let Dale get away with this.

After seeing me hit Elliot and Elliot call me bitch – I had taken off the tape from his mouth - Dale started to believe me. He even started to believe the bullshit I spouted about having Cragen wrapped around my finger and getting him to be my partner once we got rid of Elliot. Dale started to believe enough to try and make a move in killing Elliot so that there would be no third wheel. So again, I had to think fast. As much as it made me sick to my stomach, I told him not to kill him first, that I wanted him alive to watch. And Dale asked me, "Watch what?"

And that was when I started to kiss Dale. My goal was to distract him and to get him near enough Elliot. As I kissed him I opened my eyes and Elliot understood. The moment we were near enough, Elliot kicked him in the balls and before Dale could do anything else, I hit him too, and he fell to the ground unconscious.

I got Elliot untied and then as we simply stared at the bodies of Dale and Ryan, he asked me how I knew to come after him. And it was then I told him about the sushi and how it set off warning bells in my head I remember seeing a small smile on his face when I said that.

After that, we fell silent again. But we didn't move. We just stood there. We were both trying to wrap our heads around what happened just then. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that Stuckey was a murderer and that Ryan was gone. I really couldn't,

I was still thinking that when suddenly I felt Elliot grab me by the arms and turn me towards him. Before I could even react, his lips were on mine. The kiss was not urgent. It was sweet, languid, unhurried. When we pulled apart he said to me, "Liv, I want to stay with you tonight. After this, I need to stay with you tonight."

I remember nodding and telling him, "El, I need you to stay tonight too."

"Good." Elliot gave me a smile and then another quick kiss.

I smiled back and then asked him, "What are you going to tell Kathy?"

"Don't think about that. Not your problem."

"Okay but for right now, I think we should call this in."

"Yeah we probably should."

And with that, we called for a bus and we called Melinda Warner. When Fin, Munch and Cragen got there, Dale had come to. He was taken into custody. Meanwhile Melinda and her team took charge of Ryan's body. I remember shedding a few tears when they finally put him a on stretcher and covered his face with a sheet. I'm glad I had been on time for Elliot. I could only wish that Elliot had been on time for Ryan.

Later that night, as we lay in bed spent after making love, Elliot started to wonder if things could have been different if they hadn't all been so mean to Stuckey.

I remember I told him not to torture himself. That yes he did screw up and yes they had been mean to him, but he didn't need to kill anyone to make Elliot and the rest feel bad. Elliot had sighed and he had replied that he was sure that was true. But still he wished that he hadn't humiliated the guy so much.

I told him then that he was not the only one with regret. That I myself wished that I could have stuck up for him more. But though I did from time to time, I didn't really didn't do much when people kept riding him left and right.

But then I reminded myself and Elliot, Stuckey was grown man and someone who knew right from wrong. I reminded him that we could tear ourselves apart for what we believed was our parts in his unraveling but at the end of the day, he had a choice to do what he did and not to do it.

It was then that Elliot said it. "I'm glad you came along when you did, Liv."

"So was I El, so was I."

Elliot reached up with his hand then and he ran his knuckle on my cheek. "Thank you, Liv."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry I hit you by the way."

"Don't be sorry. You saved my life."

"Well…I saved mine too."

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked. "You weren't in any real danger."

I wanted to answer him. I wanted to tell him that I had saved my life by saving him because if he had died then, I would have never forgiven myself and I would have wanted to die too. But it was too much. And I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him. And so instead of responding, I did what I could do. And that was to kiss him. And in that kiss I tried to tell him everything I couldn't say. In that kiss I tried to tell him how much he meant to me. In that kiss I tried to tell him that he meant everything to me.

I kissed him and kissed him until we were making love again. Until he made me cry out and until I made him cry out again. We made love many times that night and we didn't fall asleep until the sun was already peeking out of the dawn sky.

He fell asleep before I did. I remember he had fallen asleep face up completely exhausted. I stared at at him and saw the bandages still a little bloody from the wounds inflicted by Stuckey and sent a silent prayer heavenward. "Thank you for keeping him alive."

At that, I quietly laid down next to him and so as not to hurt him, I carefully wrapped my arms around him. Within a few minutes I was asleep too.

When woke up several hours later, he stayed with me. He didn't go home. Again, I don't know what he told Kathy but all I know is that until the next morning he was with me. Our shift wasn't in the afternoon then and he went home for a bit before our shift.

When we got back to the precinct at 4 pm for our shift, we were back to being Benson and Stabler.

That was our tenth year. I didn't know it then – but we only had two more years of being partners left after that.

. . .

_Elliot ejected the CD then. He felt exhausted. But then he knew he had to keep going. He kept remembering what Cragen had said. Olivia needed him. But before he could help her – if he really wanted to help her – he needed to know everything. _

_And so, determined to finish despite his exhaustion, Elliot went to his bathroom, splashed his face with cold water before going back into his room. Once there, he got the 11__th__ CD and prepared to listen to it. _

. . .

_**Coming up! The 11**__**th**__** year of their partnership. Jo Marlowe, Sonya Paxton, the return of Alex Cabot, Dickie wanting to join the military and losing a friend and Olivia accused of murder – all coming up. Hopefully sooner rather than later. **_

_**Again, thank you for reading. **_

_**Please do take a moment to review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


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